AHS Freak Show Episode 9: Tupperware Party Massacre

Okay, so I was looking forward to this episode based on the name alone. This is a Dandy heavy hour, which actually doesn't bother me given the stupidity levels we've reached in other story lines. In this season's 9th episode we see the demise of another barely used character who got zero development, and we get even more blood than we did in the previous week. Here's where we are with "Tupperware Party Massacre:"

Avon Calling

Dandy visits Maggie/Esmeralda in her fortune telling tent. So wait...does she keep office hours? Maggie swears she knows his voice from somewhere (he almost killed you), but she can't quite place it. Dandy tells her he's had some "misadventures" with the fairer sex and he's hurt someone badly. Dandy is at a loss because "the person who usually helps...can't." Nope. You shot your momma in the head, jackass. Maggie looks into her crystal ball and she sees nothing, but we see an Avon representative knock on the door of the Mott house. Dandy invites her in and immediately bludgeons her with a candlestick. I guess he didn't want to risk the boredom of an Avon sales pitch. What happens next though, I definitely did not see coming. He cuts off the Avon lady's head and attaches it to Gloria's shoulder...so Gloria and the Avon lady can be a Bette and Dot puppet. The vision we see disappears and we go back to Maggie. She tells Dandy that everything is okay...that the rain cloud over his head will pass and he'll go back to the way he was before. He's relieved and pays her $100 for her services. 

A very drunk Jimmy is spoon-feeding (literally) Ima Wiggles and talking dirty to her in the outdoor picnic area. He even gives her a smack on the ass for good measure and his friends just stare in disbelief. The fun with food is interrupted, however, when Jimmy hears Dandy come out of the nearby tent. He stumbles toward Dandy, calling him a murderer (even drunk Jimmy has better sense than sober Maggie). Jimmy takes a swing at him, misses, and hits the ground hard. Dandy puts on his annoyed puckered mouth face, leans over, and quietly tells Jimmy he'll make him suffer for taking the twins away....then Dandy gets in his fancy car and leaves as Jimmy struggles to get back on his feet. Where's Ima when you need her?

Safety First

Elsa and Stanley arrive at a hotel where Ethel had sent Bette and Dot for safe keeping. Elsa had found Ethel's suicide note, naming the twins' hiding spot and instructing Jimmy to go get them. Stanley tells the girls that the locals are back to hating freaks and they lynched Ethel and tore her head off. Totally believable given the full house we see every time there's a performance cutaway. Elsa explains that they need to get Bette and Dot to safety, and she says they should trust her because she was able to get them exactly what they've been hoping for - the doctor who recently performed the conjoined twins surgery. Dot perks up at the news...but Bette lowers her head and pouts. 

Stanley and Elsa take the girls to the warehouse (where I presume Ma Petite had been bottled up), telling Bette and Dot that they all need to wait there for the doctor. Stanley has Elsa believing this shit is actually happening too. The twins are relieved to learn that the dirty table in the warehouse is for examination purposes only, and the actual procedure will be done in a hospital. Bette doesn't want this though. She can't imagine herself on her own...walking around with one leg, so to speak. Stanley says that because each girl has her own heart and lungs, they can be split right down the middle. Um, what about the rest of them? Do they each get one kidney and half a liver? Who gets to keep the vagina? This show is killing me. 

Bette knows there's a chance (a chance?) that both girls won't make it through surgery. She makes a moving speech about the time they've spent together and the things they've worked through. Bette tells her sister that if the doctor has to make a choice to save only one of them, she wants him to save Dot. Awww. Side note: The Golden Globes nominations came out recently and Jessica Lange was nominated for best actress and Kathy Bates was nominated for best supporting actress. I would love to have been a fly on the wall in Sarah Paulson's house that morning. Better luck at the Emmys? 

Here's To The Ladies Who Lunch

Dell is feeling remorseful about the whole killing a defenseless two foot tall woman thing, and shameful about his attraction to men, and he too writes Jimmy a suicide note. Wow. Why not just put Jimmy in a straight jacket now? He can join Kit Walker in the asylum. Wouldn't that be something? Dell thinks he sees Ma Petite on his table and then has a lengthy imaginary conversation with Ethel. He sets up a noose and tries to hang himself, but Desiree walks in and cuts him down just as things are fading to black.

Desiree and Maggie walk through the grounds and run into Theo Huxtable. That's right, Malcolm-Jamal Warner has joined AHS, and it seems Desiree has been seeing him on the side. Maggie promises to keep Desiree's secret, but the conversation is halted by the sounds of one hell of a romp going on in a nearby tent. Well, why not peek right? Jimmy (still totally wasted) has Ima bent over a piece of furniture and Maggie is not happy. She yells at Ima, telling her Jimmy will stick it anywhere because he's drunk. "Hey you leave her out of this," Jimmy slurs. "She's nice...and soft." Ha! 

Jimmy visits the Stepford wives we saw in the season premiere. The ladies are not satisfied with his magic hands this time though and the hostess herself says "He's drunk and he keeps...missing." Jimmy comes out into the living room and interrupts the tupperware party. He hallucinates and thinks one of the women is his mom and they ask him to leave. As soon as Jimmy is gone, Dandy arrives at the front door. He uses the old "my car broke down and I need to use your phone" excuse to get into the house, and once inside, he kills every last one of them. The man of the house arrives home  to find the hors d'oeuvres still out on display....and the bloody bodies of all of the women floating in the pool.

Dandy returns home to take another blood bath and Precious Regina confronts him, saying she went to the cops to help her find her mother. FINALLY. "Regina, I killed your mother." She looks around and sees blood covered stuffed animals. Dandy assures her that isn't her mother's blood. "We buried her weeks ago, mother and I. I recently killed her as well and that's when I discovered the power of bathing in blood."  Precious Regina tries to run away but Dandy locks the door and tells her how happy he is to finally be living his destiny. He asks her to take a bath with him, like when they were little (gross) and my first thought is about the size of the bathtub. Dandy barely fits into it himself. You see where I'm going with this. Anyway, Dandy tells Precious Regina that he has no desire to kill her because she's the only person in the house that's worth a damn. Isn't she really just the only other living person in the house at this point? What happened to the new maid? We saw her once for less than 10 seconds. Dandy lets Precious Regina go, while screaming that he's above the law. 

Precious Regina returns with Detective Colquitt and Dandy happily invites them in and offers them tea. He pretty much admits to being a murderer but then tells the detective that he's going to get away with it. Dandy offers Colquitt $1 million in cash to kill Precious Regina and bury her. Without blinking, the detective shoots her in the head. Damn! I hope Gabrouey Sidibe didn't think she'd be playing a character this season with any depth or background that anyone would really give a shit about. Like her mother before her, Precious Regina was a total waste. 

He's Just Not That Into You

Jimmy is still drunk (yup, this has been the whole hour) and he stumbles into his trailer and finds Bette and Dot wearing something that I'm guessing is supposed to be sexy. Dot tells Jimmy that she almost made a horrible mistake. She had thought the only way she could be happy was to be separated from Bette, but then she realized that Bette is the purest part of her soul. So, no surgery. She offers her condolences for Ethel and assures Jimmy that he never has to be alone. Dot professes her love for him and drops her/their robe. "You're like us. Different, but special. Let me take your pain away and replace it with love." Jimmy considers this but ultimately turns them down, saying he's in love with someone else. That thought didn't occur to him earlier when he was kneading Ima. Just sayin. 

One would think the day couldn't get any worse for Jimmy, but Detective Colquitt drives up with sirens blasting and arrests Jimmy for murdering the housewives. The car zooms away as everyone runs toward it in outrage. 

The episode ends there and we only have one more to go before a brief break. Since Dandy really is above the law, and the characters we should be invested in are clueless about pretty much everything, I'm not sure where this season is going at all. So, Elsa has no issues with the fact that she has a Hollywood agent who's good with cleaning up murder scenes and getting rid of people, and he hasn't actually taken her to Hollywood yet. That doesn't really even seem to be on the radar. Jimmy didn't actually find Ethel's suicide note, no one else knows she left one, but it's fine that she wrapped a chain around her neck and drove her car away so she'd be decapitated? Nothing suspicious there. Maggie told Jimmy a couple of episodes ago that she'd probably recognize the voice of the second clown that almost killed her...and yet she didn't. Precious Regina was used to speaking to her mother once a week, and then not only did she stop hearing from her, she shows up at the house WEEKS later and is told her mother went out to buy squash. Still, no immediate call to the cops. Sigh. I might be ready for this holiday hiatus. 

TWD Season Season 5 Epidode 8: Coda

We've reached the mid-season finale on The Walking Dead and it was a heartbreaking episode for sure. Granted, I didn't expect to go into the holiday break without the death of another character, but "Coda" just about destroyed me in the final 10 minutes. Here's where we are by the end of the hour...

Yup, We're Still Doing This. 

The episode opens with Officer Bob running from the building Rick and company had been using to plot their hospital invasion. Sasha let her guard down a bit and has one hell of a headache because of it. Girl, just because his name is Bob doesn't mean he's your next boyfriend. Anyway, Rick jumps into a police car and follows Officer Bob, yelling for him to stop running. Bob just keeps going as if he can outrun a vehicle with his arms bound behind his back. Rick runs him over, gets out of the car, and tells a mostly broken Bob "you just had to stop." He then shoots him in the head. See ya, Bob. 

The other two cops Rick is holding agree to lie about Officer Bob and tell Dawn he'd been killed by Walkers. The group decides to stick with the original plan of doing a prisoner trade "so no one has to die." Well, that didn't work out so well for Officer Bob...pretty sure it's not going to go smoothly for everyone else either. 

Sasha is feeling pretty stupid about the whole thing and Tyreese tries to get her focused on the task at hand. He chooses now to tell her about the Terminus douchebag that he had claimed to kill but actually didn't. Tyreese reveals that the dude's name was Martin and Sasha was actually the one to kill him in the church slaughter. I'm watching this, hoping that the realization of "I should have killed someone but didn't" would cause one of them to say "hey, maybe we should just attack the hospital because the element of surprise is really key here." Nope. Prisoner swap it is. 

And The Biggest Liability Ever Award Goes To...

No really - Lizzie was less dangerous to have around. 

Father Gabriel is still bumbling around on his own for reasons I don't understand, and he finds himself at a nearby school. Scavenging (?) near a tether ball, he picks up a bible in a backpack near a rotting human leg. Well OF COURSE he cries. Pretty sure it's in his contract to cry at least twice per episode. Gabriel's presence and emotions draw a whole bunch of Walkers out of the building and this idiot has to hobble back to the church with the Walkers right behind him. Now, the church had been completely boarded up and secured before Rick's group left for the hospital. The building was totally a safe place for Gabriel, Michonne, Carl and baby Judith. He just went and effed all of that up though. Gabriel is scratching at the door, begging to be let in the same way his parishioners did the morning they were all slaughtered. He's damn lucky Carl and Michonne take pity on his ass and tear the door apart so he can get in. Now the church is overrun though...and they escape via the floor boards Gabriel used earlier. I'm so over this guy.

As Carl, Michonne, and Gabriel try to figure out what their next move is (since, you know, they now have no shelter), Abraham and the get Eugene to Washington group arrive just in time. Glenn tells Michonne that Eugene is a total liar, and Michonne tells Maggie that Beth is alive and the rest of the gang went to go save her. Well, at least someone was able to share some good news. Since there's really no reason to stay at the church, everyone piles back into the firetruck and heads for the hospital as well. Yay! Reunion!

Respect Mah Authoritaaaay!

Back at the hospital, Beth is doing her awkward lingering wherever Dawn is thing and she overhears Dawn radioing for her missing officers. She can't get a response from the people who went to check on the gunfire they heard. Dawn is struggling to maintain her authority, and the other officers at the hospital are becoming real assholes. O'Donnell in particular thinks it's time for a change in leadership and has no probably saying this to Dawn's face. She draws her gun, there's a brief standoff, he tackles her, and Beth saves the day by pushing his ass through the open elevator doors. 

Having killed two cops intentionally and one patient unintentionally, Beth is at a point where she needs to do some soul searching. She sits in Carol's room and Dawn walks in with some liquor hoping for more bonding time. Dawn says she's well aware that Beth knows whoever the woman is in the hospital bed. She tells Beth that Beth and Carol should stay and be a part of making the hospital better. "This is important....maybe the most important thing you do with your life." We see Carol start to stir in the bed as Dawn finishes her speech. 

And It All Goes Downhill From Here

Two other officers meet Rick outside of the building. He explains the situation to them and so far so good. Rick, Daryl, Tyreese, Sasha and Noah gain entry to the hospital with their two hostages. Whoa. Wait. Why is Noah there? I understand that he wanted to help, but he got his job done when he lured the hostages out to begin with. Who thought this was a good idea? Now I'm anxious. They make their way to a hall where Dawn and a handful of officers wait with Beth and Carol. It's tough to describe the suspense in these last minutes of the episode. The initial trade goes fine. First the male officer for Carol, then the female officer for Beth. The group turns to leave and Dawn says Noah has to stay. 

The officers standing behind Dawn are not happy. They just want this to be over. Dawn, however, is in total bitch mode now, and because Officer Bob was "killed by Walkers" trying to locate Noah, it's only fair for Noah to remain in the hospital. Noah reluctantly agrees and I'm honestly okay with all of this. Just GO for crying out loud! But Beth won't stand for it. She hugs Noah and approaches Dawn with tears in her eyes. She says "I get it now" and stabs Dawn with a pair of hospital scissors. Dawn is startled and her gun goes off....blowing out the back of Beth's head. NOOOOO! Damn it! We can see Dawn immediately freak out because it was an accident but Daryl puts a bullet in her head anyway. Everyone draws their weapons now, but the female cop/hostage tells the other officers to stand down. Daryl starts crying, Carol grabs his shoulder from behind and starts crying, Rick's eyes well up and I'm a total mess sitting on my couch. 

The hospital employees tell Rick that his group can stay there if they want to but Rick says they're leaving and will take anyone who wants to go with them. Abraham's firetruck pulls up to the hospital just as the rest of the group is leaving. We see Daryl exiting the building...carrying Beth. The reactions are gut wrenching. Maggie falls to the ground screaming. Glenn sort of half collapses behind her. Michonne cries. Daryl is sobbing at this point...and I'm spent. 

The episode is not quite over, as Morgan is hot on the trail of the Grimes group. I'm looking forward to seeing what his story line has in store for 2015, but for now, I'm very broken up about Beth. We saw her become so strong in her time since they had to flee the prison, and she was thisclose to being out of that hospital and back with her loved ones. And poor Maggie. "Your sister is alive and we're going to save her! Just kidding. She's actually dead now." Beth did change the hospital for the better though. Dawn had no idea that her speech to Beth would motivate her to take an action that would put Dawn on the floor with a hole in her head. I'm not sure if we'll ever see or hear about the hospital people again, but in my world, that twisted community can thrive a little better now. 

The show will return in the new year and it already feels like a long wait. Will the group just head to Washington now anyway? Will they leave Gabriel's ass at the hospital? He can stay and bless everyone and be a total nuisance there. And now that the supposed love triangle between Carol, Daryl, and Beth has been eliminated, can Carol and Daryl finally get together? I'll hold out hope during this long break. Til then, have a safe and happy holiday season. 

AHS Freak Show Episode 8: Blood Bath

Previously on American Horror Story: a terrifying serial killer was on the loose, Edward Mordrake was awesome, Ethel's accent was endearing, Twisty died, some freaks died, Desiree's ding-a-ling wasn't a ding-a-ling, and the season embarked on what I believe to be a downward spiral. I have to wonder what kind of paycheck Matt Bomer and Patti LaBelle received for the minimal screen time and dialogue. Anyway, this episode isn't much of an improvement in terms of the plot holes and shit that just doesn't make sense, but we do get some legit entertainment out of the hour. Here's where we are with "Blood Bath."

Another One Bites The Dust

"Nu one is innocent eenymoor"

The group from the freak show has spread out through the grounds to try to find Ma Petite. I mean, I imagine she actually gets lost pretty often...even when she hasn't had her neck snapped by an asshole. Jimmy comes across one of her tiny outfits full of blood, and they all believe the little lady was attacked/taken by some kind of animal. This loss hits Elsa hard and she refers to Ma Petite as a little angel. So the right thing to do is cancel Christmas. Not following that logic? Me neither. 

Ethel calls bullshit on Elsa's emotions and accuses her of doing away with Ma Petite because she was beginning to steal the spotlight...a very tiny portion of it anyway. Elsa loses it since, you know, this is one dirty deed where she's actually innocent, and Ethel just keeps pushing her buttons. The bearded lady overheard Elsa's conversation with Stanley/Richard about doing a "mercy killing" with Dot and Bette, and while Elsa admits to wanting to be rid of the twins, she tells Ethel she never intended to hurt them. Well....Ethel's been drinking. She also has a gun. She shoots Elsa's fake leg, prompting Elsa to do the big reveal about how she's a freak too. Wait. Ethel never knew? She's been with this woman for 14 years and never once caught a glimpse of this? I wonder how many of those years she spent drunk....

Anyway, Elsa's sob story gets her nowhere. Ethel tells her "You broke my hear in two, Elsa. I loved you. I defended you." Ethel plans to shoot Elsa and then herself...she already left a suicide note for Jimmy. Elsa suggests they have one last schnapps for the road and Ethel is moved because they've never shared a drink before. They haven't? Again, 14 years together and Ethel had a really bad drinking problem, and she was essentially Elsa's slave and BFF, but they never tossed back a few? Good lord. None of this matters anyway because instead of grabbing the schnapps, Elsa grabs a knife and throws it into Ethel's eye. RIP Canadian Dr. Evil. 

To make matters worse, Elsa enlists Stanley's help in dealing with the situation. They staged a car crash that looked like a suicide...and in the process, Ethel was decapitated so no one would pay attention to the fact that Ethel was completely missing an eyeball that looked like it had been cut out. Minor details. Elsa puts on a ridiculous over the top performance when the group gathers at the crash site and Jimmy consoles her. So...everyone is just buying this? Guess so. There's a tearful funeral at the grounds, attended by Paul the Seal Boy (who is apparently fine now), as well as the newly tattooed Penny who seems to live there now. 

Girls Club

Desiree is heartbroken over Ethel's death and talks to the Amazon woman, the woman with no bottom half, and Penny about how hard it is to be a freak AND a woman. Penny tells the ladies what her father did, and in Ethel's honor, they go looking for daddy. What's the best punishment for a dick who turns his daughter into a permanent spectacle? Tar and feathers! They tie his ass to a chair and make him suffer. Desiree tells him "I'm gonna cut your dick off with this knife and shoot you in the head." If Desiree doesn't have a penis, can't nobody have a penis! 

The party is just getting started when Maggie/Esmeralda interrupts and tries to talk them out of finishing the half done job. She says the women will all be giving up the futures they could have if they kill the guy. Well Maggie, they've already tarred and feathered him which is probably jail-worthy to begin with. Penny opts to let her dad live but with the stipulation that he never comes near her again. She's an empowered lizard girl now...or something.  

New Kid On The Block

Elsa is in search of new talent and finds Barbara, a very hefty girl with a pretty face who has been sent to what looks like an upscale fat camp. Elsa eats a candy bar in front of her (classic) and asks "What if I told you there was a place where every pound of that glorious jiggle would be cheered and celebrated?" Thus, Ima Wiggles is born. Okay, is it wrong to laugh? Because I want to laugh. 

Elsa brings Ima back to the Cabinet of Curiosities and promptly begins feeding her so she can, um, keep her figure. A kind of drunk but mostly hung over Jimmy buries his head in her large bosom and sobs. Elsa had commented to Jimmy that every woman at the freak show had raised him, not just Ethel. He apparently takes maternal comfort any way he can get it. Poor guy. 

Problem Child

Gloria lays on a shrink's couch and talks about how much she loves Dandy and how she refuses to commit him to an institution. Her son's killer instinct apparently started when he was a young boy, and the psychiatrist tells Gloria it's time for Dandy to come in for an appointment. Gloria tricks Dandy by saying he'll be seeing the doctor to test his IQ, so he goes to the shrink's office and takes the "looking at ink blot pictures and saying what you see" test. As you can imagine, Dandy only sees violence and murder...and he's bored. God help me. He realizes the psychiatrist is not interested in how smart Dandy is, and the twerp goes home to yell at his mother. 

Gloria herslef returns home to find that Precious Regina has arrived looking for her mother. Gloria and Dandy make up a series of excuses as to why Dora won't be home anytime soon (or ever) and Precious Regina says she will wait. It takes FAR longer than it should have before she finally threatens to go to the police, but by then, Dandy is already thinking of ways to get rid of her. 

Gloria panics and books immediate travel out of the country. She calls her psychiatrist to say goodbye and he tells her she's making a big mistake and says he's very concerned for her safety. Gloria tells the doctor they won't be needing his services any longer, and she hangs up the phone and goes back to chain smoking...a habit which I'm not sure she even had before tonight. But again, those silly details don't matter. 

Dandy overhears Gloria discussing their imminent travel and confronts her with his scrunchy "I'm going to cry" face. He says he knows that she grew up rich, but that her father lost everything during the depression...Dora had told him as a boy that his mother married her second cousin to get back to the lifestyle she desired. Hmph. Well at least Dora served SOME kind of purpose. The conversation becomes more funny than it really should at that point. 

"You knew what father had done to those little girls. You knew the risks of breeding with your cousin. You're no better than the Roosevelts."

"How dare you say that name in this house?!"

AHS just gave me my second big laugh for the night. Anyway, Dandy tells his mother he can't leave with her. He puts a gun to his head and says it's time for this madness to end. Gloria pleads "I can't go on if you kill yourself," so he takes that opportunity to shoot her in the head. He then bathes in blood...literally takes a blood bath. See what they did there?

The episode ends then and it was an hour of questionable parenting. Elsa is deceiving her "children," Ethel was ready to go through with a murder-suicide with a note to her son, Penny's dad reaped the (not so much) benefits of messing up his daughter, and Gloria....well, Gloria was naive til the very end. I can only assume that Dandy will kill Precious Regina shortly, and I'm just sitting here with my fingers crossed that Dell finds out that Dandy killed his loverboy sooner rather than later. As much as I dislike Dell, I freaking hate Dandy and Dell is the most feasible person to take Dandy out at this point. We'll see what happens in the coming weeks though. I'm not putting anything past Desiree and that dick-cutting knife of hers!

TWD Season 5 Episode 7: Crossed

While last episode focused on Carol and Daryl (which was by far one of my favorite TWD episodes to date), this hour checks in with all of the scattered characters. As we get close to the mid season finale. I'm hoping this episode is setting up another big reunion, which this group really needs. After losing Bob, realizing that Eugene is a big effing liar, and seeing Carol's capture by the hospital douches, it's time for something good to happen. We're not quire there yet, but here's where with are with "Crossed."

The Most Useless Character Ever

Daryl and Noah have rallied the troops at the church to go on a rescue mission to get Carol and Beth out of the Atlanta hospital. Michonne, Carl, Judith, and Father "I'm gonna cry" Gabriel are staying behind. Probably just as well. Gabriel would be more of a liability on that mission than the baby at this point.

The priest is still all bent out of shape over the dried blood of the Terminus people on the church floor. Carl and Michonne defend the slaughter and tell Gabriel exactly how hard it is to survive out there. They also try to give him some advice about defending himself from the Walkers, because he'll need to kill some eventually. Gabriel keeps his "tears are coming at any moment" face and retires to his office. This idiot then lifts up the floor boards and leaves the building from under the church. I'm so over him. Does he really think he's safer without Michonne and Carl?

Garbriel inexplicably wanders through the woods and runs into a Walker pretty quickly. He throws her down to the ground and is about to beat her over the head with a rock...when he realizes she's wearing a cross around her neck. He cries (surprise) and leaves her there. 

A Man Without A Mission

The "Get Eugene to Washington" team is still hanging out in the middle of the road trying to come up with a Plan B. Abraham hasn't moved from his dropping to his knees and sobbing position, and he's a real jerk to Smokin' Hot Rosita when she tries to help him. Eugene is knocked out cold but seems to be okay otherwise...the mullet stayed in tact so there can't be too much damage. Maggie "guards" Eugene and Abraham while the others go looking for water and food and tells Abraham to get over himself because he's not the only person affected by Eugene's lies. He eventually shows signs of getting his shit together. 

Glenn, Stupid Tara, and Smokin' Hot Rosita are trying to filter water to be boiled later and Rosita tells them how she ended up with Eugene and Abraham. She says she was with a different group and they crossed paths in Dallas. Abraham realized that she could be a big help (heh) in getting Eugene to Washington and she was glad to feel needed. Glenn tells Smokin' Hot Rosita that regardless of what happens with Abraham and Eugene, she's welcome to be with their group. She happily accepts. 

Who's The Boss?

Carol is in rough shape at the hospital. Beth overhears Dawn and one of her douchebag officers talking about finding Noah and pulling the plug on Carol. Beth freaks out, Dawn says to unplug the machines, and the douchebag leaves the room with a smile. Dawn tells Beth that her leadership is in question and she has to be a hard ass at all times now. She gives Beth the key to the drug locker and tells her to do what she can to save Carol. When Beth asks why Dawn is letting her do this, Dawn says she had thought Beth was weak, but Beth proved her wrong with the attempted escape. Interesting.

Beth approaches Dr. Edwards and asks what medicine he would give Carol. He realizes Beth has the key and tells her what she needs to know to make sure Carol survives without the machines. She steals the medicine, administers the drugs to Carol, then waits patiently by her bedside for her to wake up.

To The Rescue!

Tyreese tries to get Sasha to talk to him about how she's feeling. He reminds her that he's been through it himself (because this is the only way most viewers remember Karen ever existed), but Sasha's not looking to bond with her brother on this one. Much later in the episode she admits to feeling guilty about having Tyreese stop Bob's transformation instead of doing it herself. They hug it out and it's a nice moment between them. 

When the rescue team sets up shop in a building near the hospital, Rick lays out an invasion plan that will allow them to take out the cops and get Carol and Beth out of there quickly. Tyreese goes back to his "I don't want to kill nobody" nonsense and suggests an alternate plan. He wants to lure two cops to their building, kidnap them, then arrange a trade. No one dies. Daryl agrees with Tyreese (really!?!?!) and this becomes their new plan. Since when does any scenario in The Walking Dead end with "no one dies?" These guys should know better at this point. Noah already told them Dawn is a crazy bitch, and given what JUST happened with The Governor and Gareth, you'd think the violent route would be the chosen route at this point. 

Noah fires off some gunshots outside and draws a patrol car. Rick is able to get the two cops to put their weapons down and the male officer, Lamson, asks Rick if he's a cop. Lamson says he was too and Noah tells Rick that Lamson is "one of the good ones." Just then another patrol car pulls up and the female cop jumps inside as it speeds away. Sasha shoots one of the tires and the douchbags inside have to move on foot to get away from a bunch of Walkers. The female cop is re-captured, Daryl has a close call, but he and Rick overpower the extra cop, giving them three hostages. 

The cops tell Daryl that there's a movement in the hospital to overthrow Dawn and replace her with Lamson...so Dawn might not trade Carol and Beth for them at all. Lamson says he's looking for peaceful resolution and offers to help in any way he can. He tells Rick how to talk to Dawn and what to say to get her to compromise. When Rick says "Thank you, Sergeant Lamson," he replies "My name is Bob." Sasha's interest is peaked...and I roll my eyes. The group then leaves to trade the other two cops and Sasha stays behind with Bob. He pours his heart out to her about one of his friends turned zombie and she's 100% invested in his story. Apparently this Walker is stuck nearby and Sasha offers to shoot this friend to put him out of his misery. When she allows Bob to accompany her to the window so he can show her the location, Bob headbutts her and runs away. Yup, you've been played Sasha.

The episode ends there and we are one week from the mid season finale. I have no idea what the hell Gabriel is doing out in the woods but I'm sure his stupidity will eff something up next week. I imagine Glenn and company will now head back to the church...though they'd be of much better use at the hospital. I have an awful, awful feeling about this prisoner trade, by the way. I wish they had just broken in and rescued Beth and Carol without worrying about killing the cops there. With Lamson on the loose now, I think something is going to go horribly wrong, and there will absolutely be blood shed in that hospital. 

AHS Freak Show Episode Episode 7: Test of Strength

Well, with all of the death scenes that are "just kidding - a character is daydreaming" scenarios we've been dealt, Freak Show gave us torment and murder in this episode. We lost a beloved character, we saw the continuing moral decline of other characters...and (spoiler alert)...Dandy survived the hour. I'm so unbelievably sick of him. Additionally, there are several elements of the episode that are just plain silly. Here's where we are with "Test of Strength."

The Choice Is Yours

Jimmy arrives at the Mott mansion to "rescue" Bette and Dot. Gloria and Dandy maintain that the girls are not being held against their will, and Bette defends the strange mother and son duo by telling Jimmy how well they've been treated. She then calls Jimmy a liar because she totally bought Dandy's story about saving the kids from Twisty. "He's the real hero." Jimmy realizes that Dandy was most likely the other clown there that night and tells the twins they need to leave with him. Dot is ready to go and uses her thoughts to convince Bette to leave as well. As they walk away, Dandy does that scrunchy nose crying thing that has become a staple, and I just want to punch him in the face.  

When we next see Jimmy, he's singing Nirvana's "Come As You Are." Yes, you read that right. During his performance (which Elsa is enjoying about as much as I am), we see clips of Penny tending to Paul the Seal Boy's wounds, Dell beating the shit out of a bartender while waiting for his no-show male prostitute lover, and Stanley setting his sights on his own male prostitute lover. Kind of a random place for a montage, but whatever. 

Jimmy finishes his song, keeps his rage, and calls Elsa a liar. "We don't take orders from liars!!!" He reveals Bette and Dot and tells the rest of the group that Elsa had sold them to the rich family that had tried to buy them earlier. Dot tells everyone that the girls requested to go to Dandy's...that Elsa didn't get rid of them at all. What? Why is she covering for Elsa? And by the way, shouldn't Elsa be in Hollywood by now? No one seems concerned that the talent agent rarely pops up, and there's no real rush to get the ball rolling on this television career thing. Just sayin. Anyway, in exchange for keeping Elsa's actions a secret, the sisters successfully negotiate with her for more stage time and money. Bette also wants to become a comedienne and dye her hair blond. What the hell is happening with this show?

Elsa senses Dot's almost hostile animosity towards her sister. She gives Dot a note asking what her heart's desire is. Dot sends a note back to Elsa, requesting the services of the doctor in Chicago who recently performed the conjoined twins separation surgery. Later in the evening, Elsa dines with Richard/Stanley and tells him she needs him to locate this doctor. She wants to send the twins to Chicago and be rid of them. The fake talent agent suggests it would be easier to just kill them...out of "mercy." Elsa asks him if he's the type of manager who would kill for his client, then they laugh and move on to dessert. 

Take A Rest

Desiree takes a very weak Ethel to the doctor's office and when they arrive, they see a "closed for business" sign on the door.  They find his daughter inside (she's a rude bitch by the way) and she tells them the doctor took a hammer and smashed both of his hands, then blew his brains out. Okay, so that would be an incredibly impressive feat - he's skilled enough to smash one hand, smash the other with the already smashed hand, then somehow pull the trigger on a gun? No one finds this suspicious? Ethel and Desiree are both devastated...where else are they going to find a doctor who is so understanding and supportive of their abnormalities?

An Old Enemy

Penny, Paul the Seal Boy's lady love, sneaks home after caring for his gunshot wound that no one else seems concerned about anymore. Penny's dad is livid that she's been at the freak show all night and he's actually starting to seem a little crazy too. Penny says she's going back there for good as soon as she packs. She also tells her father he'll have to kill her to keep her from leaving the house again to be with Paul. Dad talks about his amazing reputation and how she is shaming him. He says he'll do what it takes to make sure "no one knows you belong to me." He means this literally...he has a tattoo artist on standby to ink the hell out of Penny's sweet face. She almost has a jungle animal print thing going. Dad also had her tongue forked...apparently he wasn't playing around with his threats.

As I Want You To Be

Back at the freak show grounds, Richard/Stanley approaches Dell and tries to blackmail him. He says he saw Dell at the gay bar. He pulls a gun on Dell and tells him that he won't out him...if Dell brings him a dead freak. So...my brain immediately says...Dell should just kill Stanley instead. Right? I mean, wait til Stanley isn't holding a gun...and just kill him. Apparently I'm off my rocker though because....

Dell first decides he's going to try to take out the Amazon Woman. Makes sense because, you know, she's the only person in the whole damn place that could kick his ass...which she does. The writers are really reaching here. Ethel is pisssssed when she finds out about this and Jimmy swears that he'll kick Dell's ass to the curb. When Jimmy approaches him, Dell decides he'll kill Lobster Boy instead. This doesn't work either because the two have a heart to heart and do some male bonding over a bottle of something. Jimmy gets drunk, throws up, tells Dell he knows Dell is his father. they share a hug...all is well. 

In the end, Dell chooses to kill Ma Petite, which was really the most logical choice to begin with (other than Stanley). The poor thing escaped Maggie/Esmeralda's plan last week, but she was unfortunately living on borrowed time. Dell brings her a new dress to wear...so she immediately wants to hug him. I guess she has no idea that he tried to kill the Amazon Woman the night before? Dell picks her up and snaps her neck, and it's very hard to watch. He says "I'm sorry" when it's over, and the next time we see Ma Petite, she's on display at the morbidity museum. For real this time. 

The episode ends there, and I have to say that my interest in this season is starting to wane. Elsa is going to Hollywood! Except she isn't and no one seems to care. Dell is the strongest man alive but is being blackmailed by a snaky dude that he could crush like Ma Petite...but he crushes Ma Petite...after trying to overpower someone whose body would have been almost impossible to remove with no one noticing. The dead doctor has magic hands that allowed him to mangle himself before blowing his brains out. Everyone is good with this explanation. Penny's strict and proper dad knows a freakishly tattooed tattoo artist who comes over to his house...without ruining his reputation. You get where I'm going with this. Can the witches from Coven pop up and resurrect Twisty please? 

TWD Season 5 Episode 6: Cosumed

Okay, I'm going to just breathe for a second. At long last, we have a Carol and Daryl episode. Side by side. Just the two of them. The hour is all about the badass duo's quest to find Beth. This is by far my favorite episode of the season and I'm not ashamed to admit that I will be re-watching "Consumed" several times. Here's what went down (or didn't)...

Exiled

We have a serious of flashbacks throughout the episode, and the first one we see is immediately after Rick sent Carol off on her own when she admitted to killing Karen and David. I know...I don't really remember them either. She drives away from Rick and pulls over on the side of the road, sobbing while Walkers bang on her windows. This is a woman who had literally lost everything and I remember the bitterness I felt when this happened. Carol finds her way to an empty law firm and sets up shop there for a little while, until looking out the window one day to see smoke coming from off in the distance. This was the day the Governor attacked the prison, and Carol made her way there as fast as she could. 

Carol's next flashback has her digging graves for Mika and Lizzie. Man. They are seriously tugging at my heartstrings tonight. She pauses and looks up at another cloud of smoke, which we know now was Terminus. We also know that she caused a hell of a lot more smoke at Terminus when she essentially blew it up. But this memory ends with her just looking up, on the verge of saving her friends, just as the prison flashback ended with her car pulling up just as the prison chaos was starting... these are the moments before she went in for a rescue. 

Following those memories, we see Carol burning the bodies of Karen and David. More smoke. This is the most extreme situation Carol has faced when thinking she was "saving" the group. This was not a rescue...but it was Carol taking extreme measures to keep the healthy people safe. 

The final flashback is of Carol taking off the Walker guts poncho she wore while taking down Terminus. She's seen walking away...but I assume this is right before she decided to reunite with the group and take them to see Tyreese and Judith. She went from exile to redemption in what seemed like forever to us...but really just a short time in The Walking Dead world. 

Bonnie and Clyde

Carol and Daryl are following the car they believe also took Beth away last season. Carol suggests they run the car off the road and then make the driver talk, but Daryl wants to be sneaky and observe. Unfortunately, they run out of gas before they can follow the car back to its origin and they have to find shelter for the rest of the night. My brain is thinking "Yes! Finally! Carol and Daryl are totally going to hook up!" I mean, it's TIME for this to happen, right? 

Carol takes him to a women's shelter she knows of nearby and they find themselves in one of the temporary housing rooms...with bunk beds. Carol offers to take the top bunk but says she will keep first watch while Daryl sleeps on the bottom bunk. Carol asks him if he's started over. He says "I'm tryin'." When Daryl asks her what's really on her mind she says "I don't think we get to save people anymore." He asks why she's here then. Carol replies "I'm tryin'." She sits down next to Daryl on the bed and then lays back. Daryl also lays back...this has to be it, right? Right?  Right?!?!?! Nope. They hear a noise and go to investigate it. A Walker is banging on one of the office doors...the mood is sufficiently killed...and Carol and Daryl sleep in shifts. AGHHHHHH.

When morning comes, the two make their way through downtown Atlanta on foot in an effort to find the car that had alluded them. Daryl's plan is to make it to the top (or close to it) of one of the big office buildings to get a good look at the surrounding area. They find a suitable building and navigate through it, though not without some challenges. They encounter several Walkers and many of the doors are chained shut. Daryl and Carol squeeze through one doorway and find an office with a pretty great view of the city. Daryl sees a car with the same white cross markings as the one that took Beth. It's parked just across the way. They have a lead. Just before they head out of the office, Daryl makes a couple of comments about a painting hanging on one of the walls. "Looks like a dog sat in paint and wiped its ass all over the place. Carol says she likes the painting, and when Daryl teases her, she says "I'm serious. You don't know me." He replies "You keep telling yourself that." 

How Is He Still Alive?

While pushing herself back through the chained doorway, Carol inexplicably exits the door backwards...and Noah is there pointing a gun at her. Noah? Really? Dude can barely walk. He hasn't been eaten yet?  Anyway, he takes Carol and Daryl's weapons, cuts open some tents that had been holding Walkers, and hobbles away. Asshole. Carol still has a handgun hidden and she begins shooting. Daryl swipes at her hand to make sure she doesn't kill Noah and she swears she was aiming at his leg. Daryl says "he's just a damn kid" and Noah makes a narrow escape. 

Carol and Daryl try to find their way out of the building while Carol grumbles about losing their weapons. She says she doesn't want to see Daryl or anyone at the church die, and that's why she was lingering near the car outside of the church. "You're not who you were and neither am I...I don't know if I believe in God or Heaven anymore, but if I'm going to Hell, I'm making damn sure I'm holding it off as long as I can." With that, Carol hastily picks up her bag and a book falls out - Treating Survivors of Child Abuse. She had taken it from the women's shelter. 

Traveling on foot once again, Carol and Daryl cross a bridge and find a van with the white markings leaning over the edge. Daryl carefully searches the vehicle as a ton of Walkers approach. Knowing they can't kill their way out of the horde with minimal weapons, they climb in the van, fasten their seat belts....and go over the bridge, crashing into the ground below. Holy shit. Many Walkers follow them over the edge and we can see and hear them splattering on the van's roof and windshield. It makes me giggle. Carol's arm is all effed up and she's not walking too well. Daryl says it was a stupid thing to do and Carol replies "We made good time getting down." HA! She's got a point. They are three blocks from the hospital now, and they are going back to observing mode.

Finding another building to hide in, Carol and Daryl snack and have a heart to heart. He mentions Carol's comments about how he's not who he was before. Daryl asks her "How was I?" Carol says he was like a kid before....but a man now. She then tells him that she and Sophia had stayed in the women's shelter for a day and a half before running back to her abusive husband. "Who I was with him...she got burned away and I was happy about that. And at the prison, I got to be who I always thought I should be...thought I should have been. Then she got burned away. Now it just consumes you." Daryl looks at her and says "We ain't ashes," and this would be the PERFECT time for a smooch, but they hear gunfire and rush to check it out.

Wouldn't you know it? Noah is still doing his damnedest to survive. Carol and Daryl kill a Walker that's attacking Noah, but he tries to run away again. Seeing the opportunity to get the weapons back, Daryl traps him under a bookcase and considers leaving him to become Walker food. "I already helped you once. It ain't happening again." Carol pleads with Daryl to save Noah...and Daryl does so at the very last second. 

Noah tells them he's from the hospital and Daryl asks him if he saw a blond girl there. "You mean, Beth?" Wow. I know we're in a zombie apocalypse but had no idea Beth was the only blond girl around anymore. Noah tells them she's still trapped there and the three of them try to exit the building before the shady cops find them. Carol runs outside and a hospital car hits her. The cops put her on a stretcher and take her away. Daryl and Noah steal a huge truck and head back to the church to call in the cavalry.

The episode ends there and now we know why Carol ended up in the hospital. She's not there as a spy - she's seriously all kinds of banged up. And with Noah in the picture and the church group about to join in, I think we missed the boat once again on the Carol and Daryl romance. Damn it. 

We do seem to have ourselves quite the rescue mission coming though. All of Carol's flashbacks with her various "I'm going to save everyone" situations have lead up to her really being one of the characters we simply can't do without on this show. She's seen a lot of smoke and lost parts of herself along the way, but Daryl is right...she's not ashes. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a kick ass hospital invasion with Rick, Daryl, Michonne, and Tyreese. It can't get much better than that....oh yeah it could. Daryl could friggin kiss Carol when they rescue her. I'm not asking too much, am I?

AHS Freak Show Episode 6: Bullseye

When we last left the craziness of Freak Show, Stanley (disguised as talent agent Richard) had Elsa and the twins believing they would soon embark on a television career. Elsa, however, dumped Dot and Bette at psycho Dandy's house, which is throwing a wrench into Stanley's plans of collecting their heads....literally. Desiree found out she's allllll woman, and Jimmy discovered that he's not exactly the ladies man he hoped to be. Dell might have had the quickest romance in AHS history, and Precious Regina was introduced, hopefully to wreak some havoc on Dandy's insane ass. There's a ton happening on the show right now and "Bullseye" is just as chaotic...

It's My Party

It's Elsa's birthday week and everyone is celebrating. The "freaks" believe that once Elsa makes it big in Hollywood, she will bring all of them out there to share in her success. Even though Elsa's family is excited for their future, they can't help but mope a little about the twins' departure. Elsa had told the group Dot and Bette decided to leave on their own accord, and she doesn't want to hear another word about it. 

Elsa calms her frustrations by hopping into bed with the tattooed Seal Boy. They've apparently had quite the fling going on and she offers to have him meet her in Hollywood before the rest of the clan. He says he could manage to learn how to drive to make this happen. Elsa responds with "of course, when I have a normal suitor, you can simply pretend to be my chauffeur...which you would be." Ouch.  

Don't feel too sorry for Paul the Seal Boy. He's managed to also hook up with the hospital volunteer from the first episode. Dude gets around. Apparently Jimmy's not the only guy in the Cabinet of Curiosities with magic hands. Anyway, Paul and his tattoos jump from Elsa's bed to this young lady's and he professes his love for her. Elsa eventually finds out that someone else is sampling Paul's, um, ink and it does not go over well. More on that later. 

Wheel Of Fortune

Paul the Seal Boy makes his way into town to buy perfume for, well, the woman he's banging who isn't Elsa. He runs into Dandy and Dandy is in quite a hurry, buying two of all of the female hair care products and make-up. Dandy pretends not to know him, but Paul mentions that Dandy showed up to the Freak Show and tried to buy the twins....and then Paul puts two and two together, so to speak. 

He goes back home and tells his theory to Jimmy, insinuating that Elsa got rid of the girls. Jimmy dismisses Paul as an ungrateful jerk and the Seal Boy ends up confronting Elsa. He reeks of someone else's perfume, so Elsa already assumes he is cheating on her (if we can really call it that). And when Paul mentions the twins, she instantly flips her shit. She wakes everyone up, screams at them, demeans them and tells them they are not loyal. She says the only way to prove they are faithful is for one of them to climb aboard the wheel/bullseye. You see, Elsa was quite the expert knife thrower back in the day, so those who would trust her would have no problem being strapped to the wheel. Jimmy volunteers first, but Paul pushes him aside. 

Elsa takes her time and draws out the suspense. The first knife lands near Paul's head. The second lands between his legs. The third lands right in his gut. D'oh! She swears it was an accident, but there's no way she was going to let him stick around with his accusations....or perfume. They move him to Elsa's trailer (to wait for the doctor that is never coming) and his lady love arrives to check on him. Apparently the two were supposed to rendezvous at some point during the night and he obviously never made it. Elsa leaves the lovebirds in her trailer and heads to the big top, and that's the last we see of Paul and his girlfriend this episode. 

Pick On Someone Your Own Size

Stanley and Maggie/Esmeralda meet on the outskirts of the camp to discuss the missing twins. Stanley wants a payday and tells Maggie to lure Jimmy to a barn so they can kill him and take his hands back to the museum. Maggie argues and he presses her for a better idea. She offers up Ma Petite...the world's smallest (and possibly cutest) woman. The plan is jar her up and drown her...but Maggie can't go through with it. She's grown to care for these "freaks" and she asks Jimmy to run away with her. They smooch and he tells her to pack her bags. He just has one thing to take care of first. Maggie gleefully returns to her tent, but Stanley is there and he is pissssssed. He says he's moving forward with his plan to get Jimmy's hands and storms off. 

Marry That Girl. Marry Her Anyway. 

Dandy and Gloria have a new maid but Dandy liked Dora better. "Hindsight is 20/20 dear," his mother tells him. Gloria assumes that Dandy is going to use Dot and Bette as some sort of plaything(s) but Dandy declares he is in love with them. He intends to marry them. Gloria is appalled...because, you know, a two headed daughter-in-law is far more disgraceful than a son who murders people. 

Bette is also totally in love with Dandy but Dot continues to be a Debbie Downer. She assumes she and Bette are prisoners without really being prisoners...and she's right. She asks if they can go back to their tent and retrieve some personal items, but Dandy insists he will just replace anything that they may have left behind. He also informs them that there's a story in the newspaper about the first surgery separating Siamese twins. A light bulb goes off in Dot's head....Dandy has the money it would take for their surgery. She envisions being free of Bette and reuniting with Jimmy, hoping that she would be the twin to survive the procedure.

Dandy would like for the girls to get along a bit better. He doesn't want any secrets between the three of them and offers an "I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours" revelation game. Dandy starts by saying he was the one who killed the clown and saved everyone. He tells the girls Jimmy was unconscious and he's the real hero. Bette is enamored and Dot calls bullshit. The game ends abruptly. 

Gloria finds her son sobbing in his room and runs to his aid. He broke into Dot's diary and read the not so friendly things she wrote about him. He realizes that his aspirations of a happy trio have been demolished, and he tells his mother "I was never destined to feel love. I know why I was put here. My purpose is to bring death." He grabs a knife and heads down the stairs. Jimmy is at the door, looking for the girls. 

I'll Cry If I Want To

Ethel invites Elsa to have a piece of the birthday cake she made for her. Elsa gives a teary speech about family and how she sees Ethel as a sister. She doesn't understand why the others don't trust her. Ethel lights the candle on the cake and comforts Elsa...then she says "If I ever found out you're lying or did wrong by those girls, I'll kill you with my own two hands. Now, make a wish." Ha! Elsa wishes to be loved, blows out the candle, and the episode ends there. 

Just about every bit of this episode ended on a cliffhanger. What will happen to Jimmy and the twins? Will Paul die from his wounds? Is there a point to his lady love showing up when she did? How quickly does Maggie think she can get Jimmy out of town? I feel like a major death (or two) is coming next week. They've been teasing us with the "These characters are dead and at the oddity museum! Just kidding!" scenes for a while now, so there has to be something big coming soon right? One thing's for sure: Ethel is one bad ass bearded lady. I have to wonder if Elsa ended up with any hair in her cake....  

TWD Season 5 Ep 5: Self-Help

Last week The Walking Dead fans got what they have been waiting for (or what they cared very little about) with a "what really happened to Beth?" episode. Clearly we're going to find out the aftermath of Noah's escape, Beth's failed escape, and Carol's arrival at the hospital, right? Nah. We're shifting gears in "Self-Help." Here's how the episode played out...

Nice Ride

Abraham drives the school bus as Smokin' Hot Rosita caresses his hair. He offers to let her shave him down "dolphin smooth." Well, there's something you don't hear everyday. Stupid Tara makes a joke about Eugene's hair, asking him if it's his source of strength. Eugene looks pretty stressed out though. I guess there is a lot of pressure on him with saving the world and stuff. Maggie asks how long it will take for Eugene to do what he has to do...and Eugene talks about the density of the infected, target sites worldwide, as some other "factors" that will determine the timeline. Glenn asks a few more science-y questions, then finishes with "Why the hair?" Eugene replies "Cuz I like it." Done and done. 

Unfortunately the bus blows a tire, hits a broken down truck, and then flips on its side after a few seconds of being airborne. To make matters worse - a horde of Walkers is right there to check for survivors. Everyone is injured but there's no time to worry about that. They have to get out of there pretty damn quick and take out those Walkers, which they do with no problems. They just need to get the first aid kit and other supplies from the bus and then they can move on....except the bus is now engulfed in flames. Damn. Eugene suggests they make their way back to the church but Abraham says the mission hasn't changed. "We're at war. If we retreat, we lose."

Peeping Tom

The group finds shelter in a book store and Abraham finds some "alone time" with Smokin' Hot Rosita.  Apparently Eugene likes to watch and Smokin' Hot Rosita sees Eugene peeking through the self-help section. Ha! Abraham says Eugene is harmless and keeps doing what he's doing. Stupid Tara catches Eugene (who is not doing a great job at hiding by the way) and he tells her that he enjoys the female form and thinks this is a harmless crime that allows both comfort and distraction. I do love this man...well I do right up until he tells Stupid Tara that he sabotaged the bus. What!? Whyyyy? Eugene apparently knows that he can't survive on his own, and if he's not meant to save the world, then why would anyone keep him around? Dude has serious confidence issues. 

The next morning Smokin' Hot Rosita tends to Abraham's wounds and suggests they stay in the bookstore one more day. Everyone is injured and she thinks they should regroup before pressing forward on foot. It seems they've lost several members of their group along the way from Houston, and she believes they should be at 100% (or close to it) before continuing on. No dice. Abraham is all about the mission and getting Eugene to Washington as quickly as possible because people are dying, blah, blah, blah. Maggie and Stupid Tara enter the room to say the town and store appear to be in good shape. They suggest scavenging for one more day, but Smokin' Hot Rosita backs Abraham and says they'll sweep as they go. Interesting.

Never Trust A Mullet

Abraham spots a fire truck and voila! The group has a new set of wheels to get them back on their journey. Just kidding. The truck won't start and the firehouse is overrun by Walkers. Our heroes themselves are running on empty at this point, so Eugene's move of turning the fire hose on all of the zombies was brilliant. Abraham temporarily fixes the fire truck but it doesn't get them far. The group ends up back on foot again and they smell something awful. Just ahead lies two farms on either side of the road. Both are infested with Walkers....and I do mean infested. You'd need to drop a bomb on that land to make it passable. Abraham maintains that they need to press on but everyone is calling bullshit at this point, including Smokin' Hot Rosita. Emotions run high, fights break out, and Eugene screams "I'm not a scientist! I lied. I don't know how to stop this."

Silence and lots of it. I have to wonder exactly how the wheels are turning in everyone's minds at this point. Who will really react first? Smokin' Hot Rosita says that she's seen Eugene do things that only a scientist would know how to do. Eugene explains that he is smarter than most and that he "knows things." He believes that Washington really is their best shot at survival. Abraham beats the shit out of Eugene and his hands are covered in Eugene's blood. Smokin' Hot Rosita puts her hand on her gun and tells him to get away. Abraham walks a few paces, drops to his knees, and sobs. 

We flash back to Abraham's days just after the zombie apocalypse began. Abraham had a wife and two kids and we see them scavenging at a grocery store. Abraham's hands and clothes are bloody and it looks like he's been doing whatever is necessary to protect his family. He's been taking out Walkers...as well as the living competition. Abraham is violent to a point where his wife and children are terrified of him. The next flashback we see is Abraham waking up to a note that says "don't try to find us." Apparently his family thought they were safer without him. Ouch. Crazy or not, I know damn well I would be better off with Abraham. That dude could protect me far better than I could ever protect myself. 

Abraham of course goes on a search for his wife and kids...but he only finds their bodies. He decides to kill himself and is seconds away from putting a bullet in his brain when he hears screaming. Eugene is running away from three Walkers and Abraham saves him. Eugene explains that he is on a very important mission, and suddenly Abraham has something to live for. 

The episode ends there and I feel terrible for Abraham. Now we know why he was so adamant about completing the mission and not wasting any more time. He's not just an asshole - he's a man who had one reason to continue on, and that one reason was a total lie. As much as Eugene makes me smile, I'm pretty pissed at him. I'm interested though to see what Team Eugene will do now that Eugene is a fraud. Common sense says to go back to the church, but will they all stay together? 

I'm also not sure what to expect next week now that we have the severed story lines. Will we see more of this group? Will we get back to the hospital in Atlanta? Will we check in on Rick and the church? As much as I hate the group divided, I'm loving this season and can't wait to see what happens next. 

AHS Freak Show Ep 5: Pink Cupcakes

Coming off of the Halloween episodes, I was almost sad going into this evening's American Horror Story hour. Twisty's departure definitely caused a lull in "Pink Cupcakes" but we did learn some interesting things about our already very interesting characters. This is an episode of lust, deceit, and murder, but tonight's show lacked the overall edge of your seat vibe the previous episodes had. Here's where we are in week 5 of AHS Freak Show... 

An Assortment of Oddities

The episode opens with a celebration at the American Morbidity Museum where professional swindlers Stanley/Richard and Maggie/Esmeralda stand disregarded in the background. The museum is unveiling its new exhibit: "Modern Mutations." When the curtain opens, the tattooed Seal Boy from The Cabinet of Curiosities is dead and floating in a sealed tank. You think that's shocking? The tank featuring Dot and Bette's heads is next and I have an "oh shit!" moment. I hope this is just a fantasy Stanley/Richard is having. We already lost Twisty incredibly soon. Let's hold onto the twins for a little while longer, shall we?

I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar.

Jimmy practices his lobster boy juggling act outside because he apparently still gets stage fright. Esmeralda approaches and offers to read his palm and tell him his future. She says that a man is coming to give him information and that man will be a liar. Esmeralda then tells Jimmy that he should go north and get out of the freak show. Sensing that Esmeralda really cares about him, Jimmy goes in for the kiss...but Esmeralda pulls her head away. She says Jimmy's future is bright but she is not in it. Ouch.

Back to work. Dell is nowhere to be found and we are getting close to show time. Jimmy goes to Dell and Desiree's trailer and finds a very pissed off Desiree. She has no idea where her hubby is and cries over a drink...and her 3 boobs...about the early days between her and Dell. He made her feel alive and now she feels nothing. Jimmy is all kinds of depressed too and he sits down and cries about Meep. This seems like an appropriate time for them to make out(!) and I immediately wonder what the lobster hands are going to do with all of those titties. Jimmy makes do and moves his hands even lower. Desiree is bleeding "down there" though Jimmy passes her off to Ethel to take to a doctor. 

After an examination, Ethel's doctor tells Desiree she has suffered a miscarriage, which is strange considering Desiree never believed she could reproduce at all. Everyone thought Desiree was a boy when she was born. Her parents named her Derek and imagine their surprise when "he" hit puberty and sprouted boobs.  The doctor says Desiree was never a boy at all though...turns out that ding-a-ling she had described is actually an enlarged clitoris. She's all woman and then some. 

So you're saying I don't have a ding-a-ling?

Desiree confronts Dell when he finally comes home. See, Ethel had told her that Dell is Jimmy's father (do you think that made Desiree feel weird about having his lobster hands in her lady parts?) and she's pissed that Dell kept this a secret from her. She informs Dell that she is leaving him - the doctor is going to hook her up with some cosmetic surgery to take care of her abnormalities, and she's going to find a normal husband, have a normal life, and make some normal babies. For now though...she's moving in with Ethel which is pretty damn funny. Dell takes it upon himself to visit the doctor the next day and break both of his hands. He tells the doctor to stay away from his wife and threatens to kill the doctor's family if he tells anyone about this visit. What. A. Douche.  

  

Pushing Up Daisies

At Gloria and Dandy's house, Momma discovers (most underused guest star ever) Patti LaBelle's dead body in the dining room. No Gloria...Dora will not be turning the percolator on. Nor will Dora be available to clean the mess that is, well, Dora. Dandy rushes in with a "Someone must have broken into our home and murdered her" bullshit comment but Gloria knows right away that he killed their beloved maid. Gloria sends Dandy to his room which is totally the right punishment. I'm guessing if he had chopped Dora's body up, he wouldn't get dessert tonight either. Harsh, Gloria. Harsh.  

Dora's final resting place is a specially made flower bed. Dandy apologizes to his mom for killing her and Gloria shrugs it all off as mental condition common among the affluent. She says Dandy's father had the same illness, and "he stifled it the only way he knew how." He apparently hung himself from a maple tree. There's no indication of how long ago this happened though. 

I wondered if this would be the last we hear of Dora, but Gabourey Sidibe has been cast as Dora's daughter, Regina. Seems Precious Regina has been trying to get a hold of her mom with no luck. She calls Gloria, who assures her that Dora is fine...she just works really hard and probably won't be able to call Precious Regina back for at least a month. That's not suspicious at all, Gloria. She makes the conversation even more awkward by asking Precious Regina her opinion of what kind of a mother she's been to Dandy. Gloria cries about her failures as a parent and Precious Regina freaks out and pretty much hangs up on her. 

American Psycho

Dandy works out in his room in his tighty whities and converse sneakers and thinks about his new lease on life...as well as taking lives. He believes Twisty was put on earth to introduce him to murder and now he has quite a taste for it. "But I am no clown. I am perfection. I am greatness. I am the future and the future starts tonight." Apparently tonight is a popular night at what looks like the local (probably secret) gay strip club. Dandy gets himself all dressed up for his big night there. You know who else is in the club though? Dell and his stripper/escort boyfriend, played by Matt Bomer. Well color me surprised! This explains why he banged the bearded lady and married a woman who he thought had a penis. Best of both worlds. 

Anyway, Dell is very protective of his new man....a little too protective. He doesn't seem to get the whole "escorts service other guys too" portion of the job, so he's there every day trying to spend time with the young hottie. I guess we know why Dell is missing from the freak show all the time. Everyone assumes he is on a drunken binge, but in reality he is pretty much obsessed with this dude. Dell ultimately wants to leave his wife and the freak show behind and start a new life with his new paramour, but the young hottie is mostly content with his job and assumes Dell is all talk. With his emotions getting the best of him, the strong man storms off, leaving his boyfriend to be Dandy's next victim. Off to Twisty's bus they go and Matt Bomer exits the show as quickly as he entered....well not super quickly...Dandy has to stab him a bazillion times and cut off his limbs before he finally dies. 

I Want My ETV

The new "talent scout" Richard visits Elsa in her tent just before showtime. He tells her he works in television and can make her a star, but Elsa is not a TV fan. She wants to be in motion pictures. She's ready for her close-up and believes television is "the death of art and civilization." Richard says he's eager to watch tonight's performance anyway and he exits to go find his seat in the full house. Elsa takes the stage but the audience is not a fan. Some are giggling, some aren't paying attention at all, and some start to "boo" and throw food at her. Suddenly Elsa has changed her tune and wants Richard to tell her more about television stardom. 

Elsa totally buys Richard's story about having "The Elsa Mars Hour" on TV. She gets herself all done up and struts toward his car, ready for her big break. As she approaches impostor's vehicle though, she sees Dot and Bette in the back seat....then she sees Richard drive away with them.   

Stanley/Richard takes the twins on a picnic, complete with poisoned cupcakes. He's been trying to sell them on their own one hour TV show and the ever so gullible Bette is on board right away. Dot doesn't indulge in her cupcake but Bette is affected by the poison of hers right away. Dot feels the pain as Bette fades away. Stanley suffocates Dot...and then we find out that this has ALL been a DAYDREAM. Whew. Both twins actually refuse the cupcakes. After all, they have to watch their weight if they are going to be TV personalities. 

When the sisters return to camp, they tell Elsa all about this new opportunity. Elsa explains that she too will have her own show but she'll mentor them in their career as well. Isn't that nice of her? Dot is hesitant but Bette is practically packing their suitcase. Elsa takes the twins to meet a seamstress who will make them new TV-worthy clothes. Well, that's what the twins think anyway. Elsa actually takes them to Gloria's house. Whaaaat?

The episode ends there and I'm just tired of all things having to do with Dandy. Twisty was so much more fun and brought a terror factor that no one else on this show has. I'm offended on behalf of the clown any time Dandy puts on Twisty's mask, and I really hope he moves to the back burner next week. I did, however, really enjoy Angela Bassett tonight. She hasn't done much since her character's introduction and it was time for her to have a moment. Is she really done with Dell? Is Dell going to go from douchebag to psycho when he realizes his boyfriend is dead or at least missing? Will Stanley and Maggie actually snag any of the freaks or will Stanley's museum fantasy remain just that? I'm waiting for some of these folks to start serving a purpose and I'm hoping the wait doesn't go on for too many more episodes.