TWD Season 9 Episode 1: A New Beginning

Annnnnd we're back! The Walking Dead returns tonight with a time jump of at least a year and a half. The good news for Lauren Cohen is we never actually saw Maggie pregnant, so that was one less wardrobe thing for her to worry about in her character's journey. The bad news for us is Lauren Cohen is leaving the show this season, though it seems that it will be more of a hiatus than a RIP scenario. On the flip side, Andrew Lincoln is peacing out as well and all reports point to Rick Grimes' demise. I'm not going to go on another rampage on how dumb it was for TWD show runners to kill of Carl, so let's just see where we are after "A New Beginning."

People Of The World Today

The hour(ish) opens with our heroes working together to raid a museum in D.C. for items that might be helpful in their new normal. Seems the group has been working hard on mastering the material in "The Key" book that Georgie had bestowed upon Maggie, and they have adapted to operating like people did in older days. Farming is huge, windmills are succeeding, and the Grimes gang relies more on traveling by horse now, which makes sense given the gas supply wasn't going to last forever. In this trip Rick, Michonne, Daryl, Carol, Ezekiel, Alden, Jesus, Tara, Maggie, Enid, Siddiq, Jadis/Anne, Cyndie, Aaron, Smokin' Hot Rosita, Man Bun Jesus, a half blind Gabriel sans facial hair, and others are on a mission to secure a covered wagon, plow, canoe, and other dated supplies that may come in handy. Things get a bit dicey when the group tries to pull the wagon over the glass floor and we alllllmost lose Ezekiel to the Walkers below. The King and others walking on the glass are attached to a rope though and our heroes pull him to safety. Carol rushes to Ezekiel and gives him a big kiss because apparently they are a thing now. Damn it. I'm never going to get my Daryl/Carol happily ever after, am I? 

Anyway, the group begins the journey home...wherever home is these days given the last time we saw these guys they were split in different locations, and a very large herd of Walkers thwarts their progress. They make off with the wagon and canoe, but lose the plow and Ken (no idea who that is) in the process. Bummer. The trek is not without some smiles though. After Ezekiel's brush with death, he proceeds to propose to Carol on the ride home. She turns him down, of course, because that's not how Carol rolls and this is apparently not the first time she has done so. He laughs it off, saying he'll just hold onto the ring until she's ready, and I'll admit that the exchange is cute...even though it would be cuter with Daryl. 

No Struggle, No Progress

Catching up with the various communities now, we realize Alexandria has been restored and is also approaching "Carl's dream Alexandria" status. Rick is running the show there, naturally, and Maggie is leading Hilltop via election, and Hilltop appears to be thriving the most out of all of the communities. Cyndie heads up Oceanside with help from Eugene and Smokin' Hot Rosita, Ezekiel still rules the resurrected Kingdom, and Daryl is the man in charge of The Sanctuary. Daryl is not a fan of being in charge of The Sanctuary...probably because most of the people there are still douchebags (Justin in particular). The former "we are all Negan" dwellers are also having a hell of a time with the whole farming/building/do-this-shit-yourself thing and constantly need food and supplies from neighboring communities. It's become tiresome. Daryl tells Rick that he wants out of The Sanctuary and would prefer to be with Maggie in Hilltop, and Rick seems a bit hurt that Daryl wouldn't want to be in Alexandria instead. Sensing Daryl's feelings, Carol offers to run The Sanctuary. Well, I think Carol is also trying to avoid seriousness with Ezekiel, but Daryl takes her up on the offer and gets the hell out of there. 

Rick, Daryl, Michonne and some others head to Hilltop where Rick appeals to Maggie for more stuff for the Saviors. Maggie is tired of being the constant giver and this request isn't well received. Rick doesn't really seem to pick up on the tension, asking her to visit Alexandria to see Judith when she can. Duh, Rick. You're keeping Negan alive in Alexandria. Why the hell would Maggie want to visit? Maggie agrees to give The Sanctuary food and supplies in exchange for the fuel the Saviors make from those supplies. She also acknowledges that one of the main bridges nearby is in need of serious repairs and says the Saviors need to provide the labor to fix it. Rick tells Maggie the Saviors are barely hanging on and they are obliged to help, but Maggie isn't having it (nor should she). "They surrendered. We didn't kill them. That's it."

Strength In Numbers

Turns out Ken is the son of the Hilltop blacksmith and his parents are livid when they find out what happened to him. Mom accuses Maggie of sacrificing her son to find supplies that only help the Saviors, and Maggie is quickly banned from Ken's funeral. She watches from the balcony of her big house with baby Hershel in tow. I love that she named her baby Hershel, but this is made all the more tear-jerking with Scott Wilson's death. Who knew the tribute would be such a tribute? Anyway, Dumb Ass Gregory uses this opportunity to rile up some Hilltop folks into thinking Maggie is an unfit leader. So much so that he stages an attack, tricking Maggie into thinking Glenn's grave has been vandalized so she is out there on her own in the dark (well, "on her own" but pushing Hershel in a stroller) when an attempt is made on her life by a hooded man. Turns out the hooded man is Ken's dad and Enid and Man Bun Jesus hear a commotion and come to Maggie's aid. She quickly realizes that Ken's dad did not come up with this plan on his own and she confronts Dumb Ass Gregory. Staying consistent in jackassery, Maggie's predecessor tries to stab her with a knife and fails miserably...like he has at most other things. 

What to do with Dumb Ass Gregory and his conspirators? Maggie gives Ken's parents a pass given their grief, but she sentences Dumb Ass Gregory to death because "the punishment must fit the crime," and I give a resounding "WOOHOO!" from my couch. Keeping with the "we do things old school now" theme, Dumb Ass Gregory finds himself sitting on a horse with a noose around his neck as he pleads for his life. Michonne sees children nearby and calls for Maggie to stop the execution so they don't see the aftermath, but Maggie signals to Daryl, then Daryl slaps the horse's behind, and Dumb Ass Gregory is no more. Good. Effing. Riddance. 

The episode ends there and it was nice to see how far these folks have come over time. It was also nice to see Dumb Ass Gregory get the noose. Seriously. HOW had that guy lasted so long? Maggie must have the patience of a saint. Not only has she tolerated the guy who has undermined her since Hilltop was introduced, she is now still biding her time with the Rick revenge she promised in the Season 8 finale. Will we see any payback before Rick's final farewell? Will Maggie cause Rick's death? Too soon to tell, but I will say that I am pleased with the time jump so far. We needed something different and here's hoping we're off to a good start. 

AHS Apocalypse: Could It Be...Satan?

Tonight's episode of American Horror Story: Apocalypse brings out Cordelia's Coven in full force and also takes us on a side journey to another AHS season that I was not expecting (color me pleasantly surprised though).  Still no significant time spent on Murder House, but at least we are seeing more and more familiar faces. Who pops up in this hour? Here's where we are after "Could It Be...Satan?"

You're Not The Way You Seemed

The episode opens with Langdon reminiscing about the good old days with whoever Matrix Miriam was based on. We flash back to what appears to be a teenage Langdon, dining with the "real" Miriam (or whatever her name actually was) and she is played by Kathy Bates...so who knows what the hell happened to Constance. Langdon says he's not sure how this woman found him, but he was grateful for his home with her. She fixed him good meals, for which they would say "grace" to the dark lord, and she was no stranger to bloodshed. She killed her first 3 husbands. "If something isn't working, it's best to just cut the cord and make sure the insurance policy is up to date." When Langdon jokingly comments on her evil behavior, she responds: "Hell yeah! I'm the devil momma." 

Langdon's trip down memory lane is interrupted when he senses strong powers in Outpost 3. In another part of the facility we circle back with Cordelia, Madison and Myrtle as well as the newly undead Mallory, Coco and Dinah. Cordelia notes that Coco and Mallory had been under an identity spell for their protection (didn't want to interfere with Coco's Instagram success?) but they are awakened now because the Coven needs all the help they can get in fighting evil. Dinah immediately bows out...and also doesn't seem phased that her son died choking on his own poisoned vomit in the next room. When Langdon and Matrix Miriam appear, Dinah is eager to tell him she is not taking sides in this fight and Coco is eager to say she does not want to die a second time. Lagndon indicates that he has already won the fight, as evidenced by the current state of the world, and I'm left wondering if he somehow orchestrated the missile attacks. I'm also left wondering how often Cordelia brings witches back from the dead these days. When Langdon was doing his weird blood pentagram ritual thingy last week and saying he had thought he got rid of the witches, did he not realize that people don't stay dead in Cordelia-land? 

You Cheated And You Schemed

We flash back again and visit Outpost 3 three years before the world was pretty much destroyed. The underground dwelling was indeed a boys' school called the Hawthorne School For Exceptional Young Men. Much like Miss Robichaux's Academy, this school was designed to teach magic to its promising inhabitants. Cheyenne Jackson, Billy Porter, and B.D. Wong are leading the charge for these warlocks, and their characters' names are John Henry Moore, Behold Chablis, and Baldwin Pennypacker, according to Wikipedia. Regardless of their character names, I'd sure as hell love to see them do a Broadway mashup of some kind throughout the halls of Hawthorne. Anyway, the trio is summoned to a meeting with their Grand Chancellor, Ariel, who has discovered a young man with incredible powers. We see a police interrogation video where a very emotional Michael Langdon uses his mind to break the limbs off of the cop and literally make his head explode. Ariel thinks this young man might be the "Alpha" they have been waiting for, meaning a male "Supreme" that could rival Cordelia. Totally. If I were part of a group of warlocks, practicing good magic, and looking for a powerful leader, I would definitely want the guy who can turn a human head into a pinata. Doesn't seem like anything bad could happen there. Sigh. John Henry Moore thinks the boy is simply possessed by a demon and doesn't want anyone to get their hopes up.

Ariel goes to the jail to meet with Langdon and we learn that Langdon was imprisoned for putting a bunch of knives into the local butcher. When said butcher was being a dick to non-robot Miriam, Langdon used his mind to throw 5 knives into dude's body, but he plays this off to Ariel as an accident. He pretends that he doesn't know his powers or how to control them even though we know he's evil as fuck. Ariel busts Langdon out of jail and invites him to Hawthorne, which is pretty much like inviting Tom Riddle to Hogwarts, and Langdon happily goes with. Non-robot Miriam is even waiting outside the jailhouse when Langdon drives away with Ariel, wishing her boy the best of luck from afar. "I'm a true believer, Michael. I'll be here for you. Always! Hail the new world!" 

When Ariel and Langdon arrive at the warlock school, Ariel explains that Hawthorne used to have a big, beautiful building before they had to literally go underground. Apparently when Cordelia started giving TV interviews and "outing" the magic folk, the locals burned the place down. Langdon receives a mostly warm welcome from the Hawthorne students and faculty (Mr. Moore is not thrilled), and Ariel immediately puts him to the test. Langdon passes the scrying challenge with flying colors, he masters transporting himself all over the room and ceiling in a flash, and finally, he makes it snow inside the library. He makes it snow so convincingly that he almost freezes Ariel and his trio of magic men to death. Some would view this as a red flag. I would view this as a red flag. Ariel views this as Langdon "spreading his wings." 

You're The Devil In Disguise

Ariel asks for a meeting with the Supreme, and Cordelia makes her way to Hawthorne with Myrtle and Zoe in tow. They leave behind their current group of students, one of which being pre-identity spell Mallory...who had recently turned a "change the color of the rose" exercise into a "turn the rose petals into beautiful butterflies" moment. Zoe notes that Mallory's genealogy may go all the way back to Salem, so I guess I understand why she would need to be protected. Anyway, Cordelia and her two sidekicks meet with Ariel and his trio of magic men to discuss the potential Alpha in their midst. Ariel wants Cordelia to give Langdon the test of the seven wonders and Cordelia says that is out of the question. She believes she would be condemning this young boy to his death by administering the test because there will never be a male Supreme. Cordelia laments losing Misty Day in the test of the seven wonders (I was pisssssssssed too when Misty did not return from her personal hell), and she does not want to put anyone else in that situation. Ariel calls her out on leaving Precious Queenie at the Hotel Cortez, and we now have a quick AHS: Hotel crossover too! If you recall, Precious Queenie was killed at the Hotel Cortez and much like the Murder House, if you die there, you're stuck there. Cordelia apparently did everything she could to try to bring Precious Queenie back from the dead, but she was no match for the evil of the hotel. "The light from which we draw our power was extinguished by Satan himself." Cordelia reiterates that she values all of the witches and warlocks at their schools and says there will be no test. 

Langdon overhears what is happening in the meeting and makes his way to the Hotel Cortez, easily retrieving Precious Queenie from her never ending card game with James March. They then swing by Madison Montgomery's own personal hell to rescue her as well, but I did rather like her as store clerk with a never ending line of people wanting to return merchandise. The fact that the shoppers kept mistaking her for Lindsey Lohan was icing on the cake. Langdon accomplishes all of this before Cordelia, Zoe, and Myrtle even leave Hawthorne, and he is walking up with Madison and Precious Queenie when the witches are exiting the school. The sight of Madison and Precious Queenie is enough to make Cordelia pass the fuck out. 

The episode ends there and I will say it's been fun to revisit the AHS: Coven characters. That was one of my favorite seasons. The James March cameo was a fun little treat as well, and I find it very interesting that there was a rival magic school for boys run by idiots during that time when Miss Robichaux's Academy was thriving. I'm trying to figure out at what point during these flashback sequences Cheyenne Jackson's character either 1) shaves his undesirable facial hair or 2) dies a horrible, awful, gratuitous death. At least one of those two things is coming, right? He seems to be the only Hawthorne guy with half a brain so he's got to go. And considering what Hawthorne becomes during the apocalypse, I assume these flashbacks will also include Langdon wiping out the exceptional young men at some point too? Were there really any other outposts governed by The Cooperative, or was Outpost 3 the sole experiment for Langdon on his search for evil people to assist him in his new world? And finally, do we think Zoe still has a toxic vagina? Before Cordelia brought her back from the dead right at the end of Season 3, dudes who had sex with Zoe (that were not undead dudes) would become dead dudes. I have to wonder if Cordelia's "back to life" powers got rid of Zoe's vaginal toxins...and maybe Coco's stupidity as well. The jury's still out on that one. 

AHS Apocalypse: Forbidden Fruit

Finally! Kinda. Tonight's episode of American Horror Story: Apocalypse took another strange turn as we peeled back more layers from the often annoying inhabitants of Outpost 3, learned a bit more about Matrix Miriam, and encountered a scorned significant other out for revenge. Oh...and then there's the 20 seconds of Coven/Murder House crossover. Are we getting somewhere that will satisfy those of us waiting for a Constance/Fiona/Tate/Misty/Vivien extravaganza? Here's where we are after "Forbidden Fruit." 

Have You Seen The Lady Fairer

We open the hour with Langdon continuing his interviews to determine who is worthy of going to the sanctuary, which is a place I am not convinced is even real at this point. He saves Timothy and Emily from execution even though Timothy shot Matrix Miriam's robot guts, and he informs Gallant that Evie "died peacefully in her sleep." Riiiiiiight. I realize for the first time that Andre is Dinah's son (has that been mentioned before?) and he's not a fan of his mom, and Dinah apparently has met Langdon before. Though we get no details of their past history, it does not seem like they were BFFs. 

Getting to the good stuff in the one-on-ones, Coco talks shit about Mallory because Mallory can't seem to wipe Coco's ass sufficiently, and Mallory...well Mallory has a dark side. In the midst of Mallory's interview, Langdon tells her he is looking for "the kinds of people who wouldn't just eat the fruit from the forbidden tree, but would cut the fucking tree down and burn it for firewood." He thinks Mallory is made for the new world he is talking about and Mallory confesses she feels that she has someone buried inside of her. She then panics and tries to leave the room but Langdon grabs her. Mallory unleashes some sort of unknown power and not only knocks Langdon over, she knocks a whole bunch of shit over in the room too.  He goes all Linda Blair on her and she makes the fireplace explode before running out of the room. We later see Langdon doing some sort of dark satanic pentagram blood spell something or other, calling out to his "father" for advice. Seems he believed he had gotten rid of a certain group of people, I assume the Coven, and now he has discovered a survivor.  Soooo...Langdon is indeed evil as fuck and Mallory is a witch. 

Her Face Is Like A Sail

We catch up now with Matrix Miriam who is coming to terms with the fact that she is a robot. She explains to Wilhemina that she has memories of growing up and we flash back to a young Miriam trick-or-treating as Rosie the robot from The Jetsons. Foreshadow much? She remembers receiving apples instead of candy at times and she hates apples. We then see a teenage Miriam on her first date, coincidentally on Halloween. The boy in question takes her to see Rosemary's Baby and tries to make a move on her, which she violently declines. Interesting choice of Rosemary's Baby here considering Langdon is pretty much the spawn of Satan. Jumping to another Halloween, Matrix Miriam gets her first kill as an agent of, I'm assuming, The Cooperative. Quite a fulfilling life for someone with robot guts and an unforgivable haircut. Matrix Miriam also shares that at one point in time she took care of a young boy with long blond hair. "I can feel the love I have for him. When I turn to look at his face in my memories, he's just a blur." Interesting. 

Wilhemina tries to comfort the lamenting robot by telling her the two of them are family now. She says they need to protect the outpost and maintains that she does not trust Langdon. Wilhemina confides that he has already told her she did not make the sanctuary cut, and Matrix Miriam is outraged. Her mechanical instincts are telling her they should just kill everyone. Even Langdon. The two agree they should take possession of his computer, figure out where the sanctuary is, and travel there together. So much for protecting the outpost. 

How do these two ladies plan to dispose of their bunker buddies? It just so happens another dark carriage arrives. There's no driver....kind of like there was no pilot on the plane that brought Coco and company to the outpost, but no one seems super concerned about this (how is no one super concerned about this?). The carriage delivers a whole bunch of delicious looking red apples and Wilhemina and Matrix Miriam hatch a Halloween plan. They will throw a masquerade ball in honor of the holiday and have everyone eat poison apples. The snakes are still in alive and in house, and the ladies extract venom and sabotage the fresh fruit. 

Like A Sunset Going Down

The annoying inhabitants of Outpost 3 are overjoyed at the Halloween ball announcement. They show up in dashing outfits, except for the grays who are just in gray, and the group finally looks like they are enjoying themselves. Coco dances with a masked man, who she assumes is Langdon, and they disappear to a bedroom. Everyone wants to bone Langdon apparently. To her surprise, it's BROCK! The boyfriend she ditched in Santa Monica! He snuck in during the apple delivery! He's been wandering the earth for the past 18 months looking for Coco and he's had some, um, radiation damage for sure. At first I think this will be a happy reunion...but then he puts a knife through her head and I realize dude had alternate plans. Question though - if Brock is there with all of his contamination, why haven't any of the machines or alerts gone off? 

While Langdon is not in attendance, the rest of the group is now having a blast while bobbing for apples. Wilhemina asks everyone to wait to eat their apples until the game is over and they all have one. The party-goers comply, all happily chowing down on the apples at the exact same time. What happens next is disgusting. Kind of like I mentioned Linda Blair before, these fools proceed to projectile vomit on each other. I begrudgingly watched this scene a few times to note who was in the room and while we only specifically see Timothy, Emily, Gallant, Dinah, Andre, and Mallory succumb to the poison, there were some of Matrix Miriam's henchmen and other members of Team Gray in the room holding apples at one point as well. After the foaming at the mouth and puking subsides, Wilhemina and a gun toting Matrix Miriam go in search of Coco and Langdon, not realizing Coco has already met her end and a tainted killer is inside the compound. 

Langdon is busy hanging out in his room doing work on the computer that doesn't seem to need a power source. He laughs when the ladies enter and threaten him. Wilhemina looks very smug when she signals "Ms. Mead" to fire her weapon. Nothing. She repeats, "Ms. Mead" with a bit more desperation but Matrix Miriam points the gun at her boss and shoots her instead. We then realize that Miriam is Langdon's robot. He had her designed in the image of someone from his childhood. Someone who took care of him. "I lost you and I couldn't bear it. I can't imagine a new world without you by my side - the only woman who ever really understood me." Constance? It has to be Constance, his grandmother, right? The apple plan was Langdon's as well and Miriam was programmed to relay the plan to Wilhemina. His entire visit was just to have the inhabitants of the outpost destroy one another. 

So Fair And Pale

The episode ends with a trio of women entering Outpost 3. The masquerade ball ballad playing in the background suddenly switches to The Rolling Stone's "She's a Rainbow" as Supreme Cordelia, Madison Montgomery, and Myrtle Snow spread out to find their "sisters." I feel like the last time I saw Myrtle she was being burned at the stake for a second time, but we know that death is seldom a permanent thing in the world of American Horror Story. These 3 witches find their 3 sisters and we see Coco, Mallory, and Dinah swiftly raised from the dead. Whoa! Coco is a witch? I had my hunch about Dinah after her interview with Langdon, but I didn't guess Coco's connection with the Coven. I assume payback with be a bitch for Brock when she tracks him down, but that doesn't happen tonight. The final exchange of the evening comes when Madison hovers over a very confused looking Mallory. She says to the former Team Gray member: "Surprise, bitch. I bet you thought you'd seen the last of me."

And there we have it. The majority of the characters we've been tolerating listening to for the past 2 weeks are dead, and for one brief shining moment, it looks as though the promised crossover is coming full steam ahead. Of course this turn leaves me with many questions. I had assumed Timothy and Emily's special genetic something that brought them to the outpost meant that they would end up repopulating the earth and stuff. I thought the whole Adam and Eve, forbidden fruit thing was a clear indication that the future lies with them, and yet they exchanged the same apple barf that everyone else did. Will they be resurrected as well or was their story-line pointless? Did Dinah's now departed son know she was a witch? Did he have powers too? Are we going to see him brought back as well? How do Madison and Mallory know one another? Was Mallory once Madison's assistant before moving on to help Coco's budding social media career? How did the Coven know these ladies were in Outpost 3? How many witches are still around if Langdon thinks he defeated all of them?

And speaking of the evil Willy Wonka, has Langdon been traveling from outpost to outpost encouraging the inhabitants to off one another? Does he have a Miriam type robot stationed at each one? Is he really looking for people to join him in his "new world" or is he just enjoying the chaos in between writing emails? And finally, was this really Halloween week or was Wilhemina bullshitting us on that one? Because if Halloween has come and gone....and no one else from Murder House showed up, I worry that we'll be waiting quite a while before we see the rest of the Langdon family or any of the Harmons.

AHS Apocalypse: The Morning After

For the folks tuning into Episode 2 of American Horror Story: Apocalypse thinking this would be the week of an explosive Coven/Murder House crossover...sad to say tonight is not the night. BUT we do kinda, sorta see another familiar face in this hour as the inhabitants of Outpost 3 find out a little more about Wilhemina and Matrix Miriam's motives and meet creepy ass Michael Langdon for the first time. Do they all survive this second week of the series? Do they once again become purple people eaters? Here's where we are after "The Morning After."

Dreams That Had Never Come True

We begin the hour with Emily in her underwear preparing for bed. This nightly routine is ruined by the appearance of snakes in her closet. Yes, snakes in a secure underground bunker. They must have traveled a long way...with creepy ass Michael Langdon perhaps? No matter. Matrix Miriam rushes in and announces the group now has some fresh protein as if this snake invasion is an okay thing that's happening. "This looks like some good eatin'!" When the group assembles for their next protein meal, the snakes are still alive slither out of the bowls. Really. WTF is going on in this place?

Team Purple then meets their creepy new guest and he introduces himself simply as Langdon from The Cooperative. He explains that the other outposts have been overrun and he is there to select people to transfer with him to a totally impenetrable sanctuary. Why the outposts weren't totally impenetrable is beyond me, but here we are. Langdon also mentions that those who are left behind will receive a suicide pill for their trouble, and he delivers these details like an evil Willy Wonka. 

"The suspense is terrible...
I hope it'll last."

Gallant volunteers as tribute, offering to be interviewed first, and before they even begin, Langdon says: "I'm not going to tell you what criteria I'm using to grade you. Things you may feel are helpful may be hurtful. Things you may feel will compel rejection may be exactly what I'm looking for. If you hedge, I will know. If you lie, I will know. And if you try to trick me, I will know and this interview will be over and you will die here. Painfully." He asks about Gallant's sexual orientation and Gallant is quick to confirm he is gay. He is also quick to confirm he hates his grandmother's guts. Weird that he went home during the missile threat to pick her up and bring her to safety. Gallant tells Langdon that Evie essentially wanted him to be more of a Queer Eye For the Straight Guy gay than the person he actually was. Instead he would rebel, showing up to fancy dinners in leather vests, blasting club music and such. "So, you like leather?" Langdon asks. HA! I have to wonder what kind of effort it took to get Evan Peters in the rubber suit in Murder House. Looked very uncomfortable. Gallant is looking to break the "no sex" rule right then and there, but Langdon abruptly ends the interview. 

Do The Things You Want To Do

As I sit here wondering what the hell any of this has to do with a promised Season 1 and Season 3 mashup, Gallant receives a visitor. It's the Rubber Man! I guess Langdon took a few things from the Murder House with him before the apocalypse. Good for him. Even though Langdon knows the no copulation rule is bogus, Gallant doesn't, and yet he is bent over and moans super loud anyway. So loud, in fact, that Evie pops her head in the door to see what all the commotion is about. If she wasn't pleased with Gallant's representation of the gay community before, she sure as hell can't be happy about the rubber being pounding her grandson with reckless abandon. Just sayin. Evie goes running off to tell Matrix Miriam about what she just witnessed, hoping that Gallant will be executed and give her better odds of making the cut to the sanctuary. 

Meanwhile, Langdon pays Wilhemina a visit and it's time for her interview. He immediately calls her  out on her fake rules and mind games but she's not intimidated. Wilhemina goes all "men have ruined the earth" on him (I guess she doesn't sense the evil Willy Wonka thing the way I do), but her balls of steel disappear when Langdon asks her to unzip her dress...revealing a spinal mess that causes her to use a cane...that I assumed was a just prop to make her look more badass. Bummer. Wilhemina is hoping this intimate discussion will get her into the supposed sanctuary, but Langdon tells her she has not made the cut just as Matrix Miriam bursts in to tell the boss lady there's been some unauthorized banging in the outpost. 

Speaking of unauthorized banging, Timothy and Emily use Langdon's late night visits to sneak into his room to look for clues as to who he really is. His laptop is half closed and they are able to...check his email? How is that even possible? There's wireless internet in the bunker? He has a mobile hotspot in the rubber suit? There's a technology center next to the decontamination room? Anywho, Langdon's emails reveal that Wilhemina is making shit up and her rules do not coincide with The Cooperative's instructions. They leave the room before Langdon returns (not really searching anywhere else for anything else) and as they are getting ready to depart, we see the Rubber Man just sort of chillin' on the ceiling. So wait, if the Rubber Man is, uh, stuck to the ceiling, and Langdon left the room looking like Langdon before these two arrived, who is in the suit?

I feel like Timothy and Emily have several options now that they know they are stuck in an outpost with a shady leader and an evil Willy Wonka that somehow sends and receives emails. Several options. But their first action item is to get it on since, you know, technically they are allowed to. And they aren't even that discreet about it. Matrix Miriam finds them in post coital snooze and drags them to Wilhemina because this bitch is still in charge and her rules stand. The youngins could have used this opportunity to tell the ladies what they found, but nah... better to whine about the punishment. 

Just To Spend Time With You

There's plenty of punishment to go around tonight as Wilhemina has Gallant chained up and tortured for information. She believes Gallant and Langdon knew each other before the apocalypse and are somehow out to get her. Gallant doesn't have anything to say to his captors and when they leave, Langdon enters. Gallant assumes his knight in rubber onesie is there to save him, but much to Gallant's disappointment, Langdon claims he was not his late night visitor. "I wouldn't fuck you if you were the last man on earth. And you almost are." Before he leaves the room, Langdon also informs Gallant that his grandmother is the one who turned him in. Ouch. And here I thought Gallant and Langdon were about to get creative with the torture instruments.... 

Gallant is released from the torture room and he ponders the state of things in the library. The Rubber Man appears and slowwwwwwly leads him to a bedroom. Gallant pushes the Rubber Man down on the bed (I didn't think the Rubber Man was the submissive type) and climbs on top of him. He then reaches for scissors that are for some reason right nearby, and he begins to slash the Rubber Man's abdomen while screaming "NOT IF I WERE THE LAST MAN ON EARTH?!" When the stabbing stops, Langdon peers in from the doorway. Gallant sees him and now realizes he hasn't murdered the man who rejected him. He looks back at the bed and realizes he has slaughtered his grandmother instead. RIP Evie. 

The violence is not quite over. It's time for Timothy and Emily to pay the price for boning even though there isn't supposed to be a boning ban. The duo is taken to the decontamination/execution room and before the young lovers meet their doom, Timothy grabs a gun from one of Matrix Miriam's henchmen and starts shooting. He hits Matrix Miriam and she stumbles into the next room to assess the damage. Funny thing though - Miriam puts her hand over the wound expecting blood and flesh (pretty sure we are all expecting that), but instead there's just a hole with some kind of non-blood fluid leaking out. She's a....robot? An alien? A Westworld host? A mannequin on the move? This shit is getting really weird. 

The episode ends there and I already miss Joan Collins. But if Langdon isn't in the rubber suit...is ghost Tate somehow in Outpost 3? Is the Rubber Man someone Langdon can just conjure because he's an evil Willy Wonka? Is he really there to take people to a more safe "safe zone" or is he there to manipulate the group into killing one another? We didn't see snakes until Langdon arrived. We didn't see the Rubber Man until Langdon arrived. No one hallucinated and killed their kin until Langdon arrived. If I wasn't promised a legit CROSSOVER, I would assume we were entering an And Then There Were None scenario. (Side note: Evie even refers to the rest of the purple people as the "Ten Little Indians" which is one of the book names And Then There Were None was based on. Neat!). But on the other hand, Kathy Bates' gooey non-blood wound is a curveball I was absolutely not expecting tonight. The Cooperative seems to have a whole lot of stuff going on...employing the anti-Christ, building a race of robots to enforce made up rules, shopping for the most fabulous purple clothes ever...they are busy bees. One thing's for sure though - if Miriam truly is a Westworld host on loan to Ryan Murphy, I'm not sure how productive my blog will be. Season 2 of that show was a total mind-fuck that I have not yet recovered from.  

AHS Apocalypse: The End

Welcome back! The new season of American Horror Story has arrived and Ryan Murphy has promised us a crossover with Murder House and Coven. When this hour is over, you may be wondering where the hell the crossover is, but if you watch and listen closely, we have a glimpse. Here's where we are after Apocalypse Episode 1: "The End."

Let's Keep On Looking For The Light

The season begins with aspiring Instagram influencer Coco St. Pierre Vanderbilt (Leslie Grossman) getting her hair did. Evan Peters plays Mr. Gallant and the duo are in the midst of making Coco fabulous when Coco's rich daddy Facetimes her. Nuclear warfare is afoot and the world is about to be wiped out. The people in the hair salon assume these reports are a hoax like the nonsense that happened in Hawaii last year, but this is the real deal. Coco's dad says it's too late for him and her mom in their current location but informs Coco that their family has paid for 4 spots in a guaranteed safe place. Just before the call cuts off, he tells Coco to get her ass to the Santa Monica airport. 

Coco calls her partner, Brock (Billy Eichner...these two are just as compatible as their Cult Meadow and Harrison characters) to tell him they have a ticket to safety, but Brock is way the hell on the other side of town so Coco ditches him and takes her personal assistant Mallory (yay Billie Lourd!), Gallant, and his grandmother Evie to fill the 4 spots in whatever safe salvation lies ahead. Evie, by the way, is played by Joan Collins, who could easily just be playing herself in this show. Anyway, somewhere in the mass hysteria growing around them, the foursome boards a private jet that they discover mid-flight is piloted by no one, and they off they go to the unknown safe zone. 

In another part of the city, not long before the missile alert, high school senior Timothy learns that he has just been accepted to UCLA. Woohoo! Dreams come true! He would soon be embarking on a great academic adventure if wasn't for the whole world coming to an end thing. Bummer. As his family hears the missile alert on TV and realizes shit is about to get real, the Men In Black employees of "The Cooperative" show up in an armored vehicle and take Timothy away from his family. Seems he has some sort of special genetic something that makes him valuable in the apocalypse. He is removed from his house by force as his family and the rest of the world are soon completely wiped out in a blaze comparable to most disaster movie blazes. 

If We Can Hold On Through The Night

Timothy is locked up with a girl named Emily, who also has a special genetic something. They are ushered past a man and woman on their knees, apologizing profusely before being shot to death (neat), and they go through some sort of decontamination chamber with the hazmat guys from E.T. before entering their new home. Sarah Paulson emerges from the shadows as Wilhemina Venable...not Cordelia Goode or Billie Dean Howard...and Wilhemina is in charge of this underground safe zone called Outpost 3. It looks like some sort of mansion but Wilhemina says it's a former boys school. Interesting. She references "The Cooperative" as the powers that be, and I'm thinking this has to be the Coven, but I get no confirmation on that tonight. She explains that Timothy and Emily will be in the purple group, the elite color level you want to be in apparently, and others will be in the gray group. They are the servants. I'm sensing some sort of Divergent thing here, but Wilhemina's rules continue on. Everyone dresses up for dinner, no one leaves the building, and no sex allowed without authorization. Apparently the two people who were shot outside had boned and had to be put down. Oh lordy. 

Timothy and Emily dress for dinner and meet the other purple inhabitants of Outpost 3 - The Coco foursome we were introduced to earlier (though Mallory is wearing gray), a TV personality named Dinah Stevens (Adina Porter), and two dudes named Stu and Andre, who I assume are dating. Each night the group listens to The Carpenters' "Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft" on repeat in the music room until they are called to the dinner table, and they complain about this as if beggars can be choosers when ballistic missiles have depleted the earth. Just sayin.' Finally this fabulous looking crew of ingrates begin to eat, and they complain about the lack of food and variety. Groan. We are then introduced to Miriam Mead and my first observation is: Kathy Bates...The Matrix has you. Miriam is carrying some sort of contraption that's telling her one of the purple people is contaminated. She grabs Gallant and Stu and puts them through a contamination chamber test, so Stu's boyfriend must be pisssssssed, and she discovers Stu is the contaminated party. Instead of cleansing him, she shoots him in the head. Holy shit! He must have had a paid spot ($100M a pop apparently) in the bunker and not the special genetic something. 

Dinner the following evening is surprisingly more robust and plentiful. The elite is eating stew and they are thrilled momentarily. Where did the chefs find the meat you ask? Yep. They served Team Purple a Stu stew. What's an apocalypse without a little cannibalism anyway, right? Though Wilhemina denies they are eating human flesh for dinner, Evie could care less. She thinks her meal is divine and full of fiber. I kind of love her. 

It's Not Too Late

As the purple party reassembles in the music room to discuss whether or not their leaders have served them Stu stew, the Carpenters song has now become "The Morning After" by Maureen McGovern. Sure, it's a hopeful tune...but it was made famous in The Poseidon Adventure, which is a movie about a cruise ship that flips upside down and less than a dozen people survive. Gallant believes this is a message that help is coming and they won't be in this situation forever, but then we cut to 18 months later where the same song is playing, the food rations are minimal, and these folks are beyond miserable. Well, everyone but Timothy and Emily who have a secret, mostly chaste romance.  

Behind closed doors we find out that Matrix Miriam (that's what I'm calling her) and Wilhemina are totally fucking with the inhabitants of Outpost 3. There was no contamination - these bitches killed Stu and fed him to the purples for the hell of it. They also play dress up in purple clothes and play cards when no one is watching. The Collective has no idea of these incidents and made up rules, but whoever they are, I'm sensing swift punishment for these sinister ladies if they find out. 

Almost on cue, "The End" closes with a stranger approaching the gates. He himself is cloaked and he arrives through the fog in a carriage drawn by dark horses. He is from The Cooperative, his name is Michael Langdon, and he is creepy. He tells the workers outside of the gates to tend to his animals, and he makes his way inside to meet with Wilhemina. Michael Langdon, you'll recall, is the name of the evil Antichrist child Jessica Lange's character, Constance Langdon, was raising at the end of Murder House...the child Vivien Harmon bore with ghost Tate Langdon...wearing the rubber suit. It was all very complicated. Anywho, Michael informs Wilhemina that other outposts are being overrun and he is there to determine which Outpost 3 inhabitants will be relocated to an impenetrable sanctuary. "I can take all of you, or none of you. Those who make it, live. Those who don't, end up like my horses." We then see Michael's horses shot and killed by the workers outside the gate. We also see their bodies dragged away into the trees by...something.  

The episode ends there...you read that right. If you're like me, you stared at the closing credits with a WTF?!? look on your face. You were looking for the ghosts of Murder House or the witches of Coven in this hour (at least Stevie Nicks for god's sake!), but instead got brand new characters and an appropriately eerie Michael Langdon instead. Sooo we're left wondering how this crossover will happen. If the ghosts of Murder House are tied to the house, is this outpost under what was the house? Will we only see them on Halloween? Could the outpost be under Ms. Robichaux's Academy from Coven? One can imagine the Supreme would have an end of the world survival plan in place, right? The way Michael Langdon rolled in, it made me think he was one of the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse. Perhaps Pestilence or Death? Could Wilhemina be Famine?  Is it possible The Collective is behind the nuclear missiles? Maybe I am way, way off. Time will tell...but the actors playing multiple characters thing is sure going to get interesting as the story rolls on. They all really do look pretty in purple though.  

TWD Season 8 Episode 16: Wrath

Tonight we reach the end of the season and the end of the All Out War on The Walking Dead and all I can say is...FINALLY. Though I can't tell you I understand the "whys" involved in what happened this hour, I'm at a point where I wanted to move on from this rivalry in just about any way possible. Who survived this final battle? Here's what went down in "Wrath."

All The Things That I Used To Say

The episode opens with a shot of Rick, back in his sheriff's deputy days, walking down a long road with a very young Carl. Hand in hand they look like they don't have a care in the world. Rick's voice-over says "I remember" and we cut back to present day in Hilltop where Rick is hanging out with baby Gracie. Siddiq enters the room with formula for the little one and Rick finally asks him what happened to Carl. Siddiq explains that Carl was helping him honor his mother by releasing the souls trapped in the undead. "He died paying respects to a woman he never knew. But it was dangerous. It was dangerous and I didn't think about that. I should've." Rick (genuinely) thanks Siddiq and heads out to start this last day of battle. 

As what's left of The Kingdom army prepares to fight, Henry's attitude seems to have changed and he's no longer in danger of becoming a mini-Morgan. He asks Carol to come back to The Kingdom with them once they win the war and gets a "maybe" in response. I dunno. Carol's cottage is pretty sweet. She should consider locking Morgan up in that cottage...dude flips out when he sees what I like to call the Hilltop Saviors entering the gates, and he almost attacks Henry in the process. Alden (the hot one) had asked Maggie if he and the other Saviors could clear the Walkers outside of the gates before everyone began heading out. I guess Morgan somehow thought these guys were staging a rebellion. Rick floats the idea of Morgan staying back at Hilltop, but Morgan insists on joining this final fight. He tells Rick: "We are worse than we were. Me and you. We are. Giving your word to those men back at the bar..." Yes, Morgan. There were a few things wrong with what you did at the bar. Morgan tells Rick they can't go back at this point. "So let's just finish this." 

All The Words That Got In The Way

We catch up with The Sanctuary now, where Dwight is donning Daryl's yellow sweatsuit. Negan wants Dwight loaded in one of the vehicles so he can witness Rick's group being slaughtered and right on cue, Eugene shows up and tells Negan the bullets are ready. He hands the boss man a handgun to test them out himself and Negan shoots up a target labeled "Rick." 

Negan chooses Laura, Eugene and Gabriel to ride in his car as the Saviors make their way to the final battle. Negan wants to "confess" to Gabriel before shit hits the fan. As part of the trap he's setting up for Rick, he admits to sacrificing a group of Saviors who think they are setting up a roadblock/Walker obstacle. Don't get me started on the blue-haired Savior or how that's a thing people would maintain in an apocalypse. Anyway, these guys are sitting ducks and Rick's group takes them out quickly. Morgan even slits the throat of a Savior who quickly surrenders and I'm wondering how he's going to bounce back from this thirst for blood. Jesus suggests that Morgan should use the pointy end of his stick for Walkers and the non-pointy end for people. What a mind-blowing idea that is. Morgan actually gives it a shot at one point.

As Negan is giving his confession to Gabriel, a Walker appears in the middle of the road and Laura has to swerve and slow down to avoid it. Personally I feel like their vehicle could have plowed right through the zombie with no problem, but nonetheless, Gabriel takes the opportunity to jump out of the moving car and blindly start running through the woods unarmed. My palm can't get to my forehead quick enough. Eugene catches up with him right away and holds a gun to his face. Okay Eugene. I've had about enough of you. I need someone to punch you in the face as soon as possible. Negan punches Gabriel in the gut instead and the priest is loaded right back into the car. On they go. 

All The Things That I Used To Know

We have an all-star group of Maggie, Rick, Michonne, Carol, Jesus, Morgan, Ezekiel, Jerry, Siddiq (why?) and Smokin' Hot Rosita heading to the location they believe Negan will be. They look over a clearing at one point and see a huge mass of Walkers in the distance. Rick notes that he's never seen a group quite that big before and says things are changing all around them. They get to another clearing and hear that familiar whistle...our heroes are out in the open and they are surrounded by Negan and his army who are standing up in the hills ready to fire. 

Meanwhile a large convoy of Saviors arrives at Hilltop and somehow Tara is the one left behind to lead the people there. She actually leads them into the woods rather than engage in a fight and Tara volunteers to stay behind to hold the Saviors off. Alden (the hot one) stays with her and the other Hilltop Saviors do the same. They are just about to shoot at the enemy Saviors approaching the gates when someone starts throwing....flaming liquor bottles at the enemy? Oceanside has arrived with Aaron! And they've brought fire bottles because Rick took all of their weapons last season! No seriously, Aaron has a gun and Cyndie has a gun. Everyone else has some sort of torch or burning something. THIS is the cavalry? Tara and the Hilltop Saviors couldn't have just shot those fools and called it a day? Good grief.   

Have Gone Out The Window

Negan has transitioned to a new magical walkie talkie and there's a fair amount of shit talking that I don't have the strength to recap because it's nothing new. Negan stands ready to blow Gabriel's head off and he gives the order for everyone to fire at the same time....then something strange happens. All of the guns backfire on the Saviors. So Eugene isn't completely an asshole after all! Our heroes take advantage of the situation right away and the majority of Negan's army surrenders. Somehow Rick and Negan end up off by themselves and another one on one fight ensues because why not? They are near the tree we've been seeing bloody Rick leaning against in a flash forward all season, and Negan does hit Rick in the gut with his bat, but Lucille is clean now for whatever reason so Rick is wounded but not done for. At this point Negan has ample opportunity to bash Rick while he's down on the ground, but he talks instead and Rick gets the upper hand for about 2 seconds. Negan has another opportunity to bash Rick...but then he talks some more. And then Rick talks. He asks Negan to give him 10 seconds "for Carl" and Negan agrees. Dude. Negan. I don't want you to win but damn you sure are missing your shot. As Rick talks about Carl's dying wish, Negan approaches Rick and hesitates, considering the peace Rick is proposing. Then Rick slits Negan's throat and I scream "WHAT THE HELL?!?" Rick! Seriously! Your "10 seconds for Carl" peace talk was bullshit too?!? God help me with this show. 

I assume, like many, that Negan is done and I'm wondering what the last 15 minutes of the episode will entail. Instead, Negan is lying on the ground holding his throat when our heroes and their prisoners arrive. Rick has another flashback of his pre-apocolypse walks with young Carl and then signals to Siddiq to save Negan. Huh? He follows that up by giving this grand speech, telling the prisoners to put their hands down because everyone is going to go home and live in peace and fairness. Rick points to that big mass of Walkers in the distance and says they have to stand together in this new world. "There has to be something after. All this...all this is just what was." Rick goes back to the tree, sits against it, and then does the "my mercy prevails over my wrath" thing that's been on repeat in Season 8. 

Maggie, by the way, loses her shit. Like, loooooses her shit. Michonne holds her back as she screams that it can't be over until Negan is dead...that he killed Glenn and they have to make it right. Maggie is breaking my heart, and I don't blame her one bit. She's "the widow" and the leader of a community, and we should really be beyond a Ricktatorship at this point. The terms of the All Out War surrender should have been discussed among the leaders rather than Rick slitting someone's throat and then deciding to regurgitate what Carl said on his deathbed and in his letter...as if these were new things that he himself came up with in that moment. Maggie had no reason to believe Negan wouldn't be executed, and she still (STILL) has those first trimester hormones that are not to be messed with. Also not to be messed with? Smokin' Hot Rosita who is still pretty pissed about Eugene's shenanigans. She has a really nice conversation with Eugene about how he sabotaged the bullets, but she does punch him in the face "for the puke." Honestly, this is my favorite part of the entire episode. 

The next time we see Negan he's alive and awake in the Alexandria infirmary. Rick and Michonne tell him they are going to keep him alive to show everyone that things have changed and all of the communities can exist peacefully. They do, however, intend to keep him in a cell forever...so that vision that Carl had of Negan becoming a farmer doesn't seem to be in the cards. Rick writes Carl a letter after his visit to Negan, letting him know that he remembers who he is, and that Carl has brought all of them to the new world. 

With no major character deaths, the season finale ends with some kinda/sorta cliffhangers that don't make sense to me. Morgan goes to the junkyard and tells Jadis she can join Rick in Alexandria to start rebuilding. She introduces herself as "Anne" and jumps at the opportunity (guess the helicopter was a one time deal?). Morgan, however, decides he's not going because he's cray. He'll just stay in the junkyard. Daryl, meanwhile, drives Dwight out into the woods as if he's going to kill him. Instead he hands Dwight the keys to the truck and tells him to go find his wife. And finally, everyone goes back to their respective communities (Carol even goes back to The Kingdom) and works together with a smile...except Maggie isn't smiling. The final scene in her Hilltop office has her telling Jesus that Rick and Michonne wrong not to kill Negan. "So we're gonna to bide our time. Wait for the right moment. And then we're gonna show them." Jesus smirks and nods and Daryl steps out of the shadows and says "Yeah, we will." 

When It's Over

So there are some things I'm still trying to wrap my head around....

Carl had to die so Rick would realize "there has to be something after," but Rick waited until he literally slit Negan's throat to then honor that deathbed promise that really could have just been...a promise? Did Carl really need to die? Couldn't he have tried to be his father's conscience through these last two battles? Negan liked him and hoped to make him a protege - he couldn't have gotten through to Negan? In the comics, Negan does survive the war but it's Carl that keeps him alive. I just don't get why the show writers got rid of the kid. 

And also, if Maggie was going to bring someone in on a "let's kill Negan anyway and stick it to Michonne and Rick" plan, why would she choose Jesus? This is the guy who wanted to keep everyone alive throughout this whole process...now he's smirking at the "we're gonna show them" plot twist? 

And also, when exactly did Eugene decide the grass was greener back with his old group? He had been terrified of Negan. He had become Phase I'm a Dick Eugene with his former comrades. He had shooed away rescue attempts from the community that embraced him even after he revealed he's a liar with bad hair on a fake mission to DC. So many people died in the time Dr. Smartypants became an all obeying Savior...but now suddenly in between mac n' cheese, Smokin' Hot Rosita's verbal bashing, and Gabriel's tears....now is the time to sabotage Negan's plan?  

And also, Morgan is all kinds of screwed up, so the solution is for him to hang out by himself in the junkyard in Jadis/Anne's little IKEA inspired apartment? Did she at least leave him a flannel? Will his dead people visions fade away amongst the garbage? 

And also we've been listening to Daryl bitch for weeks about how he should have killed Dwight already and how he should kill Dwight now. It's been almost as tiring as Rick's repetitive "I'm gonna kill you" empty threat to Negan. So when all was said and done, he let Dwight go...and then went back to Hilltop to be pissed that Rick didn't kill Negan? It's a head scratcher. 

And finally, can we talk about Oceanside and the Super Mario Kart weapons they showed up with for 15 seconds in this episode? I mean, we endured HOW much Tara in that community? And we endured HOW much extra Enid time? And then we endured cutaways last week to Aaron's forest hunger strike, only to have Oceanside kinda, sorta, help out? I thought those ladies would end up being the freaking cavalry that would save the day with all of the time we've invested. I sure hope they contribute more in Season 9.  

Sigh. I've read a few things about how Season 9 will kick off. I've read that there might be a time jump to show where the communities are with ideas and plans from Georgie's "The Key To the Future." In this time jump I assume Maggie might be wearing clothes scavenged from the maternity section of abandoned stores. I've also read that the show runners might skip over the next story line in the comics completely (no spoilers until we no for sure), which might make sense given there is no Carl. Will the various communities move forward together and get along now? Will Negan stay safely confined for long? Are Maggie and company really going to become the new "conflict" on this show? Are we going to resume The Walking Dead with Rip Van Rick and that inexplicable beard? We'll see what happens when the show returns in the fall. For now though, I'm going to go back and watch Smokin' Hot Rosita punch Eugene a few more times. 

TWD Season 8 Episode 15: Worth

Tonight's episode of The Walking Dead brings us a character death that we've been waiting for (no, not that one), takes us to tree-hugging Aaron in Oceanside, and finally reveals what Carl wrote to his dad with the very best of intentions. Negan's return home does not disappoint and the hour takes some twists and turns that I was not expecting. Here's what went down in "Worth."

Go On And Take A Bow
The episode opens with Rick sitting outside, watching Judith play (I love it when someone is actually watching Judith) and reading Carl's letter. I did not realize until tonight how lengthy it is. Did the show runners really make Chandler Riggs write these letters himself before he left? That's a huge bag of salt being rubbed in the "we're killing off your character" wound. Anyway, we hear Carl's voice as he shares memories from his 8th birthday, school, going to the movies, summer barbecues, and Friday night pizza. Carl says he always felt safe with his dad and had an idea of how he thought life would be when he grew up...before the apocalypse that is. Now he realizes: "Growing up is making yourself and the people you love safe, as safe as you can, because things happen. They happened before. You were shot before things went bad. It felt like things went bad when you were shot. I want to make you feel safe, Dad. I want you to feel like I felt when you held my hand - just to feel that way for 5 minutes. I'd give anything to make you feel that way now." Carl talks about how there are regular people working in the Sanctuary and they can be part of the big world that keeps changing. They deserve life and a way out. Carl tells his dad that he has to make peace with Negan so every life is worth something and everyone can feel safe.

Rick finishes the letter and sees Michonne and Judith walking back into the house together. This is the future he's fighting for now. Rick nods to them and I wonder if he's seriously thinking, even just for a moment, about what Carl is trying to tell him and what he should do with that. The next letter we see is Negan's...and Michonne is holding it when the opening music starts.

You Look So Dumb Right Now
Aaron is still lurking in the woods outside of the Oceanside community and the ladies find him passed out in the mud after putting down a bunch of Walkers. He's weak, given he hasn't eaten or really had much water...because I guess he and Enid didn't pack supplies for their unapproved side mission? Aaron wakes and finds himself surrounded by the familiar Oceanside faces. He makes one more plea for them to join in the fight, but we do not find out their answer in this episode.

We visit the Sanctuary now where Dumbass Gregory is trying to make amends with Simon. He also wants to make things right with Negan and Simon notifies him that he himself is running the show. Simon's suck up game accelerates and he offers up his services to help manage things and navigate through the "politics" of Simon's new reign. When Simon dismisses him, Gregory finally grows some balls and he's appointed to the prestigious position of...coffee maker.

Dwight is outside the compound on a smoke break when Negan returns home. He asks Dwight the normal "do you remember who you are?" nonsense and Dwight replies that he is still "Negan" of course. Dwight explains that he followed Simon's orders because Simon is the Number 2 man of the Saviors. Dwight remains an awful liar and Negan heads into the building to confront his Number 2. Simon apologizes to Negan for turning the punishment mission into an extermination mission and asks for a chance to make it up to him. Negan talks about how ruthless Simon has been in the past and mentions a community where Simon killed all of the men and boys...which I assume is Oceanside, or what is now Oceanside. He asks Simon to get down on his knees and I'm thinking "Woohoo! This is it!" Instead of bashing Simon's head with Lucille though, Negan tells him all is forgiven. What. The. Hell. Negan then reveals a map to Simon and his lieutenants and explains the next attack on Hilltop, which will be done with the bullets Eugene is making.  So, this has gone back to an extermination? That's got to be a fake plan, right? What happened to people being valuable resources?

Dwight takes the map to his room and makes a copy to send to the Hilltopians along with a warning. Simon knocks on his door and tries to plan a mutiny with Dwight and other "like minded" Saviors. Because Dwight doesn't know which way is up at this point, he says he's on board with Simon. 

You Put On Quite A Show
Daryl and Smokin' Hot Rosita prepare to raid Eugene's outpost while the mullet man is busy eating mac n' cheese and inspecting the progress of Negan's bullet order. Gabriel is still sick as shit but also still alive and kicking. Turns out his bullets are duds and he has been making them that way on purpose. "I don't want any of my people to die." Eugene dismisses him from the assembly line and walks outside just in time for Daryl and Smokin' Hot Rosita to take out his guards and kidnap him.

As the trio walks down the middle of the road in plain sight in broad daylight with the Saviors' probably already on their trail, Eugene begins one of his nerdy narratives about the way things were and how they are now. Daryl threatens him with his crossbow and Smokin' Hot Rosita breaks it up, but she also tells Eugene to keep his mouth shut. Eugene reminds her that when he told Negan he was the bullet maker after her failed attempt to kill Negan, he was speaking up to save her life. Eugene assumed he would be killed with his admission but instead he had a new chance at a life. The mullet man goes on to blame Rick for what's happened and Smokin' Hot Rosita puts her gun to Eugene's chin. She tells him they are going to keep him alive in a dark hole and only let him out when they need him to teach them how to do something. Ouch. No need to even ask if there will be wine involved, Dr. Smartypants.

A group of Walkers approaches and Daryl goes off to handle them solo so his partner can keep an eye on Eugene....who then does something I did not see coming at all. Eugene puts two of his fingers down his throat and then vomits all over (the still) Smokin' Hot Rosita. Then he runs as another group of Walkers approaches. She has to deal with them or die, so Eugene does escape his captors and returns safely to his outpost. He is notified that Negan is back home and needs all of the bullets ready for the following day's attack. Eugene is more than motivated to make that happen. My main question here is - are Daryl and Smokin' Hot Rosita currently taking turns kicking each other for losing Eugene? Of all the people they have captured over the years (or even during Maggie's 2 year first trimester), Eugene runs away easily? Escape through vomit? Freedom via puke? Breakout by barf? You get the picture.

How Bout A Round Of Applause?

The "like minded" group of Saviors as well as Dumbass Gregory meet outside the compound and Simon talks about killing Negan. He wants it to be quick and respectful and offers the honor to Dwight, who stays silent. Simon then announces step 2 in the takeover, which will indeed be wiping out all of Hilltop. We then hear that familiar whistle once again and Negan arrives. Of course Dwight ratted out Simon and to my complete disbelief, Simon looks surprised. A series of gunshots from Negan's loyalists take out the other traitors, with the exception of Dumbass Gregory, and now Simon has to face his fate. I assume Negan is going to bash his head in, but he instead offers Simon a one-on-one fight to the death. Well hell, Negan's been practicing this with Rick for weeks so he should automatically have the upper hand, right?

The fight to the death takes place in front of everyone in the Sanctuary. In the chaos, Dwight hands his map copy and car keys to Dumbass Gregory and tells him his only shot at safety now is to go back to Hilltop and tell Rick what's happening. I still don't understand why he's alive, but Dumbass Gregory bolts (and finds himself back in the prisoner pen when he arrives at Hilltop) just as Negan does win the fight against Simon. Negan chokes the guy to death and I clap very loudly from my couch. So long, asshole. But the show actually isn't over. As Dwight walks through the halls with Negan after the fight, Negan promotes Dwight to his Number 2. What Dwight doesn't count on is walking back into his room to find Laura sitting there...Laura who knows Dwight is a traitor....Laura who was the hidden person Negan picked up on the side of the road last week. Negan's Hilltop plan is indeed a fake plan. He knew Dwight would warn Hilltop and now Rick and company will be walking into a trap. Dwight, you are SO screwed. Negan calls Dwight a lot of names but says he's not going to kill Dwight because he has bigger plans for him. 

"Worth" ends with Walker Simon chained to the fence outside the Sanctuary and Negan proudly looking on. Michonne calls him on the magic walkie talkie and reads him the letter Carl wrote for him. Carl's words to Negan are thoughtful as he asks Negan to consider an alternate way out of the war that doesn't involve one side annihilating the other. He tells Negan that even if he beats Rick's group, there will just be someone else to beat later (kinda like the 8 seasons of this show, kid), and he encourages forgiveness. "It's believing that it doesn't have to be a fight anymore, because it doesn't. I hope my dad offers you peace. I hope you take it. I hope everything can change. It did for me. Start over. You still can." Negan listens closely to this message but then tells Michonne he wouldn't accept their groups' surrender even if they showed up on their knees. He explains that he plans to start over by killing every one of them. Negan then says, "no more talk" and smashes the magical walkie talkie.

Well kids, there's only one episode left this season and only one more opportunity to see if the Rick/Negan dialogue changes, if there's a Rick/Negan fight that doesn't end with one of them disappearing with no resolution, or if a miraculous truce between the two sides happens after all. And as much as I groaned when the camera cut to Aaron, I have to assume we'll see Oceanside be useful next week. But will Dwight or at least the other half of his face end up as a casualty? Will Gabriel die some sort of hero's death in the bullet delivery? Will Morgan survive the hour now that we know his character is heading to Fear the Walking Dead? We only have a short time to find out...but for now, I am seriously craving some mac n' cheese.