AHS Asylum: I Need an Old Priest and a Young Priest

I’m not sure why I thought episode 2 of AHS would open with something other than a screaming Jenna Dewan-Tatum staring into Bloody Face’s…well, bloody face, but that’s exactly where we begin. When we last left her character, Teresa, she was frantically searching through present day Briarcliff for a way to get help for her new hubby Leo, who is currently bleeding out elsewhere in the asylum. Instead of help though, she encounters Bloody Face who chases her back to Leo. She tries for a hot second to pull Leo away from the approaching killer and then promptly ditches his ass to get herself behind a metal door.  Bloody Face clearly doesn’t want Leo to go through life with only one arm, so he(?) proceeds to stab Leo repeatedly.

 

Speaking of people who are only looking out for number 1, we go back to October 30, 1964 now where Wendy sits with friends feeling terrible about committing her lady love to the nuthouse. Realizing that she made a mistake, she vows to shower and get a good night’s sleep and break Lana out tomorrow. Yes Wendy – please make sure to bathe and rest up before visiting Lana in the filthy dungeon she is currently terrorized in. As she prepares to bathe, I wonder if we are going to get a repeat of the shower scene from Psycho, but alas, it seems Wendy just left all of her windows open….which is what people do when local women have been skinned alive and crazy nuns visit your house to threaten you. Regardless, Wendy just smoked her last joint and took her last shower. Bloody Face (clearly not Kit Walker) steps out from the shadows and kills her.

The following morning, the patients at Briarcliff are going through a room search. Shelley calls down the hall to Sister Jude “I have a cucumber in my room, but not because I was hungry.” Heh. I like her. Lana tries to conceal a journal she has been keeping but Sister Jude takes care of that immediately. Realizing that Lana is going to be a problem patient, Sister Jude consults Dr. Arden and the possibilities of electro shock therapy. The following scene that silences Lana is disturbing, but is performed by incredibly well by the actors. I’m interested to see what kind of impact the shocks to Lana’s brain have on her…and her memory of Briarcliff’s molasses bread.

Also in his own personal hell this morning is Kit, who is meeting the shrink of the day, Dr. Oliver Thredson (last season’s Zachary Quinto), for the first time. Kit goes into the session knowing he is screwed: if Dr. Thredson finds him fit for trial, then he will be convicted of murder…if Dr. Thredson finds him insane, then he rots at Briarcliff for the rest of his days. He proceeds to tell his story about the men from outer space taking Alma, and the body presumed to be hers is not because she is alive, you know, with the aliens. Thredson is quick to diagnose insanity.

Fresh off the fryer, Lana observes Grace and Kit trying to plan an escape from Briarcliff, and she approaches Grace later on about planning their own getaway without Kit. Grace indicates she will not be leaving Kit behind, and Lana goes on and on about being betrayed by the one person she loves most. No worries, Lana – Wendy is dead, so there’s nothing for you on the outside anyway.

Meanwhile, Sister Mary Eunice makes her first appearance of the episode as she is off once again to feed the beasts lurking in the woods. Dr. Arden sneaks up on her to check her progress but he still won’t tell her what the creatures are - my mind goes to “those who we do not speak of." Instead, he offers her a candied apple (from the bakery?), but nuns aren’t supposed to indulge in such pleasantries. He insists, practically forcing her to take a bite…and boy does she. Wonder what she would do with Shelley’s cucumber?

Inside the asylum, Dr. Thredson introduces himself to Sister Jude. He is quite appalled at the conditions and “treatment” administered at the facility, but she is having none of that.  She has to set Kit and the aliens aside for the moment because there are more important things going on….namely the exorcism of poor Jed Potter. Yup, why not follow up the anal probe in episode 1 with a demonically possessed teenager in episode 2? Jed is 17 years old and has exhibited some strange behavior on his parents’ farm. One might think he is just dealing with the struggles of becoming a man, except for the part where he speaks in tongues and gnaws through the belly of the Potters’ best cow naked. Boys will be boys.  Dr. Thredson hopes for a more therapeutic remedy, but Sister Jude knows what is needed.

 

Elsewhere, Shelley offers to let Dr. Arden see her candied apple in exchange for seeing five minutes of sunshine. She may easily be my favorite character so far, but where is young Moira when I need her? Dr. Arden is apparently not interested in her (“whores get nothing”), but Shelley maintains that she is just into pleasure….so much so that she treated herself to 2 Navy guys during fleet week. Her husband, predictably, was outraged and committed her to Briarcliff. I’m glad we got a back story on her, and for her sake, I’m glad Dr. Arden kept his cucumber in his pants….for now…

 

Dr. Creepy has summoned a prostitute, though he is disgusted by whores? He has prepared a fancy dinner and is looking to keep things elegant and romantic, but his lady friend apparently did not get the memo. Her wicked tongue gets her in trouble, and though he attempts to discuss classical music and fine wine, she offers to “shake it” for him. And now, my dear prostitute, you have surpassed Lana on the stupidity scale. He sends her to wash off her makeup and put on a nun’s outfit, making her look eerily like Sister Mary Eunice. She opens a box on the dresser to find some erotic magazines…followed by some pictures of women tied up on a bed….followed by some dead women. Uh-oh. Nice knowing you, lady. Arden finds her, tells her to lie on the bed and expose herself. He makes ready to ravage her, and she bites his arm, knees him in the cucumber, and runs for her life.

 

Getting back to Jed, Sister Jude and the Monsignor (or Father Hotness as I have decided to call him) have called in an expert, Father Malachi, to perform the exorcism. I’m assuming his wheelchair is key in helping him cast out evil. Sister Jude is initially sent to sit with Jed’s parents, but she makes her way back into the room as Thredson, Father Malachi and Father Hotness take a break from the demonic beatings they are receiving. The demon calls Sister Jude out on her scandalous past.

We flash back to a time when Sister Jude was just Judy, and she rocked a red dress and sang in a club filled with soldiers, some of whom she seemed to know quite well. That red undergarment she wears with her holy robes makes more sense now. It gets better though – as Judy drove home drunk from the club that evening, she ran over (more like ran straight through) a girl crossing the road and flees the scene. Soooooo, Sister Jude is a former harlot and accidental killer? The plot thickens.

Jed’s lifeline is fading fast with Father Hotness re-entering the room to speak all that is holy and Dr. Thredson joins in to administer medicine (Father Malachi seems to be down for the count). Sister Jude and Sister Mary Eunice stand by as the demon leaves Jed’s body, taking Jed’s life in the process…Sister Mary Eunice faints in the doorway.

The exorcism causes a power outage in Briarcliff. Escape time. Lana and Grace hurry through the death chute and Kit follows. Lana, still believing Kit is a psycho murderer, tells him he must stay behind. Bitch, if he were a psycho murderer, now would be the perfect time for him to kill you. Grace grabs Kit and vows to find another way out for the two of them. Lana now makes it to the top of my “I hope she dies next” list by blowing the whistle on Kit and Grace instead of just escaping.

Seemingly unnerved by his failed date with the prostitute (did she escape, or did he catch up to her and kill her?), Dr. Creepy visits a sleeping Sister Mary Eunice. She is exposing some skin in her slumber, and she awakens to find Arden covering her up. She then subtly flirts with him. Ew. I assume at this point she is possessed as well, and I am confident in this thought as the crucifix on the wall of her room shakes as she throws off the covers again.

In Sister Jude’s office, Stupid Lana (which is now her name) is “rewarded” for being a tattle-tale by choosing the weapon Sister Jude will cane Kit and Grace with. She really doesn’t have as tough of a time doing this as she should. Kit offers to take all of the lashes himself, and the episode ends with Stupid Lana staring at Kit’s beating while Grace glares and Stupid Lana.

Items of note – obviously with an exorcism episode there is bound to be some religious symbolism. Dr. Arden compelling Sister Mary Eunice to eat the candied apple has to be a reference to the serpent in the Garden of Eden. Sister Jude assigns Kit 40 lashes…which is an interesting choice of number given the 39 lashes Christ received before his crucifixion. She then calls him “Sir Galahad” for his sacrifice, a knight known for his valor and purity in the Arthurian legends. Father Malachi’s name jumped out at me because of a character in Children of the Corn which was the first horror movie to almost literally scare the shit out of me (I was 5, but it’s still a pretty chilling movie). However, Malachi is also the name of a Jewish prophet in the Hebrew Bible. Just some food for thought.

AHS Asylum: Stairway to Heaven?

Season 2 of American Horror Story begins present day with young newlyweds approaching an ominous looking building with great excitement. Seems Adam Levine and Channing Tatum’s wife have been cast as Leo and Teresa - two lovebirds who are spending their honeymoon traveling to the most haunted places in America to, um, consummate their marriage in each. Makes sense…nothing says “happily ever after” like getting it on in a decaying former asylum where 46,000 people (so far) have died. Maybe this is why I’m still single.

Welcome to Briarcliff Manor, built in 1908 as the largest tuberculosis ward on the east coast before being converted to a sanitarium 1962 by the Catholic Church. Teresa tells us Briarcliff housed a famous serial killer known as Bloody Face. I anticipate learning more about said killer, but first, Leo discovers a rusty table with straps, so we have to take a break from fact sharing so Leo can tie Teresa down and begin his own version of shock therapy on her. Hey, I’m okay with this. A noise interrupts the table rocking, however, and the two begin to make their way out of the asylum. They stop at a door and Leo pretends to have his have his arm grabbed through the slot in the lower half of the door. Hilarious! So, we know what’s coming right? Yup – in the process of trying to use his fancy cell phone to determine what is on the other side of the door, someone/something then rips the poor dude’s arm right off. My first thought is…perhaps he should have just stuck to the payphone…

Now we move to 1964 where Kit Walker (played by last year’s “rubber man,” Evan Peters) is closing up shop at the local gas station while singing along to “There Goes My Baby.” Foreshadowing?  Some 1960s hooligans show up dropping racial slurs and teasing Kit about his “maid.” He goes home to his wife, Alma, who is indeed African-American. We’re at a point in history where this marriage is not okay, so these young lovers have to hide their union. Kit is eager to spread the news – well, Kit is eager to do a few things, and as he sits in bed in his tighty whiteys as Alma tries her hand at round 2 of making dinner, he hears a commotion outside. Is it the same ruffians who hassled him earlier? If the ruffians are coming down from the sky in a blinding light that takes away gravity, then sure. My friends, it appears this season we have aliens on American Horror Story. No sign of Alma anywhere, but something strange is definitely happening to Kit.

Meanwhile, budding journalist Lana Winters (played by last season’s Sarah Paulson) is trying to gain access to Briarcliff Manor to do a story on Briarcliff’s bakery. Wait, what? I’m confused for a few reasons: 1) Does Briarcliff have a separate on-the-side baking business? 2) Do people actually BUY goods from an asylum bakery? 3) Did Lana really think this was going to work? The answer to the latter is apparently so, because she allowed on the grounds to be greeted by Sister Mary Eunice (season 1 alum Lily Rabe) and Pepper, a curious looking patient who drowned her sister’s baby and cut his ears off.  Well okay then.

Once inside Briarcliff (I guess you have to go completely through the sanitarium to get to the bakery?), Sister Mary Eunice takes Lana up a winding staircase which has become known as the “stairway to Heaven” courtesy of Sister Jude, whose entrance I’m assuming is coming soon. This is an interesting choice of words since the song, “Stairway to Heaven” wouldn’t be released until 1971, so this stairway must be more of a reference to Jacob’s Ladder.

Anywho, Sister Mary Eunice takes Lana to JESSICA LANGE!!!...I mean, Sister Jude, who is busy shaving the head of another patient, Shelley (Big Love’s Chloe Sevigny), who is being incarcerated as a nymphomaniac.  Seriously? There are worse things. Just sayin. Sister Jude dismisses Shelley to talk to Lana about the molasses bread from the bakery. Wow. So, there’s an actual bakery. Where? In the death chute? Sister Jude apparently came up with the idea for the bakery based on the Monsignor’s mantra of productivity, prayer and purification. Lana is just about to get a tour of the bakery, and I’m actually looking forward to seeing the bakery at this point too, when Sister Mary Eunice bursts through the door to tell Sister Jude that Bloody Face has arrived. Lana completely blows it by asking to meet the killer. Duh, Lana. You should have just taken the tour.

Bloody Face, we learn, is a killer who skins and decapitates women, and he has been admitted to Briarcliff until he is fit to stand trial. Everyone stares out the doors and windows in anticipation as Kit Walker gets out the car and is escorted in the building. Wait, how is Kit also Bloody Face? Sister Jude “welcomes” him, telling him that he will repent for his crimes to the only judge that matters, and she scoffs at his story regarding little green men. Apparently Alma is among the beheaded victims. Sister Jude taunts Kit by mentioning Alma’s “dark meat,” he spits at her, and she canes his ass like her life depends on it.

An undoubtedly swollen Kit wanders miserably through the common area, meeting other patients and learning the rules of Briarcliff. After Shelley offers her…friendship…he encounters Grace, a young woman accused of chopping up her family, who claims not to be crazy, and Spivey (played by Mr. Kelly Ripa), who picks a fight with Kit immediately. Sister Jude breaks up the fight and Kit continues his tour as a human punching bag by taking a baton to the face. Have I mentioned that Sister Jude is batshit crazy?

At this point in the episode I’m thinking we are in for one hell of a ride with Jessica Lange as this season’s villain, but it would be silly to stop there. Meet Dr. Arthur Arden, who is Briarcliff’s chief physician. Played by James Cromwell, you know - the farmer from Babe, Dr. Arden seems to conduct experiments on the patients that cause their untimely demise. Sister Jude is not a fan, and this guy is beyond creepy.

Remember Lana? I barely do, but she resurfaces in the home she shares with her girlfriend Wendy. That’s right, she’s also hiding a secret. As the two prepare to have dinner (and some other things), Lana reveals her plan to get back into Briarcliff to write a ground-breaking story about Bloody Face and prove herself as a journalist and not just the girl who writes the cooking column. So, she doesn't care about that molasses bread after all.

Back at Briarcliff, Sister Jude has also prepared dinner, wearing a hot little red negligee under her nun garb. Yup, this is really starting to get weird. She dines now with Monsignor Timothy Howard, and…..helloooooo Joseph Fiennes! Oh Joseph, you were my everything for several years after Shakespeare in Love….right up until the time I thought Killing Me Softly would destroy your career forever.  Anyway, the Monsignor chats with Sister Jude about the path forward for Briarcliff. She claims Dr. Arden is not a man of God and she is immediately scolded as she is not equipped to judge a man’s Godliness. Ouch. Lucky for Sister Jude, she has a dirty mind and she can fantasize about stripping down mounting the Monsignor while he verbally puts her in her place.   

Outside the building, Sister Mary Eunice is walking around with meat looking to feed some creatures that lurk beyond the walls. What are they? More of Dr. Arden’s failed experiments? We don’t even get a glimpse because Lana pops up just then and finds her way back into Briarcliff by hustling away from the creatures with Mary Eunice. That’s twice for her now – I can’t believe how easy it is to get in this place.

We jump to the present day with poor Leo who is one limb short and bleeding all over his freak wife. Teresa runs to get help, but surpriiiiiiiiise, the door they came in is now chained and locked from the inside. She tries another direction (through the death chute?) and we fade back into 1964.….

…..The table Leo had so loving strapped Teresa to now holds Kit Walker, who is meeting Dr. Arden for the first time. Dr. Arden explains that victims of Bloody Face were found naked and the skinning occurred while they were still breathing. During this narrative, Kit has a flashback to his alien abduction, which seems to have included an anal probe. Ew. Dr. Arden then cuts open a lump on the side of Kit’s neck, and pulls out a chip of some sort…. Which then grows legs and runs away. Yes, that just happened.

Were you wondering about Lana? Oh she’s just roaming the halls of Briarcliff by herself thinking God knows what, when she opens the door slot to an unknown room and is knocked out by a mysterious arm. Dummy. I’m sorry…I’m all for journalistic freedom, but I can’t root for someone who is acting a fool. And Lana isn’t going anywhere anytime soon either. You see, Sister Jude paid a visit to Wendy and gave Wendy an ultimatum: either Wendy commits Lana to Briarcliff or Sister Jude outs them as lesbians. Point. Set. Match.

 

Back to poor Teresa running down the death chute – will she find a way out? Of course not. She runs directly into Bloody Face instead, and we’ve reached the end of episode 1.

So, there is a lot to be processed at this point. We’ve met many characters right off the bat, encountered aliens, and watched Maroon 5’s front man lose the arm he uses to select his team on The Voice. I’m not a huge fan of the extraterrestrial storyline, but as long Will Smith is not featured as a guest star this season, I’m open to space men in the asylum. One thing is certain: I cannot wait to see how the season unfolds.

American Horror Story

Last year when FX advertised a new show that promised to terrify audiences, starring Dylan McDermott, featuring a “family just moved across the country into a haunted house” format, and created by Ryan Murphy of Glee fame, my palms went to my forehead in agony. I figured the actual terror would come from this haphazard combination of elements merged into one series. By the end of the first episode of American Horror Story, however, I was obsessed and stalking AHS forums wanting spoilers, opinions, snippets of interviews with Mr. Murphy - any info I could get! I found the writing to be brilliant, the acting far surpassing my expectations (annnnnd the Emmy goes to Jessica Lange), and the “horror” elements absolutely delivered.  As each week passed, I badgered my AHS friends, wanting them to analyze the plot developments and expressing disappointment when they may have been an episode or two (in some cases several) behind. I may have overreacted a little...

When the Season 1 finale aired on December 21^st and Ryan Murphy announced that each season of AHS would tell a completely different story, I was greatly relieved as it would have been quite difficult to proceed with the initial story given 99% of those characters were dead at that point. Imagine my excitement when Mr. Murphy also announced that several actors would be returning to play all new characters in Season 2! Jessica Lange and Frances Conroy were the highlights of each episode for me, and Evan Peters and Lily Rabe grew on me as well. I can’t wait to see this new story unfold and hope this season tops the first.