AHS Asylum: Stairway to Heaven?

Season 2 of American Horror Story begins present day with young newlyweds approaching an ominous looking building with great excitement. Seems Adam Levine and Channing Tatum’s wife have been cast as Leo and Teresa - two lovebirds who are spending their honeymoon traveling to the most haunted places in America to, um, consummate their marriage in each. Makes sense…nothing says “happily ever after” like getting it on in a decaying former asylum where 46,000 people (so far) have died. Maybe this is why I’m still single.

Welcome to Briarcliff Manor, built in 1908 as the largest tuberculosis ward on the east coast before being converted to a sanitarium 1962 by the Catholic Church. Teresa tells us Briarcliff housed a famous serial killer known as Bloody Face. I anticipate learning more about said killer, but first, Leo discovers a rusty table with straps, so we have to take a break from fact sharing so Leo can tie Teresa down and begin his own version of shock therapy on her. Hey, I’m okay with this. A noise interrupts the table rocking, however, and the two begin to make their way out of the asylum. They stop at a door and Leo pretends to have his have his arm grabbed through the slot in the lower half of the door. Hilarious! So, we know what’s coming right? Yup – in the process of trying to use his fancy cell phone to determine what is on the other side of the door, someone/something then rips the poor dude’s arm right off. My first thought is…perhaps he should have just stuck to the payphone…

Now we move to 1964 where Kit Walker (played by last year’s “rubber man,” Evan Peters) is closing up shop at the local gas station while singing along to “There Goes My Baby.” Foreshadowing?  Some 1960s hooligans show up dropping racial slurs and teasing Kit about his “maid.” He goes home to his wife, Alma, who is indeed African-American. We’re at a point in history where this marriage is not okay, so these young lovers have to hide their union. Kit is eager to spread the news – well, Kit is eager to do a few things, and as he sits in bed in his tighty whiteys as Alma tries her hand at round 2 of making dinner, he hears a commotion outside. Is it the same ruffians who hassled him earlier? If the ruffians are coming down from the sky in a blinding light that takes away gravity, then sure. My friends, it appears this season we have aliens on American Horror Story. No sign of Alma anywhere, but something strange is definitely happening to Kit.

Meanwhile, budding journalist Lana Winters (played by last season’s Sarah Paulson) is trying to gain access to Briarcliff Manor to do a story on Briarcliff’s bakery. Wait, what? I’m confused for a few reasons: 1) Does Briarcliff have a separate on-the-side baking business? 2) Do people actually BUY goods from an asylum bakery? 3) Did Lana really think this was going to work? The answer to the latter is apparently so, because she allowed on the grounds to be greeted by Sister Mary Eunice (season 1 alum Lily Rabe) and Pepper, a curious looking patient who drowned her sister’s baby and cut his ears off.  Well okay then.

Once inside Briarcliff (I guess you have to go completely through the sanitarium to get to the bakery?), Sister Mary Eunice takes Lana up a winding staircase which has become known as the “stairway to Heaven” courtesy of Sister Jude, whose entrance I’m assuming is coming soon. This is an interesting choice of words since the song, “Stairway to Heaven” wouldn’t be released until 1971, so this stairway must be more of a reference to Jacob’s Ladder.

Anywho, Sister Mary Eunice takes Lana to JESSICA LANGE!!!...I mean, Sister Jude, who is busy shaving the head of another patient, Shelley (Big Love’s Chloe Sevigny), who is being incarcerated as a nymphomaniac.  Seriously? There are worse things. Just sayin. Sister Jude dismisses Shelley to talk to Lana about the molasses bread from the bakery. Wow. So, there’s an actual bakery. Where? In the death chute? Sister Jude apparently came up with the idea for the bakery based on the Monsignor’s mantra of productivity, prayer and purification. Lana is just about to get a tour of the bakery, and I’m actually looking forward to seeing the bakery at this point too, when Sister Mary Eunice bursts through the door to tell Sister Jude that Bloody Face has arrived. Lana completely blows it by asking to meet the killer. Duh, Lana. You should have just taken the tour.

Bloody Face, we learn, is a killer who skins and decapitates women, and he has been admitted to Briarcliff until he is fit to stand trial. Everyone stares out the doors and windows in anticipation as Kit Walker gets out the car and is escorted in the building. Wait, how is Kit also Bloody Face? Sister Jude “welcomes” him, telling him that he will repent for his crimes to the only judge that matters, and she scoffs at his story regarding little green men. Apparently Alma is among the beheaded victims. Sister Jude taunts Kit by mentioning Alma’s “dark meat,” he spits at her, and she canes his ass like her life depends on it.

An undoubtedly swollen Kit wanders miserably through the common area, meeting other patients and learning the rules of Briarcliff. After Shelley offers her…friendship…he encounters Grace, a young woman accused of chopping up her family, who claims not to be crazy, and Spivey (played by Mr. Kelly Ripa), who picks a fight with Kit immediately. Sister Jude breaks up the fight and Kit continues his tour as a human punching bag by taking a baton to the face. Have I mentioned that Sister Jude is batshit crazy?

At this point in the episode I’m thinking we are in for one hell of a ride with Jessica Lange as this season’s villain, but it would be silly to stop there. Meet Dr. Arthur Arden, who is Briarcliff’s chief physician. Played by James Cromwell, you know - the farmer from Babe, Dr. Arden seems to conduct experiments on the patients that cause their untimely demise. Sister Jude is not a fan, and this guy is beyond creepy.

Remember Lana? I barely do, but she resurfaces in the home she shares with her girlfriend Wendy. That’s right, she’s also hiding a secret. As the two prepare to have dinner (and some other things), Lana reveals her plan to get back into Briarcliff to write a ground-breaking story about Bloody Face and prove herself as a journalist and not just the girl who writes the cooking column. So, she doesn't care about that molasses bread after all.

Back at Briarcliff, Sister Jude has also prepared dinner, wearing a hot little red negligee under her nun garb. Yup, this is really starting to get weird. She dines now with Monsignor Timothy Howard, and…..helloooooo Joseph Fiennes! Oh Joseph, you were my everything for several years after Shakespeare in Love….right up until the time I thought Killing Me Softly would destroy your career forever.  Anyway, the Monsignor chats with Sister Jude about the path forward for Briarcliff. She claims Dr. Arden is not a man of God and she is immediately scolded as she is not equipped to judge a man’s Godliness. Ouch. Lucky for Sister Jude, she has a dirty mind and she can fantasize about stripping down mounting the Monsignor while he verbally puts her in her place.   

Outside the building, Sister Mary Eunice is walking around with meat looking to feed some creatures that lurk beyond the walls. What are they? More of Dr. Arden’s failed experiments? We don’t even get a glimpse because Lana pops up just then and finds her way back into Briarcliff by hustling away from the creatures with Mary Eunice. That’s twice for her now – I can’t believe how easy it is to get in this place.

We jump to the present day with poor Leo who is one limb short and bleeding all over his freak wife. Teresa runs to get help, but surpriiiiiiiiise, the door they came in is now chained and locked from the inside. She tries another direction (through the death chute?) and we fade back into 1964.….

…..The table Leo had so loving strapped Teresa to now holds Kit Walker, who is meeting Dr. Arden for the first time. Dr. Arden explains that victims of Bloody Face were found naked and the skinning occurred while they were still breathing. During this narrative, Kit has a flashback to his alien abduction, which seems to have included an anal probe. Ew. Dr. Arden then cuts open a lump on the side of Kit’s neck, and pulls out a chip of some sort…. Which then grows legs and runs away. Yes, that just happened.

Were you wondering about Lana? Oh she’s just roaming the halls of Briarcliff by herself thinking God knows what, when she opens the door slot to an unknown room and is knocked out by a mysterious arm. Dummy. I’m sorry…I’m all for journalistic freedom, but I can’t root for someone who is acting a fool. And Lana isn’t going anywhere anytime soon either. You see, Sister Jude paid a visit to Wendy and gave Wendy an ultimatum: either Wendy commits Lana to Briarcliff or Sister Jude outs them as lesbians. Point. Set. Match.

 

Back to poor Teresa running down the death chute – will she find a way out? Of course not. She runs directly into Bloody Face instead, and we’ve reached the end of episode 1.

So, there is a lot to be processed at this point. We’ve met many characters right off the bat, encountered aliens, and watched Maroon 5’s front man lose the arm he uses to select his team on The Voice. I’m not a huge fan of the extraterrestrial storyline, but as long Will Smith is not featured as a guest star this season, I’m open to space men in the asylum. One thing is certain: I cannot wait to see how the season unfolds.