Tonight’s episode of American
Horror Story opens with our modern day Bloody Face, Johnny Morgan, waiting
for a visitor. When he answers his door a busty woman named Pandora is
standing there, all smiles because she just gave birth three weeks ago. There’s
nothing like a prostitute who has been out of work because of child bearing.
Welcome back to the world of fetishes and kinks, Pandora. I will do my best to
refrain from “Pandora’s Box” jokes. Maybe.
Anywho, Johnny had used the internet to contact Pandora and
her triple Ds because much like his daddy before him, baby needs colostrum. No
seriously – after some “dirty talk” regarding lactating and wet bras (gross), Johnny
breastfeeds from this woman. Breast. Feeds. My first thought: EWWWWW. And...I don’t think I had a
second thought. Unfortunately for Pandora though, she allows Johnny to talk
about his mommy issues. He gets himself all worked up over his biological mom,
eventually grabbing Pandora by the throat and screaming in her face. We can go
ahead and imagine that her evening does not end well.
Back to 1960s Briarcliff now, where Kit awakens in solitary
confinement. Thredson enters to assure Kit that he believes all children
require love and attention and offers to allow Kit to spend time with his
bouncing baby (alien?) boy. They make their way to the common room where Grace
and baby Thomas are hanging out, and Thredson allows the three of them to spend
some quality time together. Kit is overwhelmed by it all and finally asks Grace
for some details. I’m pretty sure we’ve all been wondering “WTF?” right?
Grace then begins to explain her time away from Earth. She
remembers being shot by Frank the Security Guard but when the bright light
came, it was the aliens that came to get her. They impregnated her (with a baby
that looks like Kit?) and her pregnancy advanced quickly because “time works
differently up there.” No kidding. Grace
also tells Kit that Alma is dead, but the only reason the aliens wanted Alma
and Grace is because Kit is the common link. He is “special.” Baby Thomas is
also special and Grace predicts that he will change the way people think.
Believing his wife to be dead, Kit looks at his newborn and then asks Grace to
marry him so they can become a real family. She agrees and it’s all very
adorable.
The sweet scene is interrupted, however, when Monsignor
Timothy and the orderlies enter to take baby Thomas to a home for lost children.
It seems the Monsignor thinks a lot of himself now that he has rid Briarcliff
of the devil (and inadvertently Dr. Arden as well), and he has resumed his role
as head honcho. He has also become quite the dick at this point, and I can no
longer feel good about calling him Father Hotness…. Father Jackass works better
for me now. He has no remorse at all as the baby is ripped out of the arms of
his parents and walked out of the room. But wait. Thredson would never allow
another baby to be put into the system on his watch, would he? Not if Kit gives
him the confession tape….which will not be an easy feat.
Meanwhile Mother Claudia finds Stupid Lana in the bakery and
tells her she is taking her from Briarcliff. She explains that Judy confessed
everything that Stupid Lana had been through and hands Lana her patient file
which documents the awful things that have happened to her in the asylum. Lana
now sheds her stupidity (finally!), grabs Thredson’s confession tape and
promises Judy that she will come back for her. As Kit distracts Thredson, she follows Mother
Claudia out of Briarcliff and hops into a cab. Thredson realizes just a bit too
late that this is happening and when he runs outside to stop her, she leans
forward in the cab window, holds up the confession tape…and flicks him off as
the cab speeds away. Priceless!
Knowing that he is screwed, Thredson hurries home to begin
whatever escape plan he had in mind. Lana, however, is waiting for him there
with a gun. She tells him that the police have the confession tape and should be arriving
any moment. Thredson says he is relieved not to have to live with secrets
anymore, and he reiterates that he was right about her being “the one.” He
moves to make himself one last martini and we see that he has a gun stashed in
the bar area. The suspense builds.
Lana asks him what happened to Wendy’s body. She wants to be
able to give her former love a proper burial. Thredson wants to spare her the
details, but Lana insists: “I want to know everything.” He begins to describe
how he left Wendy’s body intact and put her on ice just for Lana. You see, he “practiced”
with Wendy before raping Lana. How could Thredson be okay with having sex with
a corpse you wonder? Well, he just turned her head around the other way and
then everything worked splendidly. “Wendy allowed us to create this life you
have growing inside you.” And now I’m just nauseous.
Unfortunately for Lana (and Wendy), Thredson had to take
Wendy’s body apart and scatter the pieces when Lana escaped from him the first
time. So…no burial for Wendy. He begins to make himself another drink as the
sirens are heard approaching the house. Lana assures him that even if she kept
their child, he would never see it because he would soon be on his way to the
electric chair. Not so fast. Thredson is quick to remind her that he is "insane"
and will most likely end up with a life sentence at Briarcliff. He reaches for
the gun and Lana blows his brains out.
When we next see Lana she is putting flowers near a plot in
a mausoleum. Though Wendy’s body was not recovered, this will be designated as
her final resting place. Lana plans to wrap some things up (get an abortion) and
then head to New York to live out her days as a famous journalist. She leaves
the mausoleum surrounded by paparazzi. They all shout questions to her and she
climbs into her car, rolls down the window and tells them “all I can say is…read
my book.”
Back at Briarcliff Judy is becoming a constant rebel. She
challenges the patients to stop taking their happy pills, and she has also
developed a deep appreciation for the new jukebox. Father Jackass knows that he
needs to keep her quiet. The newspapers are all publishing stories about
Briarcliff and the reporters linger outside the gates hoping to speak with
someone inside. I guess they don’t know about the death chute – it’s so easy to
come and go as you please when you know about the death chute.
Judy is rocking out to “Love Potion No. 9” in the common
room when Father Jackass approaches her. She calls him out on relinquishing his
virtue to the devil (big no-no for those who want to be Pope) and expects him
to renounce his vows because of his unholy indiscretion. The Monsignor tells
her he has too much to give…too much to offer. He can’t just throw it all away
now because of a weak moment while being mounted by a demon. (Oh, and there’s
the little matter of him MURDERING Shelley, but Judy doesn’t know about that).
She is disgusted and feels ashamed that she once would have done anything for the
Monsignor and she causes a scene. “I am blessed with the gift of total clarity.
I am more sane now as a mad woman than I ever was as the head of Briarcliff.”
Father Jackass orders her to solitary confinement.
Kit, on the other hand, is getting out of solitary
confinement for good as he has been served his walking papers from Briarcliff.
Now that he has been cleared of the Bloody Face murders, he is a free man. He’s
not going anywhere without Grace and baby Thomas though, so he strikes a deal with
Father Jackass. Technically Grace is dead – Frank shot her and Arden signed a
death certificate. So no one would need to know if she is “released.” In exchange
for his family, Kit promises to never speak to any of the journalists about the
asylum. He promises that no one at Briarcliff will ever hear from him again.
Kit, Grace and their baby arrive home at Kit’s house. I know
I am not alone when I ask: how does Kit still have his house? Do accused serial
killers in insane asylums get to hold on to their houses just in case they’ve
been falsely imprisoned? It’s not like we’ve seen any evidence of Kit and Alma’s
families playing any kind of role in their lives. No matter though – the spare
key is under the rock right where it’s supposed to be (cringe), and the house
is in the same state it was during the alien invasion. The happy homecoming is short-lived,
however, due to a noise coming from the bedroom. Kit approaches the intruder…only
to see ALMA alive and well…and holding a baby of her own. HA! I feel that Kit
could easily have his own baby mama drama reality show now.
Speaking of baby mamas, Lana is now faced with the decision
of whether or not to keep her baby. She’s at a home of a doctor who performs
abortions on the side and after hearing Lana’s story (though she tells the
woman her name is “Jane”…interesting), the doctor is more than happy to assist.
As the procedure begins however, Lana just can’t go through with it. “No more
death. No more.”
Several months pass (in looking at how far along she is in
her pregnancy), and Lana returns her focus to taking down Briarcliff, visiting
the police to help with their investigation. Seems Mother Claudia was
transferred to Puerto Rico right after she helped Lana break free, so more
witnesses are needed. Lana tells the detectives that Judy can corroborate her
allegations, but she hasn’t been allowed back in to Briarcliff to see her. Yeah,
no kidding. Armed with a court order, she accompanies the detectives to the
asylum to confront Monsignor Timothy and get Judy out of there. Father Jackass
informs them that Judy hung herself and produces a death certificate to “prove”
it. He also explains that because she committed suicide, she was denied a
Christian burial and was cremated immediately. Convenient. Lana is soooo
pissed, however, we the audience know that Father Jackass is lying. Judy is
then shown in solitary confinement.
Our episode ends with Lana in a hospital after giving birth.
She had asked not to see the baby, but the boy is allergic to formula and won’t
stop crying. Yup – baby needs colostrum. Lana begrudgingly breastfeeds the
little one, looking disgusted at first, but then eventually cradling him.
So, is Johnny Morgan truly the son of Lana and Bloody Face?
Does Lana end up keeping the baby and raising him in secret? Is there some sort
of twist coming where he ends up being the son of Kit and Grace? We’ll know for
sure in a couple of weeks.
I also wanted to say how captivated I was during this
episode. It was brilliantly directed by Alfonso Gomez-Rejon, and the camera
angles, music and split screens were a throwback to Brian De Palma films, with
some Alfred Hitchcock thrown in, and I LOVED every bit of it.
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