We start the Season 3 journey at
Kathy Bates’ house in 1834. The newest member to the AHS family plays Madame LaLaurie (who actually existed), and as the show opens she is throwing some
sort of party at her New Orleans plantation. She introduces the gentlemen
callers to her three daughters, the youngest of which speaks of her talents in
the boudoir…so we already know this girl is a slut. Momma’s not happy.
Cut to Madame LaLaurie getting
ready for bed and putting on a little foundation before sleep. Oh no wait.
That’s blood. Whatever floats your boat, lady. Her face-painting is interrupted
by news that her youngest has been cavorting with the help - seems they were
caught having a romp after the party. Momma has gone from not happy to furious
and proceeds to beat the shit out of her kid. The horny slave takes quite a
beating too. Madame LaLaurie orders the slave
to be chained up in her attic, where she apparently makes a habit of torturing
slaves. Everyone has their hobbies I guess. Inspired by the Greek mythology
stories her father read to her growing up, Momma puts a bull’s head on the
horny slave and her version of a minotaur is born.
After we see the opening credits
(which are gross by the way) we jump to present day. Season 1 vet Taissa
Farminga introduces us to her character, Zoe. So Zoe is not quite a slut…but she
does bring her boyfriend Charlie home with her in an effort to lose her
virginity. Somehow during the act though Charlie has a nosebleed…which then
turns into blood pouring from several areas, convulsions, then death. The
coroner’s report stated Charlie died of a brain aneurysm, but Zoe finds out
later that she’s a witch and caused the death herself. That news has to be met
with mixed emotions…
“Honey, you’re a witch.”
“Woohoo!”
“But you have a toxic vagina.”
“Damn it.”
After the Men in Black and Frances Conroy/old
Moira/the Angel of death (no idea what her character's name is yet) come to Zoe’s house to take her
away, she journeys to New Orleans to a school “for people like her.” Giving us
a history lesson, she notes that after the Salem witch trials many witches fled
south ending up in Louisiana. When she arrives at Miss Robichaux's Academy for
Exceptional Young Ladies, we know we are in for one hell of a ride. This
friendly looking place was established as a finishing school in 1790. During
the Civil War it was converted into a hospital before finally being transformed
to a safe haven for young witches.
Zoe explores
the long white corridors as she searches for signs of life in this place. She
hears people running around…playing tricks on her. At first I think it’s the
guys from Eyes Wide Shut but to my
relief they are students themselves:
·
Madison (Emma Roberts) is a young actress with a
temper. She’s telekinetic and can make things explode when she’s pissed
off.
·
Queenie (I’m going to have a hard time not calling
her “Precious”) is essentially a human voodoo doll. She herself doesn’t feel
the pain, but her targets better watch out.
·
Nan (played by Season 1’s Jamie Brewer) is the
resident sweetheart and a clairvoyant.
This season
Stupid Lana plays Cordelia Foxx, the headmistress of the Academy. She escorts
Zoe throughout the house and the camera angle on the staircase in this place is
pretty awesome…it’s a long staircase, like the stairway to heaven in Asylum, but it splits off in two
directions. Perhaps representing good magic vs. bad magic? Or maybe the regular
witches vs. the “supremes?” Cordelia explains to us that supremes are witches
with countless gifts. To my disappointment Diana Ross is not making an
appearance this season.
Elsewhere Jessica Lange watches
monkey research hoping to find the secret to eternal life. She plays Fiona, a witch looking to maintain
her youth at any cost. Fiona tries to coerce the monkey research doctor into
giving her an experimental drug he’s been working on, but no dice.
How does one deal with this
disappointment? Well with cocaine, cigarettes and dancing alone near the windows of her
house of course! She turns on the news to see Lily Rabe...who this season plays
Misty Day (totally a porn name), a witch with the power of resurgence. The news
channel reports that Misty was burned at the stake and Fiona is pisssssed. So
am I. I love Lily Rabe. Ryan Murphy giveth and Ryan Murphy taketh away….bummer.
Fiona’s rage is interrupted by the monkey doctor at her door. She asks him once
again for the youth drug. He says no, she starts some witchy shit, and he’s
donezo. Fiona kisses him and literally sucks the life out of him. I’ll never
look at the phrase “sucking face” the same way again.
When we next see Cordelia, she is
hard at work with has her own version of Breaking
Bad. I'm not sure what she's cooking up in her lab but something tells me she has quite a few tricks up her sleeve. Fiona shows up and we learn that they are mother and daughter. Fiona
is a supreme, by the way, and she’s none too pleased that Cordelia isn’t the
witch she could have been. Okay so Cordelia has mommy issues.
Meanwhile Madison and Zoe head
out to a fraternity party because they are young girls and should completely
ignore their deadly powers for the night and drink some really cheap beer. Zoe
meets Kyle, played by AHS vet Evan
Peters, and Kyle is a responsible member of a rival fraternity. It’s love
at first sight, but Zoe knows if she bangs him, he’s done for.
Madison, on the other hand, meets
one of Kyle’s douchebag fraternity brothers. She tells him he can be her slave
and commands him to get her another drink. When this horny slave asked what he’ll
get in return, Madison responds: “slaves get nothing.” Well that’s not really
true, is it? The horny slave slips something in her drink and Madison is pretty
much gang raped with Kyle’s other douchebag brothers taking videos. Kyle tries
to stop them but they flee to their bus, knocking out Kyle as he enters the
vehicle to attack them. Madison walks out to the street calmly and blows up the
bus as it drives away. Problem solved? Nope. While Kyle died in the crash, the
head rapist douchebag survived. Zoe visits him in the in the hospital and gives
him and aneurysm via a hand job and some sex. Now that’s what I call
teamwork.
Fiona finds out about these shenanigans
and scolds the girls the next morning, throwing Madison against the wall when
she starts to get mouthy. She then takes the girls on a field trip to Madame
LaLaurie’s house, which is now a historical site with tours. The guide tells
them that the house is famous for 179 years worth of hauntings. She also says
Nicolas Cage is a previous owner….so chances are it’s the angry spirits of his
dead career haunting the house and not Kathy Bates. The guide also explains
that Madame LaLaurie met her demise when a voodoo-y Angela Bassett poisoned her
ass with a “fidelity potion.” Apparently the horny slave had been Angela Bassett’s
lover and she wanted revenge. Wow. He got around. We find out that Madame
LaLaurie’s body was never found…but Nan knew immediately that she had been
buried in an unmarked grave across the street. Fiona and some unidentified friends
dig up Madame LaLaurie and man she looks good for a dead woman. That blood mask she put on every night must have had
some serious anti-aging powers. “Come on, Mary Todd Lincoln” beckons Fiona. “I’ll
buy you a drink.” Fantastic.
This ends the first episode of Coven. We’ve been provided with quite a setup for the
season, and I’m beyond thrilled to see what’s coming next. Is Misty Day really
gone? Will we see Kyle again? What role will the minotaur play? What’s the deal
with Angela Bassett? I assume she’s still around too? The rivalry between these
women as already pretty amazing, and I hope it only gets better from here.
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