Episode 3 of American Horror
Story: Coven is brought to you by the letter “M.” You can take your pick of
“M” words in this hour: magic, molestation, masturbation, Minotaur, murder and mayhem
just to name a few. That’s right – this show just became all kinds of gross.
Stupid Cordelia
Okay, so she’s not pregnant with Satan’s spawn and I’m fairly
disappointed. I would have greatly enjoyed that storyline. Instead, Stupid
Cordelia is informed by her doctor that there’s just no way can she get pregnant.
She feels sorry for herself for a bit and then seeks the help of Marie Laveau…hoping
the voodoo witch will sacrifice a goat over her womb or something so she’ll be
magically knocked up. Marie, by the way, sits on top of her snake voodoo throne
playing solitaire on her iPad as this conversation begins. That gives me quite
a giggle.
Side note: Really, Ryan Murphy? Can you puhlllllease give Sarah
Paulson a character who isn’t painfully annoying? Can we look forward to that
in Season 4...because she really is a wonderful actress.
Back to Stupid Cordelia’s fertility. Marie toys with her a bit, guaranteeing
her pregnancy for the bargain price of $50,000.00. Wow! At that point I feel
like you just go back to the doctor and do in vitro fertilization. And least no
animals have to shed blood on your lady parts in that scenario…and I imagine
the conditions are far more sanitary. Cordelia vows to come up with the money
but Marie laughs in her face and tells her that she would never help anyone
affiliated with Fiona. “You the daughter of my sworn enemy! She done messed
with da wrong witch.” Mmmmmhmmmm.
Mommie Dearest
Zoe takes a trip to visit Kyle’s mom (played by Mare Wittingham) who
seems to be some sort of hippie with a drug problem. Eh, there are worse things
I guess. Mom explains that Kyle took care of her when his dad left and she’s
just devastated by his death. She tells Zoe that she was seconds away from
hanging herself when Zoe called to say she was coming by…
Seeing an opportunity to reunite mother and son, Zoe collects
Frankenkyle from Misty’s humble abode and Misty is pissssssssed. She enjoys
having Kyle lay next to her, staring blankly at the ceiling while listening to
Stevie Nicks. Hey, it’s not a bad way to live…or not live…is he dead or not? Anywho, Misty tries to get them both to stay but
Kyle is homeward bound. Zoe promises Misty she’ll come back for her but Misty
knows she is lying. Oh well. There’s always Fleetwood Mac.
Kyle’s arrival at home is awkward. His mom is overjoyed, but Frankenkyle
seems to go from that blank stare to a look of fear. Maybe I’m just overanalyzing?
Momma checks in on him as he is getting ready to go to sleep that
night. She’s concerned because he’s “different.” Does she mean “different”
because he’s not really speaking and only seems to have one or two muscles on
his face that are currently working? Nah. She’s bothered by the fact that his
body looks different. Um, okay. I can go along with that for the moment. She
then kisses him…and then kisses him some more. Then her hand travels low
beneath the blankets. Whoa. WHAT?! EWWWWWWWWWWW!
I guess the incestuous romp with her son isn’t what she hoped it would
be, because Kyle’s mom calls Zoe to tell her Kyle is not the same person. Well
duh. She informs her son that Zoe is on her way and sort of half scolds him for
having a girlfriend and not telling her. Momma seems pretty delusional as she
goes on to say that Kyle had needed “it” as much as much as she did…but now it’s
okay for him to move on with his life. Frankenkyle begins to emerge now as she
kisses him and talks about pleasing him. He beats her to death with one of his
trophies. Enter a very disturbed Zoe and we have ourselves a cliffhanger.
Karma is a Bitch
 |
| Liiiiiiiiiiiies! |
When we first see Madame LaLaurie this episode she sits in the corner
of the bedroom weeping while watching TV. At first I assume that she is still
adapting to 21st century technology, but then I realize she’s
watching Barack Obama give a speech. Oh man. If she thought bumping into Precious
Queenie was traumatic, how will she handle this? Fiona tries to educate her – tells her that
the United States has had black Secretaries of State, Supreme Court Justices, etc…but
Madame LaLaurie is having none of it. “That magic box lies!” Fiona, in turn, notifies
Madame LaLaurie that she is the new maid of the house and those duties shall
include waiting on Precious Queenie hand and foot. Heh. Fantastic.
Madame LaLaurie and Precious Queenie spend the evening
together, the voodoo witch demanding food and the new maid clarifying that Precious
Queenie is far too fat already. I’m actually enjoying their little exchange,
but the banter is interrupted by the Minotaur outside the house. Madame
LaLaurie is terrified and tells Precious Queenie exactly who she is. I
wonder for a second if our sassy witch will throw the former slave torturer
against a wall, but Madame LaLaurie saves herself by telling Precious
Queenie that the Minotaur was a house boy who “violated” her daughter. I think
that’s up for interpretation.
Nonetheless,
The Boy Next Door
The young witches practically drool over the hunky new next door
neighbor who, I might add, shouldn’t wear a shirt for the rest of the season. Luke
Ramsey has just moved to town with his mom, Joan…played by Patti LuPone! Oh my
God. I’m geeking out right now. This woman is a Broadway legend. Thank you,
Ryan Murphy.
Madison gets herself all slutted up and takes Nan with her to welcome
Luke to the neighborhood. Nan has baked him a cake, and he is far more
interested in dessert than Madison’s remarks about his “package.” Luke doesn’t
even realize Madison is famous. He begins to tell the girls that he doesn’t
have internet or TV when Joan arrives to shoo the witches away. It’s time for
church, after all, and Momma is extremely religious. Madison expresses her own
thoughts about Jesus and in the process of verbally offending her new
neighbors, she also sends a knife flying and mentally sets fire to the
curtains. Not a good idea, kid.
The Supremes
We flash back to 1971 where a young Fiona swaps insults with the Anna-Lee, the current Supreme (played by Christine freaking Ebersole… my theater cup runneth over tonight!). We learn that as the next Supreme in line gets older and stronger, the reigning Supreme gets weaker. They are linked to one another. Anna-Lee swears she will see Fiona burn in hell before she ever lets her take over her throne. “Save me a spot,” Fiona says, as she cuts Anna Lee’s throat. Nooooooo! At least let her sing first – she’s a Tony Award winning actress for crying out loud! Sigh. A very creepy looking Dennis O’Hare lingers to clean up after Fiona’s mess, and we revert back to present day…
Fiona sits at the dining room table downing some liquor when Joan Ramsey
arrives baring the Bible. She tells Fiona about Madison’s antics. Fiona’s eyes
shift. She wants to hear more. Arson? Fire? The slutty witch young witch appears
just then to insult her new neighbor again, and a very distraught Joan leaves
the house…but with a warning for the witches to stay away from her home and
family.
The Supreme witch seems to have something up her sleeve when she
invites Madison for a night on the town. They play pool, they pick up boys,
they drink up...then drink up some more. When they return to the house, we
learn that Madison is the next Supreme. Fiona tells Madison that Madison’s
powers are growing because Fiona’s life force is pouring out of her body. She reveals
that she has cancer and will not last the year. Fiona also admits that she was
a shitty Supreme and is ready to pass the torch. She takes out the knife she
used to cut Anna-Lee’s throat and tries like hell to get Madison to take her
place as the head of the coven. Madison cries, screams, and refuses to use the
knife. Fiona’s rage and frustration builds and she slits Madison’s throat. A
creepy, older Dennis O’Hare arrives again to clean up the mess. The final line
of the episode is: “This coven doesn’t need a new Supreme – it needs a new rug.”
So, as many times as I yelled “ewwwwwww!” at the TV screen, this was
quite an episode. We saw several struggles for power: Kyle vs. his disgusting
mother…young Fiona vs. Anna Lee…old Fiona vs. Madison….and even Madame LaLaurie
vs. Queenie. The battle between dark magic and full on evil shit is now further
complicated by the arrival of the Bible beaters. Will Joan Ramsey join in on the
diva struggle? Can Patti hang with Angela, Kathy and Jessica or will she be
killed in the next few episodes? Who the hell is Cordelia’s daddy? Is it Dennis
O’Hare and his creepy butler/groundskeeper character? I’m really liking how
everything is starting to build. Bring on the next episode!
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