Tonight’s
episode of American Horror Story: Coven
is entitled “The Dead” which gives me an immediate laugh since few people seem
to actually die on this show. There’s a lot to be covered in this episode – so
much so that it runs an additional ten minutes tonight. Here’s where we are:
I
Could Have Been A Contender
We flash back to a time when Kyle wasn’t Frankenkyle…when he was just
a young guy with a full life ahead of him. He’s out and about with his
fraternity brothers doing the bro thing at a tattoo parlor, and he tells them
about his big dreams of becoming an engineer. Kyle wants to make a difference
in the world, which makes his current predicament that much more sad. He looks
down at his arm and ankle and notices the tattoos that his brothers got….so yeah,
not his arm or leg. But he remembers? I’m glad he at least recalls happy
memories and not just the ones of his mom touching him inappropriately.
Stupid Zoe approaches Kyle with a gun behind her back. She wants to fix
the situation. Kyle is doing the moaning/crying thing and he rips the gun out
of Zoe’s hands. She can’t allow him to shoot himself though…she’s still too
attached. Color me bored with this storyline.
Dead Girl Walking
Madison is still sporting her neat slit throat look and she’s slowly
finding out that being brought back isn’t everything she thought it would be. “We
think that pain is the worst feeling. It isn’t. How can anything be worse than
this eternal silence inside of me?”
Madison is able to bond with Kyle over their dead people woes. While
Zoe can’t seem to get Kyle to act like anything but a caveman, he does share a
tender moment with Madison. And by tender moment…I mean they have dead sex up
against the wall. Since Emma Roberts and Evan Peters have been dating for quite
a while…might as well give them some naked time together on screen.
Was Blind But Now I See
Cordelia wakes up in the middle of the night by the phone on her night
stand. Creepy ass Hank is drunk and surrounded by a plethora of guns as he tells
her he wants to come home. She hangs up on him (thank you for not being stupid)
and goes out in the hallway searching for the maid. Cordelia finds Madison
instead…and when she touches her, she sees Fiona slitting her throat. Ohhhh
shit!
Realizing something has to be done, Cordelia calls Zoe into her
office. She calls Zoe “a hot shit witch” and tells her she has a target on her
back. Zoe assumes Cordelia is talking about Marie coming after her, but
Cordelia quickly clarifies that she is speaking of Fiona. She tells Zoe that
Fiona slit Madison’s throat and warns Zoe that she could be next. The young
witch is started. She asks what they should do. Cordelia responds: “It’s simple.
We’re going to kill my mother. Kill her once, kill her good.” Okay, so Cordelia
is starting to become one of my favorites on this show. Who would have thought?
Speak No Evil
Spalding awakes to find Zoe in his room. She has restored his tongue
and he can speak again. Seems Myrtle had kept Spalding’s tongue after he cut it
out (ew) and Zoe came across it when she found the old photos from Miss Robichaux’s last week.
Reminding Spalding that his tongue is enchanted to tell the truth, Zoe begins
to ask questions. Spalding concedes that he did not kill Madison, that Fiona
did, and that he has devoted his life to serving her and the coven. Zoe then
kills him. I’m not going to get too invested in that though… let’s see if he
actually stays dead for more than an episode.
Madison catches up with Zoe just as Zoe is stepping out of the shower…had
to wash off Spalding’s blood after all. It’s a bit awkward because Madison doesn’t
want to give Kyle up but she also says Zoe can have him too. She leads Zoe into
the bedroom where a not so moody Kyle sits on the bed. He’s all sorts of
popular today because he ends up having a threesome with the two witches.
The Axeman Really Cometh
Fiona, meanwhile, is preparing to get it on with The Axeman. He takes
her home with him (when did he get a home?) and begins to seduce her with
bourbon and jazz music. Fiona excuses herself and notices more of her hair
falling out in the restroom. What she doesn’t notice is the body in the
bathtub. I assume that gentleman is the actual owner of the apartment. Regardless,
when she returns to The Axeman, he touches her hair….and she withdraws
immediately. He pleads with her, saying this could be their destiny, but Fiona
goes into bitch mode and tells him she’s ruined all of her relationships. She
goes on a tirade about how he couldn’t possibly want her, couldn’t love her,
blah blah blah. But he does convince her to at least stay and have some sex.
Dude is smooth. Seriously.
The next morning Fiona gets ready to leave but The Axeman entices her
to stay. She remarks that the dead body in the bathroom is going to begin to
stink up the place. So she DID notice it! And she was completely unmoved by it?
Wow. She’s more desperate for love than I thought she was. The Axeman says they
are the same person…and that he has been watching over her since she was 8
years old. Okay, gross…
We flash back to Miss Robichaux’s when an 8 year old Fiona was
standing up to an older witch (Helen) that the other young girls were afraid
of. Helen uses her telekinesis to knock glasses of milk all
over the girls sitting at Fiona’s table. Fiona keeps her own glass standing and
Helen retaliates by throwing Fiona on the floor. Suddenly, a large shelf falls
on Helen…apparently the work of The Axeman.
Present day Fiona now looks nervous. She tells him to explain himself
and he confides in Fiona that he has been in love with her pretty much her whole life.
Fiona goes back into bitch mode, says she doesn’t believe in ghosts, then
leaves. The sexual tension between them though is just unreal.
Fiona isn’t able to stay away from The Axeman long – she shows up and
the bar where he plays his saxophone and we can only assume what happens next.
Fiendish Friends?
We flash back to Madam LaLaurie’s plantation where Sally, her slave,
has just given birthday to a healthy…pale baby boy. Madam LaLaurie’s husband
seems very interested in the boy, even offering up name suggestions. Uh oh. You
have pissed off your wife something awful. Madam LaLaurie tells Sally the
kitchen is too much for a new mother and asks Sally to become her handmaiden.
That night when Sally is helping Madam LaLaurie get ready for bed, the slave
torturer reveals that the blood for her facial is fresh from a baby boy. She
tells Sally she knows who has been between her legs…and that she needn’t bother
to name the child. The next morning Sally threw herself off of the balcony.
My reaction is similar to Precious Queenie’s. Madam LaLaurie
tells Precious Queenie that she’s learning how terrible the things were
that she did. She also confides that she is very thankful to have a true friend
to guide her now. Your move, Precious Queenie.
Against everything I had hoped for her character, Precious Queenie
delivers Madame LaLaurie to Marie and I am pisssssssssed. She tricks the maid
by telling her she will be getting her hair done and when they arrive at Marie’s
shop, Madam LaLaurie is seized by the voodoo witches and tortured...with
Precious Queenie making the first cut. We then see Marie giving herself a
facial with Madam LaLaurie’s blood. Damn it.
I do have a lingering question though…what ever happened to Luke? He
was injured in the zombie raid, taken into the house, and never heard from
again. Did I miss something? How am I to know if he’s getting it on with Nan if
we never hear about him? Why isn’t his bible beating mother banging down the
doors of the academy looking for him? What’s their purpose if we are only going to
see them for 1.25 episodes then have them disappear as if they were never a
threat to begin with?
We are embarking on a two week hiatus before the show returns again
after Thanksgiving. I’m hoping this storyline is addressed or at least wrapped
up soon. I also hope we see the return of Myrtle and Misty Day because I think
it’s time for Myrtle to raise some hell at Miss Robichaux’s. It’ll be a long
break but I bet it will be worth it!
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