AHS Coven: This Means War

The last 10 minutes of tonight's episode of American Horror Story: Coven is by far the most suspenseful we've seen this season. This was an awesome way to lead into yet another break (the series resumes in 2014), and I lost count of the number of times I said "Oh my God!" out loud during the hour. Here's where we are....

 

The Secret Life of Hank

We  flash back to Chattahoochee National Forest in 1991, where a young Hank and his father are camping and sharing coffee. Hank is on his first hunting trip and he's nervous. His father explains that their family has consisted of hunters for generations. Well, at least we know that Hank is more than just a hired douchebag. When Hank's chance comes...he hesitates to shoot the witch and she tries to set him on fire. Hank's dad takes the flames on his arm and kills the witch instead.

 

In the present day Hank is hanging out in Atlanta where apparently a witch hunting corporation exists. Neat. Hank's dad is in charge and he is not pleased with Hank's lack of progress. He reminds Hank that his job is only to gather intelligence and not get his hands dirty. See, I'm even more pissed about Kaylee now. Dad tells Hank that he was sloppy with Kaylee and someone else from the corporation had to be sent to kill a maid and a desk clerk to cover up the murder. Dad also tells Hank that he ordered the attack on Cordelia. The corporation believed that injuring her would cause her to need Hank more...and give him more of an "in" with the coven. Well, dude, that totally backfired.

 

When Hank returns to wherever the hell he's living these days, he is subjected to Marie's voodoo powers. She uses a doll to torture him, then calls him on the phone to tell him "they die tonight or the next needle I use will put a hole in your heart." That's quite an ultimatum.

  

 

See No Evil

Cordelia has become a pro at finding her way around the house...she just drops things more than she would like. As she tries to clean up a shattered carton of eggs, not dead Myrtle jumps in to help her. She asks if Cordelia ever believed that she was the one who blinded her as Fiona had accused. She then asks Cordelia to use her new power to see that she is innocent. Cordelia tells Myrtle that she doesn't need to use her power to know Myrtle could never harm her.

 

Myrtle and the rest of The Council have a Sunday dinner, where the duo that solidified her death eat and drink their hearts out. Myrtle explains her return from the dead just as The Council is starting to realize they have been poisoned and turned into live human statues:

 

“Are you terrified? You should be! At any rate, I’m not going to kill you. Maybe after dessert. I did put a lot of effort into the key lime pie.”

 

Myrtle then removes one eyeball from each of them. She also happily cuts up their bodies and boils the pieces. So Myrtle is a crazy bitch after all. Awesome! She gives those eyes to Cordelia and the witch can see again.

 

When Fiona finds her newly healed daughter she and Myrtle have a pissing contest over who committed what crime and who is the better witch...then Cordelia essentially tells them to STFU and leaves to lie down. Myrtle gives her a hug before she exits the room, and Cordelia realizes that while she regained her sight, she has lost her power of vision.

 

 

Please Won't You Be My Neighbor?

Nan waits faithfully at the hospital for word of Luke's recovery. Zoe and Madison help her barge into Luke's room where his mother flips out on them. She says they brought a darkness upon her house, but Nan interrupts her. Even though Luke is in a coma, she can hear Luke's thoughts. Nan tells Joan to sing a song to Luke - a song she sang to him when he broke his arm as a boy. She does, and it seems to work. Joan tells Nan that she is a miracle.

 

I anticipate this warm and happy scene continuing but Luke's thoughts go down a different path. Nan says that there is a God and He is judging Joan for what she did to Luke's father. Huh? Apparently Luke's father's death was not an accident (I've never once wondered about Luke's father). Seems daddy was cheating on Joan and told her he was leaving her...he was then was suddenly attacked by a swarm of bees and his allergies to bee stings caused his demise. I'm not sure how a swarm of bees attacking a man in a completely sealed car in the dead of night wasn't suspicious? Joan banishes Nan from the hospital...and when Luke fully wakes up and accuses her of murder, she smothers him with a pillow. Whoa!

 

 

We Make A Great Team

Cordelia teaches Misty a thing or two about herbs and spells and Misty is able to channel her power of resurgence into a potted plant. Is reviving a plant more difficult than raising a decaying corpse from the dead? I would think not but what do I know? Misty compliments Cordelia on her ability to lead but Cordelia shuts her down quickly. "Fiona is the leader of this coven." Take it easy, Cordelia. Who was leading the coven while Fiona was off doing her own thing for so long?

 

Hank arrives and attempts a happy reunion with his wife. He says all the right things, throwing his arms around her and pleading for another chance at their marriage. He stops only for a second to look at Misty...realize she is the one he failed to kill in the woods. Cordelia is cold to Hank and that makes me very happy. She tells him "your shit is in a box in the closet. Get it, and get out." Ha! 

 

Because We Haven't Seen Kyle Yet...

Fiona brings home a dog to help protect the house. The canine quickly finds Kyle who now knows the word "dog." Good for him? Kyle then kills the dog. So much for protection.

 

Kyle apparently knows all sorts of words. The three young witches return home from the hospital to find him playing gin with Fiona. For a Supreme witch, she really sucks at gin. Fiona tells the girls she "fixed" Kyle. He's not "all there" but she has turned him into a guard dog that will attack on command. FINALLY Kyle has a purpose.

 

 

Talking Heads

Marie's hair salon is hopping with customers when Fiona arrives with Madam LaLaurie's head. They make their way back to Madam LaLaurie's torture room where the headless woman (still donning that fantastic tiger sweat suit) gives a slight wave from her cage. Ha! Fiona wants to make a deal...actually an alliance. She tells Marie about the witch hunters not realizing that Marie is behind the attempted killings. Marie tells Fiona she will be popping champagne when the coven is dead, not helping her protect it. She then orders Precious Queenie to take the head in the box outside and burn it. Um, WHAT?

 

Instead Precious Queenie take Madam LaLaurie's head to what I assume is her apartment or new living quarters and forces her to watch Roots. She tells Madam LaLaurie that she can't burn her because she would be leaving the world as an ignorant woman. As the television series begins, Madam LaLaurie closes her eye's and sings "I Wish I Was In Dixie." She then watches a history of The Civil Rights movement and her eyes well up with tears.

 

Precious Queenie returns to the hair salon and Marie puts her to work right away. She doesn't even ask about the head, which I find odd. Doesn't she hate Madam LaLaurie? Hasn't she dedicated a considerable amount of time making sure she suffers? We don't have a chance to find out if she realizes the head is alive and well, so to speak. Hank bursts through the door and shoots the place up. He targets all of Marie's employees...including Queenie, who fall forward with a would in her gut. Hank makes his way through the shop and finally finds Marie. Just as he did when he was a boy, he hesitates. Queenie is able to grab a gun that one of the fallen witches had dropped on the floor...and she uses her voodoo power to blow Hank's (her) brains out. Good riddance, douchebag. I am not at all sorry to see you go.

 

In the final moments of the episode, Marie arrives at Miss Robichaux's. Time for an alliance?

Gin!

So in this hour we really had a bloodbath, but we also learned that the real enemy this season is a corporation of witch hunters. Who would have thunk it? What will Hank's dad's retaliation be? Also, I may have pegged Joan Ramsey as a nutcase, but a killer? Someone who would murder the son she's spent so many years, um, cleansing? Color me surprised on that one. And finally...as pissed off as I've been at Precious Queenie these past couple of weeks, I had a pit in my stomach when she sacrificed herself. Now, because no one really stays dead on this show, I'm hoping she comes back and participates in whatever battle is coming with the other witch hunters. Unfortunately we will have to wait until January 8th to find out, but you can bet I will be re-watching the episodes in the meantime!

 

 

 

AHS Coven: Nothing's Sacred

It feels like it’s been forever since the last episode of American Horror Story: Coven. No amount of turkey or mashed potatoes could distract me from the two week hiatus we had. Before the show took the Thanksgiving break, there were many lingering questions and shit was really starting to hit the fan. Here’s where we are:

                          

Use Your Words

Zoe tries to teach Kyle to speak so he can rejoin society. Why would he do that? I’m not sure what they did with his mother’s body….but if anyone is looking for suspects I imagine that the suddenly not dead son might need to go in for questioning. Madison is fine with Kyle being the way he is, as evidenced by the way she enters the room and shoves her tongue down his throat. They leave him alone with a computerized learning program so they can go do witchy things, and Zoe returns later to check on his progress. Kyle holds her and tells her “This road goes two ways. I love you.” Zoe loves him too and a distraught Madison listens in on the other side of the door. This Tarzan/Jane thing is cute and all, but again…I am so bored with this story line.

The Voodoo That You Do

Precious Queenie walks through a sketchy part of town and encounters a homeless man who wants to have his way with her. She really knows how to attract the good ones, huh? Precious Queenie picks up a piece of wood with nails sticking out of it, bashes her own hand with it, then him, and homeless dude is down for the count. Zoe and Madison find her at that moment and tell her they need her in the coven. Precious Queenie says she’s with Marie and the voodoo witches now….as she tears out the heart of the homeless guy. She tells her former sister witches “War is coming. And you’re going to lose.”

 

When we next see her, Precious Queenie is delivering fast food to Madam LaLaurie. She asks Precious Queenie what she ever did to deserve the betrayal. She tells the young witch “You put me in here. You can let me out.” Precious Queenie looks like she’s considering this but Marie shows up and cuts off Madam LaLaurie’s right hand. Damn. It’s going to be hard for her to finish her burger that way.

The Perfect Storm

Cordelia gathers Madison, Zoe and Nan to discuss the battle plan for Fiona’s demise. She notes that losing Precious Queenie was her own failure but also states that the young voodoo witch is dead to her now. Me too. I can’t believe she could betray anyone wearing that cute tiger sweat suit. Anywho, Cordelia explains that they have one shot at this and to fail would be a suicide mission. No kidding.

 

The coven’s devious planning is interrupted by a knock at the door. Somehow Spalding is not available to answer it…neither is Madam LaLaurie. When Zoe finally makes her way to the front of the house, Misty Day is on the other side of the door looking for help. Yay! I’ve missed her…and I’m sure she’s missed Stevie. She tells Zoe that a witch hunter tried to kill her and asks for protection for her and her friend. Um, Friend? Myrtle!!!! I’m so excited to see her. She’s got some very unfortunate skin and her voice is raspy and rough. She has a happy(ish) reunion with Cordelia and states that she has seen the face of the new Supreme. Misty’s power of resurrection far surpasses the feats a growing Supreme encounter as they come into their powers. “She’s brought more people back from the dead than Jesus Christ.” Ha! Get this woman a new Stevie!

The witches robe up and begin a ceremony known as The Sacred Taking which allows for the ascension of the next Supreme. It is a ritual that has been invoked three times in periods of crisis to ensure the survival of the coven. The first convening happened during the Salem witch trials when the surviving witches decided it was time to move south. The reigning Supreme at the time knew she would be too weak to travel with them and she took her own life so a new Supreme could lead the group to their new destination. This is the sacrifice the Supreme is intended to make when The Sacred Taking occurs. This is what they expect from Fiona (really? have they met her?).

As the faces of the previous Supremes stare down at the women from the paintings, Cordelia says no one should wish to be the next Supreme. She notes that none of the women on the walls had happy lives. Fiona only lived it up because she ran from her responsibilities. Now is the time for her to fulfill her obligations as Supreme.

Remember Luke?

So, the delicious next door neighbor Luke was stabbed by a zombie during the Halloween show, taken to heal…and then never heard from again. Nice to know he’s still alive I guess? His mother dresses his wound and tells him how evil the girls from Miss Robichaux’s are. When Luke explains that they saved him, momma Joan slaps him across the face and says “Only Jesus can save you.” Duh Luke. Joan then insists he cleanse himself of his sins. How? Maybe going to confession? Prayer? Giving himself lashes? Nah. An Ajax enema is the best way to purify these days. When Joan looks at Luke and says “take off your pants” I wait for Frankenkyle to burst through the door and bludgeon her to death with her bible. That does not happen. Instead, Luke tearfully climbs into the bathtub to begin his cleansing.

 

Later on in the evening Nan goes to check on Luke. She’d heard his cries and swoops in for the rescue. As they attempt to make their escape, momma Joan appears. She has dialed 911 and is telling the operator there is an armed intruder in her house. Luke freaks out and pushes his mother in the next room. Joan thinks she has the upper hand…but then several bullets fly through the window and take both her and Luke out. Nan can’t seem to catch a break.

No need to worry though – Misty arrives quickly to revive Joan as Nan accompanies Luke in an ambulance. Cordelia lurks outside and finds a silver bullet. As she touches one of them she has a vision of a witch hunter shooting Joan. So, is Joan a witch or did he intend to kill Nan and the Ramseys just happened to be there?

 

I’m Ready For My Close Up

Fiona is sick as shit, vomiting frequently and writhing on the floor in pain. She has about a month left to live and the time is slipping away quickly. Luckily Fiona has The Axeman to comfort her. He wants to run away with her and spend that last month together. She doesn’t want her new love to see her decay and he offers up the idea of Fiona killing herself so she could be free of the pain. Fiona doesn’t want to give anyone the satisfaction but...

After another round of puking, Fiona hears music coming from Madison’s bedroom. She’s startled to see Madison dancing around in a red dress. This scene kind of reminds me last season when Sister Mary Eunice danced around in the red lingerie while singing “You Don’t Own Me.” Fiona can’t believe her eyes. Clearly she doesn’t realize no one (but Kaylee) dies on this show. Madison claims she is the next Supreme and says Fiona will burn for slitting her throat and framing Myrtle for Cordelia’s attack. She gives Fiona an ultimatum – burn or swallow a handful of pills and go to sleep.

 

Fiona starts to pack her bags. She’s getting the hell out of here…but wait. Myrtle appears and tells Fiona that Madison, the new Supreme, resurrected her and reiterates Fiona’s choices. Fiona doesn’t want either choice. She tells Myrtle she has found someone she loves, that she belongs to. “He wants to take care of me.” Myrtle not so kindly points out that The Axeman won’t stay til the end and Fiona will die alone anyway…and so Fiona prepares herself for the pills.

 

She reminisces with Myrtle about the selfish detours she has taken in life. She recalls a boy she met at Woodstock. This is a bit random. Is the Woodstock boy Cordelia’s father? Do we care at this point? Fiona asks Myrtle to look after Cordelia, her “most terrible failure.” She picks up a handful of pills and washes them down with a glass of water. As she closes her eyes Myrtle leaves the room…but Spalding appears. What!?!?! Is he resurrected now too?!?!? To my relief he is just a ghost. He tells her he was murdered and remains in the house as a watcher, just as the previous members of his family had been. Spalding tells Fiona she has been tricked and is giving in to a group of lesser witches. He hands Fiona a bottle with a liquid that will expunge the pills. I guess that’s better than an Ajax enema….and she’s used to barfing at this point anyway.  

 

The coven waits downstairs for the new Supreme to reveal herself. Instead, Fiona appears... looking very much like Norma Desmond in Sunset Boulevard. Side Note: Patti LuPone (Joan Ramsey) played Norma Desmond in the London cast of Sunset Boulevard in the early 90s. Fiona congratulates Cordelia on the plan she and the girls concocted. “I’m so proud of you. You really are my daughter.” Cordelia buys into this nonsense quickly and tells Fiona about the witch hunters. They need Fiona now more than ever.

 

The doorbell rings. Again, Spalding and Madam LaLaurie are nowhere to be found to answer it. You can tell Fiona’s wheels are starting to turn as she opens the door. Where is the maid? She receives her answer immediately…the delivery at the front door is Madam LaLaurie’s head in a box. She’s still “alive” so to speak, which is more than we can say for the Minotaur.

 

The episode ends there and I do feel like we are getting somewhere at least. We’ve resurrected just about everyone, we know that Luke is okay but his mother is a whack job, and we’ve caught a glimpse of Frankenkyle possibly just becoming Kyle. What we don’t know is – when will the coven learn that Hank is hunting them and he’s working for Marie? WHO is the next Supreme? How many more episodes until we get a coven vs. voodoo showdown? I’m so glad we don’t have to wait two weeks for the next episode and I’m beyond eager to see what the next AHS hour holds.

AHS Coven: Et Tu, Brute?

Tonight’s episode of American Horror Story: Coven is entitled “The Dead” which gives me an immediate laugh since few people seem to actually die on this show. There’s a lot to be covered in this episode – so much so that it runs an additional ten minutes tonight. Here’s where we are:

 

I Could Have Been A Contender

We flash back to a time when Kyle wasn’t Frankenkyle…when he was just a young guy with a full life ahead of him. He’s out and about with his fraternity brothers doing the bro thing at a tattoo parlor, and he tells them about his big dreams of becoming an engineer. Kyle wants to make a difference in the world, which makes his current predicament that much more sad. He looks down at his arm and ankle and notices the tattoos that his brothers got….so yeah, not his arm or leg. But he remembers? I’m glad he at least recalls happy memories and not just the ones of his mom touching him inappropriately.

Stupid Zoe approaches Kyle with a gun behind her back. She wants to fix the situation. Kyle is doing the moaning/crying thing and he rips the gun out of Zoe’s hands. She can’t allow him to shoot himself though…she’s still too attached. Color me bored with this storyline.

Dead Girl Walking

Madison is still sporting her neat slit throat look and she’s slowly finding out that being brought back isn’t everything she thought it would be. “We think that pain is the worst feeling. It isn’t. How can anything be worse than this eternal silence inside of me?”

  

Madison is able to bond with Kyle over their dead people woes. While Zoe can’t seem to get Kyle to act like anything but a caveman, he does share a tender moment with Madison. And by tender moment…I mean they have dead sex up against the wall. Since Emma Roberts and Evan Peters have been dating for quite a while…might as well give them some naked time together on screen.

 

Was Blind But Now I See

Cordelia wakes up in the middle of the night by the phone on her night stand. Creepy ass Hank is drunk and surrounded by a plethora of guns as he tells her he wants to come home. She hangs up on him (thank you for not being stupid) and goes out in the hallway searching for the maid. Cordelia finds Madison instead…and when she touches her, she sees Fiona slitting her throat. Ohhhh shit!

 

Realizing something has to be done, Cordelia calls Zoe into her office. She calls Zoe “a hot shit witch” and tells her she has a target on her back. Zoe assumes Cordelia is talking about Marie coming after her, but Cordelia quickly clarifies that she is speaking of Fiona. She tells Zoe that Fiona slit Madison’s throat and warns Zoe that she could be next. The young witch is started. She asks what they should do. Cordelia responds: “It’s simple. We’re going to kill my mother. Kill her once, kill her good.” Okay, so Cordelia is starting to become one of my favorites on this show. Who would have thought?

 
Speak No Evil

Spalding awakes to find Zoe in his room. She has restored his tongue and he can speak again. Seems Myrtle had kept Spalding’s tongue after he cut it out (ew) and Zoe came across it when she found the old photos from Miss Robichaux’s last week. Reminding Spalding that his tongue is enchanted to tell the truth, Zoe begins to ask questions. Spalding concedes that he did not kill Madison, that Fiona did, and that he has devoted his life to serving her and the coven. Zoe then kills him. I’m not going to get too invested in that though… let’s see if he actually stays dead for more than an episode.

 

Madison catches up with Zoe just as Zoe is stepping out of the shower…had to wash off Spalding’s blood after all. It’s a bit awkward because Madison doesn’t want to give Kyle up but she also says Zoe can have him too. She leads Zoe into the bedroom where a not so moody Kyle sits on the bed. He’s all sorts of popular today because he ends up having a threesome with the two witches.

The Axeman Really Cometh

Fiona, meanwhile, is preparing to get it on with The Axeman. He takes her home with him (when did he get a home?) and begins to seduce her with bourbon and jazz music. Fiona excuses herself and notices more of her hair falling out in the restroom. What she doesn’t notice is the body in the bathtub. I assume that gentleman is the actual owner of the apartment. Regardless, when she returns to The Axeman, he touches her hair….and she withdraws immediately. He pleads with her, saying this could be their destiny, but Fiona goes into bitch mode and tells him she’s ruined all of her relationships. She goes on a tirade about how he couldn’t possibly want her, couldn’t love her, blah blah blah. But he does convince her to at least stay and have some sex. Dude is smooth. Seriously.

The next morning Fiona gets ready to leave but The Axeman entices her to stay. She remarks that the dead body in the bathroom is going to begin to stink up the place. So she DID notice it! And she was completely unmoved by it? Wow. She’s more desperate for love than I thought she was. The Axeman says they are the same person…and that he has been watching over her since she was 8 years old. Okay, gross…

 

We flash back to Miss Robichaux’s when an 8 year old Fiona was standing up to an older witch (Helen) that the other young girls were afraid of. Helen uses her telekinesis to knock glasses of milk all over the girls sitting at Fiona’s table. Fiona keeps her own glass standing and Helen retaliates by throwing Fiona on the floor. Suddenly, a large shelf falls on Helen…apparently the work of The Axeman.

Present day Fiona now looks nervous. She tells him to explain himself and he confides in Fiona that he has been in love with her pretty much her whole life. Fiona goes back into bitch mode, says she doesn’t believe in ghosts, then leaves. The sexual tension between them though is just unreal.

Fiona isn’t able to stay away from The Axeman long – she shows up and the bar where he plays his saxophone and we can only assume what happens next.

Fiendish Friends?

Precious Queenie is starving (insert joke here) and she can’t find anything in the house to eat. She takes Madam LaLaurie to the nearest fast food drive through window and this entire sequence cracks me up. Madam LaLaurie loves the food…she says to her companion “I’m starting to understand why you’re so enormous!” HAAAAAAAA.

 

Precious Queenie pays Marie a visit. I was wondering how long this would take given Precious Queenie’s voodoo powers. Marie gives her some gumbo and tells her the white bread witches will never accept her. Marie tells Precious Queenie that she can join her in the house of voodoo if she brings her Madam LaLaurie. She refuses to tell Precious Queenie what will happen to the maid…but clearly Precious Queenie is weighing her options here. Wait. Is Marie putting some sort of a heart in the gumbo? Have I been eating improperly made gumbo my whole life?!?!

Precious Queenie goes back to Miss Robichaux’s and makes a plea to be true friends with Madam LaLaurie. She asks the maid to tell her the most awful thing she’s ever done. Madam LaLaurie reveals her one regret…

We flash back to Madam LaLaurie’s plantation where Sally, her slave, has just given birthday to a healthy…pale baby boy. Madam LaLaurie’s husband seems very interested in the boy, even offering up name suggestions. Uh oh. You have pissed off your wife something awful. Madam LaLaurie tells Sally the kitchen is too much for a new mother and asks Sally to become her handmaiden. That night when Sally is helping Madam LaLaurie get ready for bed, the slave torturer reveals that the blood for her facial is fresh from a baby boy. She tells Sally she knows who has been between her legs…and that she needn’t bother to name the child. The next morning Sally threw herself off of the balcony.

My reaction is similar to Precious Queenie’s. Madam LaLaurie tells Precious Queenie that she’s learning how terrible the things were that she did. She also confides that she is very thankful to have a true friend to guide her now. Your move, Precious Queenie.

Against everything I had hoped for her character, Precious Queenie delivers Madame LaLaurie to Marie and I am pisssssssssed. She tricks the maid by telling her she will be getting her hair done and when they arrive at Marie’s shop, Madam LaLaurie is seized by the voodoo witches and tortured...with Precious Queenie making the first cut. We then see Marie giving herself a facial with Madam LaLaurie’s blood. Damn it.

 

And with that…the episode ends and I am very unhappy. I will say that the adorable tiger sweatshirt Madam LaLaurie is wearing in the final scene makes me smile…but my heart also breaks for her and the way Precious Queenie betrays her. Kathy Bates’ performance must be driving this. I can’t think of any other reason why viewing audiences would be sympathetic to a racist slave torturer and murderer. I’m rooting for her now and I need Fiona to get her ass back to Miss. Robichaux’s. Stat.
 

I do have a lingering question though…what ever happened to Luke? He was injured in the zombie raid, taken into the house, and never heard from again. Did I miss something? How am I to know if he’s getting it on with Nan if we never hear about him? Why isn’t his bible beating mother banging down the doors of the academy looking for him? What’s their purpose if we are only going to see them for 1.25 episodes then have them disappear as if they were never a threat to begin with?

We are embarking on a two week hiatus before the show returns again after Thanksgiving. I’m hoping this storyline is addressed or at least wrapped up soon. I also hope we see the return of Myrtle and Misty Day because I think it’s time for Myrtle to raise some hell at Miss Robichaux’s. It’ll be a long break but I bet it will be worth it!

AHS Coven: Come on babe, why don't we paint the town?

With Halloween over AHS: Coven is moving away from zombies but not necessarily away from the dead. The title of tonight’s episode is “The Axeman Cometh” and we are introduced to an interesting and twisted character.  We also check in on some familiar faces we haven’t seen in a while and get some answers to several lingering questions. Here’s where we are:

 

Jazz Hands

We flash back to 1919 where The Axeman roams the streets of New Orleans, killing its inhabitants at will. The Axeman is based on a real person and is played here by Danny Huston.  He arms himself with a suitcase for his saxophone which also doubles as a carrier for his murder weapon. Is he crazy? Crazy about Jazz.  The killer places an advertisement in the newspaper stating that he will take more lives but will only choose victims in houses that are not playing jazz music. Curious. The ladies of Miss Robichaux’s Academy won’t stand for this. Led by Lily (played by Meryl Streep’s daughter, Grace Gummer), the young witches rebel against the wishes of The Axeman. As he strolls through New Orleans he is pleased to hear jazz music playing loudly from each house….each house but Miss Robichaux’s.  Shrill opera music beckons The Axeman to the upstairs bedrooms of the house where he finds Lily and some tarot cards. She flips over the “death” card and suddenly the witches surround him, stabbing The Axeman repeatedly Julius Caesar style.

 

Stupid Zoe?

Still on a mission to find Madison, Zoe searches the missing witch’s room searching for clues. Seems Madison has a storage area filled with pictures of the past residents of the academy. Zoe shares this information with Precious Queenie and Nan, showing them that each class picture shows fewer and fewer witches. She tells her sister witches that they all need to look out for each other…that they are all dying off. Zoe then whips out a spirit board to try to contact Madison. They make contact with a spirit right away – the spirit of someone murdered in the house. It’s The Axeman. Way to go Zoe.

In their research the young witches discover The Axeman’s gruesome past. Nan and Precious Queenie each have a brain in their heads so they want nothing more to do with the spirit board or The Axeman. Stupid Zoe (that’s her name now) contacts the killer again, telling him that she will release him if he reveals Madison’s location. The spirit spells out the word “attic” on the board and Stupid Zoe is reunited with Madison’s decomposing remains. Ew.

The girls tie Spalding up and torture him. Nan is brought in to read his mind (why couldn’t we have gone this route several episodes ago?) and Spalding admits to killing Madison. The way Nan translates his narratives about sex with her corpse is hilarious. The witches aren’t buying his story…they don’t think Spalding killed Madison but they are pretty sure he knows what happened to her.

It’s Going To Get Worse Before It Gets Better

Fiona tries her hand at chemotherapy and as she sits through the treatment she discovers that she has the power to read the minds of the patients around her. She explains to the doctor that she’s only doing this for Cordelia. Her daughter needs her now and she wants to beat cancer. Fiona also says that she’s not ready to go yet….that she wants one more great love affair…just to “belong to somebody.”

 

Cordelia makes it home from the hospital and Fiona is there to welcome her. Hank tries to help his wife into bed, but when he touches her…she again sees him getting it on with Kaylee. “Who is she? Who is the red head?” Ha! You’re screwed, Hank. She tells him to get out and he goes quietly. Fiona is thrilled to see this all unfold and starts to comfort her daughter. When Fiona touches Cordelia, however, Cordelia sees Myrtle burning at the stake. She can’t believe Myrtle would ever try to hurt her….and Fiona also leaves the room with her tail between her legs.

The Witch Hunter

So we knew Hank is a killer…and we knew he’s pretty rambunctious in the sack. What we did not know was – he is a witch hunter employed by Marie. He accuses Marie of attacking Cordelia, which she immediately denies, and he explains that Cordelia has a second sight now and the jig is up. Seems Hank has not only been knocking off the witches at the academy over the years, he has also been tracking and killing other Salem witch descendants as well. He’s successfully slayed 9 descendants in 3 years.
 

We flash back to a time where Kaylee (yay!) visited Miss Robichaux’s Academy. She apparently has the power to start fires with her mind when she’s angry and she isn’t quite sure what to do about it. She decides the school is not for her because she wants a normal life with a husband and kids. Hank listens in on the conversation Kaylee has with Cordelia and knows exactly how to lure her in.

Marie scolds Hank…telling him he’s in love with Cordelia and has turned soft. His judgement has been clouded and he has allowed the current witches at Miss Robichaux’s to run amuck (I’ve been dying to throw in a Hocus Pocus reference). Marie then has the line of the night though: “When I plant a fat ass cracker bitch, I expect her to stay planted.” HA!!!! Marie wants all of their heads, including Cordelia’s. She tells Hank that if he kills them all…she will let him live.

Misty’s Magic Touch

Off in Misty Day land, Myrtle is being nursed back to help which makes me very happy. And I had almost forgotten about our modern day Frankenstein when he shows up in her…garden? Is that what that area is? Regardless, Misty takes Kyle in her house and bathes him while listening to Stevie Nicks. He seems to be having flashbacks to a time when his mother also, um, assisted his naked body and he flips out. He even breaks Stevie which is a shame. Seriously, that’s the one thing Misty has going for her in her solitude. Stupid Zoe walks in just as Misty calls him a monster and she orders him out of her house.
 

Stupid Zoe didn’t just come for a visit, however. She wants Misty to bring Madison back to life. Does anybody actually die on this show!?!?! Can we please bring back Kaylee? This is getting ridiculous. Misty tries to work her magic, but it’s tough given how long Madison has been dead. Misty says she needs help and asks Zoe to push on the dead witch’s stomach. Madison promptly wakes up and asks for a cigarette. Heh. So wait. Does Stupid Zoe have the power of resurgence now or was she just able to channel her energy with Misty's? Is she becoming the next Supreme?
 

Back at the house…Madison can’t remember how she died. She only remembers “red.” She tells her friends that there is nothing on the other side. No white light. No beautiful afterlife. It’s just black.

 

I See Dead People

Cordelia struggles in her current predicament. She’s blind, her husband is a douche, and she’s realizing that her new “gift” of clarity might be more of a curse. She gets ready for bed….but someone is in the room with her....and she can kind of see him. The Axeman approaches her and demands release. She screams and Stupid Zoe realizes she pissed off the wrong spirit. She gathers Precious Queenie and Nan and thinks they are saying a spell to help The Axeman move on, but what they do instead is release him to the outside world. Again, way to go Zoe.
 

No jazz music plays on the streets but The Axeman does find a bar with suitable ambiance. Fiona is there drowning her sorrows. Her hair has begun to fall out and she’s losing hope. The Axeman sits down beside her. “Well hello, pretty lady. Whatcha drinkin?”  Is this Fiona’s last great love affair? Oh my…

  

 

And with that, the episode comes to a close. Just as everyone in Season 1 of American Horror Story seemed to die and get stuck in the murder house, everyone in Season 3 dies but then not really. So far though, it doesn’t seem like those who cheated death have had or will have a lifetime of happiness to show for it. The remaining episodes could easily prove me wrong though. Is being reborn worth it?
 

We finally have some good stuff going on with Cordelia and Hank’s revelation is an awesome twist. I missed seeing Madame LaLaurie during this hour though and I desperately need Myrtle to wake up. Will she ruin Fiona’s potential love life? With Marie wanting her head, does Fiona have a chance at all? Can Zoe be less stupid from now on? Will Cordelia’s second sight take her a step further, revealing Hank and Fiona’s roles as killers? I think shit is going to hit the fan very, very soon.

AHS Coven: Are You My Mother?

When last week’s episode of American Horror Story: Coven ended, the inhabitants of Miss Robichaux’s had a zombie infestation on their hands. Marie had launched an attack on the witches through some crazy voodoo shit,  a mystery person had launched an attack on Stupid Cordelia, and Spalding had launched an attack on my eyeballs with his dead girl tea party. Here's where we are now:

 

Mommy Issues

While serving as the new maid for Miss Robichaux academy, Madame LaLaurie doesn’t know what to make of the trick-or-treaters. She remembers Halloween celebrations a little differently. We flash back to an All Hallow’s Eve party in 1833 where she has put her slave torturing to a different use. Most of us have been through Halloween attractions where the houses include fake blood, rubber limbs, candy eye balls and so on. Well, Madame LaLaurie has put together her own “chamber of horrors,” but she goes for authenticity with real body parts and organs from her captive slaves.  No one can throw parties like she can I guess.

 

Madame LaLaurie’s antics embarrass her three daughters, none of whom can retain any suitors because of Momma drives them away quickly. The girls discuss offing their mother…after all, who would suspect three young grieving daughters of foul play? This would have been fine and dandy if Momma hadn’t been listening in on the conversation. She drags the ladies to the attic and tortures them appropriately.

 

As we return to present day, Madame LaLaurie opens the front door to dole out some Halloween candy…only to find the zombie version of her three daughters staring back at her.

 

She slams the door  quickly and warns everyone that “Hell has arrived on our doorstep.” It suuuuure has. The witches are freaking out and Precious Queenie is still too weak from her adventure (we'll just call it an adventure) with the Minotaur to be of much help. Madame LaLaurie sends her back to bed and heads to the kitchen to get her some ice. Zombie daughter #1 arrives at the kitchen door and Madame LaLaurie hopes to reunite with her.  She's very emotional as she tries to reach her...

 

“Borquita. What has she done to you? No.  What have I done to you? Borquita, there must be... something still inside you that... that... knows the mother who bore you. Come back to me, child.  I would make amends. Borquita? You do know me.”

Yup, she knows you…which is exactly why she starts to choke you. Precious Queenie hears a noise outside her bedroom door and finds Borquita standing over Spalding with a candlestick (it’s taking everything I have not to make a Clue reference here). Precious Queenie starts stabbing herself, slitting her own throat and other self mutilation, trying to use her voodoo abilities to kill the zombie. Madame LaLaurie appears behind Boquita and successfully kills her with a fire poker. “She had a monster for a mother.  This last act was the only kindness I ever did for her.” And with that, Madame LaLaurie sobs while Precious Queenie holds her.

 

The Walking Dead

Meanwhile the gorgeous yet dumb next door neighbor, Luke, thinks all of this is a prank and marches outside to tell these “punks” a thing or two. Some actual punks arrive and the zombies rip them to pieces. One zombie also puts an axe in Luke’s back. Shout out to Grace and Alma from Season 2! Nan rushes to his rescue while Zoe tries to figure out where the witches can hide. She suggests the attic but Spalding appears quickly and shakes his head…apparently if you are a witch with a pulse, you are not invited to the tea party.  Bummer for Madison. She’s just sitting up there decomposing all by her lonesome….There’s not enough Lysol in the world, Spalding. Just not enough.

As Nan drags Luke to a car for sex safety, Zoe makes her way outside to distract the zombies and save the day. Armed with a chainsaw, she starts quickly dismembering the unwanted guests. She’s no Michonne, but her method is effective, allowing Nan and Luke to get safely back inside the house. Unfortunately the chainsaw runs out of juice as the final zombie closes in on Zoe. She discovers a new power and drops the dude by using…The Force? What did she do exactly? Marie doesn’t know either but she realizes there is some definite power in the witch house.

Love Is Blind

Fiona finds a screaming Cordelia just outside of the restroom in the bar they had been bonding at. She realizes that her daughter has been attacked and as she screams for someone to call an ambulance, Fiona notices a hooded figure slinking out the door.

At the hospital, the doctor informs Fiona that someone splashed sulfuric acid in Cordelia’s eyes and she is now blind. Fiona helps herself to a medication storage room and gets high as a kite, staggering through the hallways until she thinks she sees the hooded figure. This reminds me of Sister Jude’s drunken walk through the asylum last season…where she (maybe) came face to face with an alien. No such luck here though. Fiona instead finds herself in a delivery room where a young mother has just given birth to a stillborn little girl. Fiona hands the baby to her mother and tells the woman “you have to hold them close so they feel safe.” The young woman is terrified...and probably a little grossed out. “Tell her you love her. Tell her how beautiful she is. Tell her ‘I’ll be your mother until the day you die.’” Creepy, but awesome. Fiona is able to bring the baby back to life and leaves the room just as the child starts breathing.

She sits at her own daughter’s bedside now, thinking about her failures as a mother. Hank arrives

and he and Fiona have a spat over who sucks more. The nurse asks one of them to leave and Fiona peaces out, telling Hank he has 15 minutes to be with Cordelia. As he leans forward to comfort his wife, Cordelia’s eye’s fly open. She sees Hank having sex with Kaylee, so she clearly has developed a new power as well. Now that she’s blind…she is able to see the truth. Wait a minute! Cordelia FINALLLLLY got interesting!

This Girl Is On Fire

The Council arrives again, charging Fiona with gross neglect, malfeasance, and a willful disregard for the well-being of the coven. They demand her abdication as Supreme of the coven, and since a new Supreme has not yet been revealed, the coven will fall under the council of….The Council. The decision is unanimous and final. Fiona is coming apart at the seams. She has ammo.  “Our enemy hides in plain sight.” Wait. What? Fiona accuses Myrtle of attacking Cordelia, ripping off Myrtle’s gloves to reveal an acidic burn on her hands. Adding insult to injury, Fiona informs the other members of The Council that Myrtle had been in town when Madison went missing, showing them photos of Myrtle’s hotel room….as well as the pictures of Fiona that Myrtle had pinned to the wall. Uh oh. Myrtle looks guilty as hell.

She confesses to nothing, but The Council turns on her quickly. “Burn the witch.” Myrtle’s tears at that moment break my heart. I don’t want her to be the bad guy and I sure as hell don’t want her to die! Alas, the witches escort Myrtle to a remote area, and they do indeed burn her at the stake. It’s difficult to watch…and it makes me very sad.

 

When the witches return home Precious Queenie approaches Fiona. She and asks the Supreme if they framed a guilty woman or an innocent one. WHAT?!?! Apparently just as Fiona was ripping the glove off of Myrtle’s hand, Precious Queenie was shoving her own hand in a jar of acid. Mytle was innocent! I’m sooooo pissed now. Precious Queenie is dealing with a ton of guilt. She says she can’t live with it. For a second I think Fiona might kill her, but instead she blows some smoke up her ass and tells Precious Queenie that she can help her reach her full potential. She says Precious Queenie maybe even be the next Supreme. Riiiight. Fiona will probably just kill her later.

We go back to the stake, the crispy remains of Myrtle and…Misty Day! Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. Is she going to bring Myrtle back? She is! The episode ends with Myrtle’s charred eyes bursting open. Fantastic.

In this hour we saw a LOT of mommy/daughter troubles and several attempts at redemption. I’m sure the young mother in the hospital felt like shit when her baby started breathing and she hadn’t wanted to see her. But on the flip side, this was also Fiona’s redemption. She was helping another family get a fresh start…telling the young woman to do what she never did with Cordelia. We witnessed Madame LaLaurie grasp just how awful she was to her daughters. When push came to shove, she “killed” the zombie version of her child hoping to bring her peace. Madam LaLaurie also seems to be taking on a mother role with Precious Queenie. She hasn’t called her “slave” in several episodes…I call that a win for both characters.

This is probably my favorite episode of the season so far. Though we still have no idea what’s going on with Kyle (he would have totally fit in with the zombies if he had showed up), I’m completely fine putting him on the backburner for some good Halloween fun. I’m excited to see what Misty does with scorched Myrtle…and if Myrtle is not the person who attacked Cordelia, who is? And will Cordelia also see that Hank killed Kaylee or just that Hank is a cheating bastard? And why did Hank kill her?!?! Still bitter. Hopefully these issues will take a front seat next week because I spend entirely too much of my time wracking my brain with these questions.   

AHS Coven: Pretty Little Liars

Halloween is approaching the ladies of Coven and the buildup is beyond intense. Each week this season gets better and better and tonight is no exception. Here’s where we are…

 

The Trouble with Kyle

In the aftermath of Kyle’s gruesome disposal of his mother, Zoe isn’t quite sure how to pick up the pieces. She goes with making him some tuna fish…assuming he must be starving. Well, yes, I suppose one works up an appetite bludgeoning one’s mother to death. Zoe looks through the kitchen cabinets and her eyes linger on a box of rat poison. Does she mix it in his lunch? Would it even matter since he’s a Picasso combo of dead boy parts? Does he even eat? We don’t find out – by the time Zoe returns to Kyle to feed him, he’s gone and we don’t hear anything else about him in this hour.   

 

The Ministry of Magic?

The Council arrives at the academy and we finally learn who Frances Conroy’s character is this season. We had caught a glimpse of her in the first episode when Zoe was being escorted from her home, but now we realize that she is Myrtle Snow - part of the governing body of the coven itself. She leads Quentin and Pimbrooke, the other two Council members, and they have arrived to look into the disappearance of Madison Montgomery…which no one has even bothered to mention til now. Stupid Cordelia really must be the worst academy head ever.

 

As the inhabitants of the academy are questioned, Myrtle proclaims that the penalty of inflicting harm against descendants from the Salem witches is death by fire. Cordelia continues her campaign of being the most useless character this season by stating that “Madison is a spirited girl. The fact that she stayed out all night is hardly a shock.”  When asked if Cordelia loses track of her resident witches often, she replies that Madison has had more success at the academy than any other rehab facility she’s been sentenced to. So wait – does she mean other witchy places or actual rehab facilities? I wish this woman would give me some sort of useful information at some point this season.

 

When the questioning is nearly completed, Myrtle accuses Fiona of having a hand in the disappearance of both Anna-Lee and Madison, calling out her failures as a Supreme as well. Clearly these two have quite a rivalry…

 

….Flashing back again to Miss Robichaux’s Academy in 1971 we see the aftermath of Anna-Lee’s murder. The Council at that time totally buys into Fiona’s story that the former Supreme just disappeared…as well as the notion that Anna-Lee had chosen her to be the next Supreme. A young Myrtle looks on, livid, and she swears that the truth will come out. She even goes so far as to curse creepy Spalding’s tongue so he cannot tell a lie when The Council calls him in for questioning. Later on that night, Spalding professes his love for Fiona then cuts out his tongue, spoiling Myrtle’s plans…

 

Back in the present, Myrtle is hell bent on bringing Fiona to justice. She screams at a very cool, calm and collected Fiona “You killed Anna-Lee because she was the last Supreme! And you killed an innocent girl because she was the next Supreme!”  The woman is spiraling out of control when Stupid Cordelia pipes up, telling Myrtle she has it all wrong. She explains that Madison couldn’t have been the next Supreme – Madison had a heart condition that was kept a secret from just about everyone, and the hallmark of a rising Supreme is glowing, radiant health. FINALLY! Stupid Cordelia serves a purpose! On the flip side though, Fiona killed Madison for no reason and the new Supreme has yet to be discovered. D’oh!

 

Fiona recognizes that Stupid Cordelia saved her ass and takes her out for a drink. Time for some mother/daughter bonding? Maybe let bygones be bygones? Not exactly. The tone between the two is not 100% friendly, nor are they 100% with each other in their conversation, but hey - they do know how to toss back some alcohol. Cordelia even pukes in the bathroom (too much to drink, or is she pregnant after all?) just before a cloaked figure throws acid in her face. She’s screwed for a number of reasons, which brings us to…

 

 

Dirty Little Secret

Stupid Cordelia is also missing her husband this week as Hank has taken an odd job in Baton Rouge. Seems he is not a very consistent bread winner for the family. His client arrives at the door and I am overjoyed to see Kaylee, played by Alexandra Breckenridge (Young Moira from Season 1).  Oh how I’ve missed her. Apparently so has Hank. He gives her one hell of a welcome in the bedroom…one that would even make Young Moira blush. Sooo he’s a liar and a cheater? Neat.

 

The two spend their post banging time dining on what appears to be burritos and soup and sharing small talk about the places they’ve been. They apparently met online with Hank telling his mistress that he’s a USDA Inspector who is traveling for work. The conversation is pleasant, but Kaylee is starting develop feelings for Hank and she expresses concern that he’s going to break her heart.  Nope. But he is going to put a bullet in her head.

 

Hank is a killer? Is that his job or his hobby?!? Can we sick Nan on this guy to read his thoughts asap?

 

Disgusting Little Secret

Denis O’Hare has his work cut out for him with his creepy character, Spalding. The butler/house man/groundskeeper…whatever he is…just went from creepy to revolting. Remember when Fiona slit Madison’s throat and told Spaulding to get rid of the mess? I guess he could have easily buried her or burned her; but what fun is that when you can keep her in your room as a new doll for your tea parties? Just put a scarf around that nasty neck wound and you’re all set, buddy.

 

My Precioussss

Fiona finds Precious Queenie injured and crying on the floor of the greenhouse. Seems her efforts to, um, make the Minotaur happy were unsuccessful…or he just had an odd way of thanking her. Either way. Fiona has to wake Stupid Cordelia quickly to work her medicinal magic on the young voodoo witch with her various herbs and potions. When Precious Queenie stops breathing I almost expect Misty Day to save the day, rolling up with a boom box blasting “Hold Me,” but instead…Fiona literally breathes life back into the girl. She has that capability? I guess she’s able to give life the same way she sucked it out of that doctor in episode 1?  She’s far more powerful than I had anticipated though. Marie better watch her back.

 

Madame LaLaurie appears in the shadows to ask about Precious  Queenie. She’s humble, telling Fiona that Precious Queenie saved her, and she seems genuine in her hopes that the young witch will be okay. Are we seeing this character transform already? I was hoping Kathy Bates would portray a villain we could root for this season, but the sudden switch from slave torturer to a tearful “she saved me” maid has been a bit too abrupt for me. I realize she’s had almost two centuries to reflect on her mistakes and their consequences, but during that time period she was also buried alive and unaware of the cultural changes around her. A voodoo witch murdered Madame LaLaurie’s family and then put her in the ground to live forever with that guilt. One would think it would take a villain more time to warm up to a young voodoo witch like Precious Queenie.

 

Oh, were you wondering what happened to the Minotaur? Fiona decapitated it and sent the head to Marie. The scene would have been exponentially better if Brad Pitt had run up to the door yelling “what’s in the boooooooooooooooooox!?!?!”

 

 

Bringing Out the Dead

We flash back to New Orleans in 1961 where Henry, an African-American boy attending his first day at an integrated high school, is murdered by a group of white males.  Henry’s mom worked for Marie at the hair salon, and Marie’s method of vengeance is unexpected. Using some sort of voodoo spell with too many snakes on screen to mention, Marie raises bodies from the ground at the local cemetery…channels them…then uses them to slaughter the racist thugs who killed the boy.

 

In present day, we can only imagine how pissed Marie is about her beloved Minotaur. She is ready to break the truce between the two covens now and tells her followers they best stay out of her way. Her arms go crazy, her eyes bulge, the chalk is flying, and Halloween in New Orleans just got very exciting. Are those trick-or-treaters at the door, Madame LaLaurie? Nope – those are effing ZOMBIES! 
 

 

Halloween continues in the next episode as the living dead launch an attack on Miss Robichaux’s Academy. As we prepare for Part 2 of this haunted pandemonium, some questions linger from the episode: Who is The Council exactly? How are they chosen?  Also, wtf is going on with Spalding? Is Madison the only body in his attic? Will we see a very decaying Anna-Lee there at some point as well? Can we additionally somehow summon Misty Day to Baton Rouge to resurrect Kaylee? It was such a tease to have her arrive and then die all within 30 minutes. And finally, not that I’m certain I care, who attacked Cordelia?

 

The Halloween episodes never disappoint on AHS. The previews for next episode show a face-off between Fiona and Myrtle as well as someone being burned at the stake. Here’s hoping it’s not Round 2 of Misty Day vs. the mob…but I can’t wait to find out!