TWD Season 7 Premiere: The Day Will Come When You Won't Be

I wish that I could give you all an excited and genuine "Welcome Back!" but after the Season 7 premiere of The Walking Dead, I'm just drained. When we last left our heroes, the newly empowered Alexandria group was realizing that they had no reason to celebrate. Their mission to destroy Negan and his group was a failed one and someone was just about to pay the price. Who, you ask? We are not spared any details as this cliffhanger resumes. Here's where we are after "The Day Will Come When You Won't Be."

The Show Must Go On

The episode opens with a closeup on Rick. He has someone else's blood on his face and a look of anguish that lets us know that Negan's eeny, meeny, miny, moe game is over. Rick looks up and says "I'm gonna kill you. Not today. Not tomorrow. But I'm gonna kill you." Negan looks to one of his followers and asks for a weapon. Simon offers a hatchet. Negan looks back at Rick and says "Simon's my right hand man. Having one of those is important. I mean, what do you have left without one?...You have one? Or did I?" He then shows us the very bloody Lucille and grabs the hatchet. Rick is still attempting to stare Negan down when Negan grabs him by the collar and throws him into the RV. Cue the opening music.

Negan leaves the hatchet hacked in the RV table as he starts the engine, pretty much daring Rick to try to kill him with it. Problem is...Negan has a gun so Rick's efforts remain fruitless. Negan beats him up a little and says "Think about what happened. Think about what can still happen." He stops the RV, throws the hatchet out into the foggy hoard of Walkers outside and tells Rick to go get it. He seriously wants to make Rick his bitch and he is succeeding. Rick is pushed outside and has to fend Walkers off him with his bare hands in his search for the hatchet. Throughout his struggle, we see Rick have flashbacks of his loved ones. Smokin' Hot Rosita is first, then Glenn, Sasha, Eugene, Aaron, Abraham, Maggie, Daryl, Michonne, and Carl. Rick finds the hatchet on top of the RV (how'd it get there?) and we go back to the moment Negan began his eeny, meeny, miny, moe song and dance.

Negan's bat points at everyone and the suspense is unreal. Ultimately...the "you are it" lands on Abraham. Shit. Sasha and Rosita begin to sob as Abraham continues to keep his emotions in check. Abraham takes one blow and comes right back up on his knees, saying "suck my nuts." Thank god for that. I needed to smile just for a second before the rest of the bloodshed. We see Negan beat the holy hell out of Abraham, smashing his head into a gooey mess. He walks over to Rosita and taunts her with the bloody bat. Daryl can't take it. He attacks Negan and I yell "what the #$%! are you doing?!?!" Negan already said he would cut out Carl's other eye and feed it to Rick if anyone moved. Daryl! You idiot! Negan is pissed. "That is a no no. Not one bit of that shit flies here." Negan's followers have Daryl pinned to the ground and that douchebag Dwight approaches with Daryl's crossbow. He is once again ready to kill Daryl with his own weapon but Negan stops him. "That's not how it works. I already told you people. First one is free...and then I told you I will shut that shit down! No exceptions....so back to it." He turns and bashes Glenn in the head twice. Glenn manages to sit up. His eyeball is popping out of his head. He mumbles "Maggie, I'll find you" just before Negan brings his bat down again. And again. And again until Glenn's head also becomes a gooey mess. Maggie's face is almost more difficult to watch than the beating.

Now we're back to the opening moments of the episode and switch over to Rick on top of the RV. He has just re-lived the whole thing in his mind and is laying on the roof, defeated. I'm still not 100% clear on how the hatchet ended up on the roof, but Negan fires some bullets in the RV ceiling and wakes Rick from his own personal hell. Rick makes his way back on the ground with the hatchet, Negan shoots the surrounding Walkers, and Rick uses the hatchet to kill the zombie stragglers and get back inside the RV.

Outside The Dawn Is Breaking

It's morning when Negan brings Rick back to the beating site. The rest of the group is still on their knees and I have no idea how Maggie is still thriving. She looked like death in the Season 6 finale and I thought she was losing the baby. Is she just in shock?

Negan has cleaned the hatchet and given it to Rick. He drags Rick to the center of the semi-circle of horror and tells the group that the excursion didn't work. Rick is still looking at him the same way he did at the opening of the episode. Negan asks his guys to point their guns at the remaining members of the Grimes gang. He asks Carl to join him in the center and for a moment all I can think is "I really hope he's going to give Carl a haircut. That shit is ridiculous." Instead, Negan takes his belt and tightens it around Carl's arm. He draws a line on Carl's forearm and pushes the kid on the ground. He instructs Rick to chop Carl's arm off at the line in order to save the rest of his people. OH MY GOD. Would they really do this to Carl? Don't get me wrong. I can't STAND Carl. But really? Take his eye and then part of his arm? And leave his hair? The people who run this show are cruel S.O.Bs. Rick is sobbing and begging. Carl whispers "just do it" and Rick raises the hatchet. I can't breathe. Just as he is about to bring the weapon down...Negan stops him. Whew. Rick is officially Negan's bitch and essentially says so.

Having gotten the answer he wanted, Negan lets the group know he is satisfied. "Today was a productive damn day. Now I hope for all of your sake that you 'get it' now...that you understand how things work. Things have changed. Whatever you had going for you is over now." He also lets the group know that he is taking Daryl. "He has guts. I like him. He's mine now." Negan and his crew leave the RV behind for the Grimes gang and head home.

I Have To Find The Will To Carry On

The group does not get up right away. They don't look at each other. Finally Maggie stands and begins to walk and I'm still wondering how that's possible. She wants to fight Negan but she is alone. Given what everyone else has just seen, unconditional surrender seems like the better idea. Sasha then looks at Rosita and tearfully says "I'm taking him." I can't even imagine transporting those bodies home, vehicle or no vehicle. Maggie at this point is bent over Glenn's body and sobbing. Carl, Aaron, and Rick lift Glenn as Rosita, Sasha and Eugene lift Abraham. With everyone in the RV, Rick picks the hatchet up from the gravel and climbs into the driver's seat. In the rear view mirror he sees a hungry Walker eating the brains from Abraham and Glenn's blood piles.

The episode ends there and I truly, honestly, seriously have never felt as nauseous watching a TV show as I did tonight. I'll admit that I heard rumors that Abraham and Glenn would meet their end tonight and it was kind of brilliant of the show runners to choose both of them. In the comics Glenn has an epic death with Lucille, so loyal fans of the books probably would have been disappointed if that death completely went to someone else. On the flip side, Abraham was supposed to die with the arrow through the eyeball the way Denise did, so a good number of people were expecting his demise in the Season 6 finale. Answering the burning "which one is it!?!?" question people had all summer, the show runners said "both - gotcha!" 

"The Day Will Come When You Won't Be" obviously focused just on the Negan semi-circle of terror, but next week we should expand and at least catch up with Morgan and Carol as they make their way to The Kingdom to meet Ezekiel. Will we follow Negan home and find out what happens to Daryl as well? Will Tara come back from her supply run with Heath and realize Denise is eyeball-less and lifeless? Will anyone even give a shit at that point given Abraham and Glenn's death by barbed wire bat? Will Sasha go all crazypants again like she did after Bob and Tyreese died? I'm beginning to think TWD might hate her more than Tara at this point. Now please excuse me while I go try to erase the images of bloody, headless Abraham and Glenn from my mind.

AHS Roanoke: Chapter 6

Okay American Horror Story. Consider my mind blown. When we last left the Millers they had escaped The Butcher, the hillbillies, and the $40,000 farm house. They had finished their story in documentary land and we could assume they were off embarking on a semi-normal life again. However, Chapter 6 takes a turn somewhere I didn't even think about and I am so excited to see what comes next. Here's where we are after the hour...

This Ain't A Song For The Brokenhearted 

The episode opens just like another documentary would. Apparently the show within the show, My Roanoke Nightmare, was the television success story of 2015. Of course the network was hungry for a sequel...so now we go to Cheyenne Jackson as the "genius producer" Sydney Aaron James, and he is pitching a reality show in the farmhouse as Season 2. Here's the real selling point though - the real people from the documentary as well as the actors who played them will all be locked in the house together during the 3 days of the blood moon. Now my first thought is: no chance in hell the Millers will go back there if their story was true. My second thought is: I hope Gaga is there. 

The role of a lifetime...

If you were wondering what happened to the Millers after the show aired, Shelby and Matt split up. Seems she got a little too friendly with Dominic Banks (Cuba Gooding Jr.) who played her husband in the re-enactment scenes. Lee has been painted as a villain and her life is pretty miserable. The viewers of the show believe she killed Mason and they are pissed the mystery was never solved. Matt is willing to go back to the house (again, whyyyyy) and Shelby hopes that being locked in the house with Matt will help them reconcile. Lee agrees to be part of Season 2 as well because she feels she was portrayed badly in Season 1. 

On his quest to get this new reality show started, Sydney goes back into interview mode and we meet The Butcher actress, Agnes Mary Winstead (still Kathy Bates). She is cray cray. Apparently she got a little toooooo into character and after they finished shooting the re-enactment scenes, she had a total breakdown and stumbled through the streets of Hollywood with a cleaver in hand, talking like The Butcher. She then spent some time in a mental health facility. Agnes is super calm in this interview though and is eager to get back to the show. Sydney informs her that there is no chance she will be allowed anywhere near the house and serves her with a restraining order. She flips out and starts talking like The Butcher as the camera crew leaves. You better watch out Syd. Apparently she will smite thee. 

We also learn that the actors who played Shelby and Edward, Audrey Tindall and Rory Monahan (still Sarah Paulson and Evan Peters) fell in love during My Roanoke Nightmare and got married. It's noted that she's quite a bit older than he is. Also, he's a douchebag with 3 brain cells. If you're curious about what happened to the actress who played Lee in My Roanoke Nightmare, Monet Tumusiime (still Angela Bassett) now has a drinking problem. I guess she also got a little too much into character?

When They're Calling You Out 

Sydney actually owns the farmhouse now. He bought it from Matt before they started shooting the re-enactment scenes. So, the re-enactment scenes were shot in the same house...but no one died during filming? That seems odd. For Season 2 Sydney enlists a crew of people to rig areas in the house to shake, break, and make noises to help get the reactions out of the stars of the show. His assistant, Diana, is not thrilled with any of this. She's especially pissed off when a crew member "accidentally" saws his own head off with a chainsaw on camera and Sydney wants to keep everything on schedule immediately after the body is taken away. She gets in her car and drives away, talking into her own dashboard documentary camera. Diana stops her car suddenly when she sees a woman in colonial garb and then decides she has no intention of finding out who that person is. She starts to drive again...and is grabbed by something dead and creepy in her back seat. The picture goes fuzzy and words pop up on the screen that tell us Diana's footage was recovered but her body was never found. 

The Millers and the actors begin arriving at the house and we see the happy newlyweds wondering through the dining room discussing Rory's next project. Someone is outside the window though...looks like the Butcher and she smashes the glass instantly. Audrey had a run-in with Agnes recently after she won the Saturn Award for best actress, beating out The Butcher. The 911 call is hilarious. Audrey is now not on board with this reality show and Sydney guarantees her that Agnes is nowhere on the grounds. He then takes away everyone's cell phones and replaces them with phones that have a working camera only. On his way out, Sydney also tells Matt he is rooming with Shelby and Matt opts to sleep in the basement instead. Ouch. 

The Millers all make dramatic exits from the main room and Monet, Audrey, and Rory grab a bite to eat in the kitchen. They discuss how they all feel that The Millers' story was bullshit because they filmed My Roanoke Nightmare in the house for 8 weeks and nothing happened. However, their shoot was in the summer and not during the blood moon...which now appears outside the kitchen window. Matt enters and points it out to everyone but he's mocked by the actors. Words then flash on the screen telling us all but one person died in those three days of filming. WHOA!

Just A Face In The Crowd

There's a knock on the door. Dominic has arrived and Shelby is pissssssssssssed. Sydney promised her Dominic would not be part of Season 2 and yet here he is. Matt wastes no time trying to beat the shit out of him. The commotion interrupts Lee and Monet trading insults in the kitchen ("I'm a drunk because of you, you murdering bitch!") as well as Rory's post-sex relaxation in the hot tub outside. He and Audrey broke that in right away. Audrey had already gone upstairs to shower and missed the fight...but she ends up with her own confrontation as Mr. Piggy is waiting in her bathroom when she climbs out of the tub. 

Everyone rushes to Audrey as she runs down the stairs in her towel screaming. Rory hands Audrey off to Dominic and runs upstairs, cursing Sydney's name. He searches the bedrooms ready for a fight but instead of Mr. Piggy...he encounters the two nurses and they stab the shit out of him. Right at that moment Matt walks into the dining room and sees MURDER written on the wall. You'll recall that the letters M,U,R,D, and E were written on the wall last time as the nurses were mangled by The Butcher before they could complete the R. Mission accomplished. Matt walks into the kitchen where the rest of the group has congregated and says "R is for Rory."

The episode ends there and I love what's happening on this show right now. The re-enactment actors have their own identities, quite unlike the people they played in the re-enactment, and the idea to throw them all together during the blood moon is brilliant. Again, I think the Millers continue their path of complete stupidity in participating, but we know that because of this at least two of them do not survive the three days in hell. Maybe all three of them? Who is the one person that survives? Shelby? Matt? Lee? And then they pin the murders on Lee because everyone believes her to be a murderer anyway? I'm not sure where this will lead but I sure as hell can't wait to find out. 

AHS Roanoke: Chapter 5

Tonight we see (maybe) the conclusion of the Miller tale, or as I like to call it: the "how do you buy a farm house for $40k without knowing anything about it?" saga. We are also treated to the story behind the physical origin of this, um, dream home and I honestly wish that portion had lasted longer. How are we nearing the end only 5 episodes in you ask? I think Ryan Murphy is really shaking things up this season. Here's where we are after Chapter 5. 

How Bout A Round Of Applause

The episode opens in the interview setting with historian Doris Kearns Goodwin narrating the history of the farm house known as the Big Shaker Mansion. Probably a better name than all of the ones I've come up with for that house. Anyway, the house was built in 1792 by Edward Philippe Mott. Wait. Mott? As in Dandy and Gloria Mott from Freak Show? Has to be a connection there, right?  I was only joking last week about Twisty coming back but maybe Roanoke will throw me a bone!

Going into re-enactment mode we see Edward (welcome back Evan Peters!) at an art auction where he walks in the room and tells everyone to leave because he'll be purchasing the whole lot and will not be outbid. He's stupid rich and no one challenges him. Dude sure knows how to make an entrance. Edward is obsessed with artwork - so much so that he purchased the tainted farm land to build a house for him and his possessions far away from society. Hmmm. Dandy seriously somehow has to be related to this guy. The construction of the house is plagued with accidents and injuries though, especially the creation of the underground hideaways and corridors. Edward is concerned about the value of his artwork and wants to ensure he can whisk the pieces away unnoticed if need be.

Edward has many loyal servants but none so loyal as Guinness (great name), a handsome young man who Edward has also taken as a lover. Edward knows his other servants disapprove of their relationship. "They judge us," he tells Guinness. "The art never judges. I envy it. Frozen in two dimensions. I love them, you know...the paintings. Even more than I love you." Ouch. The next time we see Edward he is awoken by the sound of things breaking throughout his house. Yup, someone has destroyed his artwork. He screams at his servants and demands they either confess or rat out the guilty party. They instead talk about people they've been seeing in the woods and Edward flips out. At gunpoint, he orders them down in the cellar that Elias would later call home. "You will stay there until the murderer confesses his crimes." Wow. Murderer? He's a bucket full of crazy. Guinness is starting to think so too. He questions Edward and Edward threatens to throw him down there as well. 

This night would be Edward's last. The blood moon is out and The Butcher has come a knockin. Her people pull Edward outside as he yells "This is my land!" Of course The Butcher corrects him...just before one of her followers puts a wooden stake through him and ushers him into a burning fire. Guinness somehow flees and lives to tell the tale...except for the part about the servants in the cellar. He forgot about that and they all died down there. No fire or Mott body was found though, so Guinness went to jail as Edward's accused killer. Back in the interview world, the historian explains that the house stayed in the Mott family for years but the family had a history of madness...with the last Mott dying in 1952 in Florida in the midst of a scandal. YES! Dandy! And suddenly seasons 4 and 6 are connected!

You Look So Dumb Right Now

The hour now shifts back to the Millers. Shelby, Matt and Flora are back where we left them - in the upstairs bedroom looking down at The Butcher and her followers outside near the fire. Matt calls 911, because that's been so helpful so far this season, and instead of staying on the phone til the police get there, he hangs up instead and goes back to the window. I don't understand how these people survived to do a documentary. Anyway, The Butcher calls out to them, saying if they surrender that she will grant a merciful death. 

Matt comes up with a plan for him to go outside and distract the angry mob while Shelby runs to the truck with Flora. You clever guy. I'm sure no one has ever tried that on The Butcher before. Yup, the angry mob was ready for this and had already set fire to the vehicles outside. Duh Matt. The trio then heads to the basement where they meet Edward Mott. He introduces himself as the original owner and tells them he can get them out safely through his artwork escape route. They walk for quite some time and eventually find an exit to the woods where Edward leaves them. 

Shelby, Matt and Flora go on a journey through the dark woods trying to find a road. The journey is short lived...the hillbillies have found them. Frances Conroy returns as Mama Polk and her boys are with her at the not so abandoned farmhouse nearby, apparently taking a break from jerking off while someone screws Lady Gaga. The boys have been busy though - they've been literally picking apart Elias (who is still alive) so Mama can make dinner. The poor guy is laying on a table begging for death when Mama walks in to inform her sons that Elias is bad meat. Guess dinner didn't turn out so great. One of her boys takes a hammer repeatedly to Elias' head and whoa is it graphic. 

Matt leans against the wall, defeated, and offers to sign the dead to their house over to the Polk family right away. "We don't want to live there. We want to keep it empty for The Butcher. My kin made a deal with her 200 years ago...so long as she can consecrate the land with fresh blood every year, she'll leave us alone." Um, let's pause for a moment. The Butcher has been sacrificing people for 200 years and Elias only has a handful of newspaper clippings to show for it? Something is wrong with this picture. 

At this point Shelby pleads for their lives, swearing that they will just go back to California and tell no one about what they've seen and learned on the land. Shelby, you're stupid. Mama JUST said she has a deal with The Butcher. The Polk family loads Matt, Shelby, and an impressively subdued Flora into their truck to take back to the angry mob. They hit a bump and Matt grabs the shotgun from one of the brothers and inadvertently blows off the head of the other brother. I wonder if he is also bad meat or if Mama can manage to make a stew of him. You'd think at this point the Millers and their niece would escape but for whatever reason they decide to hide fairly close to the truck rather than run. Mama and her remaining son find them quickly and Mama hacks Shelby's foot nearly off with a shovel to thwart any future escape plans. They all end up back in the truck and back to The Butcher. 

Curtains Finally Closing

If you're like me and thinking "what the hell happened to Lee after the cops took her away?" then wonder no more. Finally as we reach the 40 minute mark of this episode, Angela Bassett shows her pretty face while being interrogated at the police station.  After telling the cops for the umpteenth time that there's no chance she could have killed Mason, built the big wooden doll thing, strapped him to it, hoisted it up, then set him on fire all by herself in the amount of time they are claiming she was away from the house, the cops release her as they have reached 48 hours and do not have enough evidence to charge her. 

Lee gets outside and checks her phone. Oddly, it's at 85% even though she's been there 48 hours. I need that phone in my life. She sees a bunch of text messages from Matt saying that Flora is safe and she is so relieved....for a second. Matt doesn't answer her calls and she knows something is wrong. A police officer gives Lee a ride to the house where shit is clearly starting to go down. He then drops her off and drives the hell out of there. He knows the deal. 

We see Matt, Shelby and Flora near the fire. The Butcher announces that Flora will die first...and Ambrose bashes his mother on the head. "I shall not stand by and watch thou shed another drop of innocent blood!" He then grabs her and jumps into the flames holding her tight. Huh? Edward pops up and unties Matt and Shelby, telling them to escape. The piggy man, however, picks up The Butcher's cleaver from the ground and heads toward Flora. Lee plows into him in one of the cars that was on fire earlier (you read that right) and they drive away as The Butcher is climbing out of the fire to run after them. She's one resilient bitch.

Cutting back to the interview world, Matt tells us "it was a miracle." No shit. He explains that the four of them had just enough money to stay at a hotel and get take out (I guess no one was interested in going back for Elias jerky) and they waited there for Shelby's sister to wire them money so they could fly back to California. Do people still wire money? Couldn't Shelby's sister just book them a flight online herself? Also, was Shelby's foot a quick fix? We see a re-enactment of her hobbling into the hotel room on crutches that same night. No surgery needed or anything? No need to keep any of these people overnight after what they had been through? What did they tell the emergency room folks when they arrived in a crispy car with Shelby's bone protruding? 

The episode ends with the four of them eating pizza in the hotel room and fighting over who showers first ...and this all just seems too easy. We've watched five hours of horror and gore on this land and at the last second, Ambrose decides that after 200 years of human sacrifices that he's done? And where was Gaga in all this? Pretty sure she was hoping to spend a lot more time boning Matt so I can't imagine she would not have interfered with his escape. Something doesn't seem right. 

The previews for the next episode show what looks like a documentary within the documentary. Are the fictional show runners calling bullshit on the Millers' story? Did they dig up more dirt...maybe literally...on Lee's past, the Polk family, or Elias Cunningham? Will the documentary interview and re-enactment segment be followed by the crew visiting the haunted location? I believe we will get the answers to some of these questions when Chapter 6 shifts gears for us next week, and I am of course chomping at the bit to know what this year's Halloween episode has in store for us. 

AHS Roanoke: Chapter 4

Oh man. This episode is wince worthy for so many reasons. Shit hits the fan in Chapter 4 and we learn the harsh lesson that what Ryan Murphy giveth, Ryan Murphy can just as quickly taketh away. In this hour the Millers end up with no other option than to embrace the truth behind their land and the spirits that surround it, and they must put a plan into place to save their own butts as well as Flora's...but is it too late? Here's where we are at the end of episode 4 of Roanoke. 

Gone, Gone, Gone. 

We pick up with Shelby screaming at Matt for screwing Lady Gaga in the wilderness. Naturally Matt has no idea what the hell she is talking about.  Shelby also has trust issues now that Matt and Lee offered to make a deal with The Butcher without telling her. Matt defends his choice to try to bargain for Flora's release but then when Shelby goes batshit crazy on him again about manhandling Mother Monster, he loses it. He cries, she cries, and all is forgiven way quicker than I thought was necessary. 

Shelby inexplicably goes upstairs by herself to take a shower and she is met by the dude with the pig head wielding a knife. She screams for Matt and Matt runs upstairs...only to realize he should be running like hell downstairs. He grabs Shelby and they make way for the front door, but dude with the pig head is there to greet them. Dr. Elias Cunningham(!) jumps in from behind and bashes the pig guy on the head and yells "Croatoan!" Piggy disappears. 

So Elias survived the Blair Witch Project type video diary he was keeping a decade before. He explains to the Millers that "Croatoan" was a message left behind in Roanoke so people would be able to find the colonists who relocated. He says "Croatoan" is a word of dark magic. Elias also informs our still rather naive couple that he bought the house to write a book but then kept the house so no one else would live there. He happened to come up short when property taxes were due and the house went up to auction. Elias begins to tell more of his story and how he can help, but then Matt turns into a jackass and orders him out of the house. What is WRONG with these people? After Elias starts yelling about the things he knows, which are also things that Shelby has seen, Matt stops being a jackass and they listen. 

Elias only actually lived in the house for 6 months because he had learned that everyone who lived there previously had either died or gone missing. In 1952 three hunters were staying in the house and blew each others faces off with their rifles. In the 1970s a family from Taiwan owned the house and realized fairly quickly there was evil there. They performed some rituals and prayed to their ancestors, but those prayers were no match for The Butcher. The family was eventually reported missing. Others followed, dating all the way back to the 1700s when Edward Mott (the original builder/owner) was the first to disappear.  Elias then tells Shelby and Matt about the crazy nurse sisters and how The Butcher used their sinful blood to sanctify the land. Cut to one of the sisters having her limbs torn off while the other one gets cleaved to death. Neat. 

Your Hope Dangling By A String

How do The Butcher and her followers actually kill the living? Well, they can apparently haunt the place at any time they wish, but during the 6 day lunar cycle in October which ends in what they call "the blood moon," it's a killing free for all. Oh and hey, guess what? Tonight is night 1 of 6. Now if I was on the listening end of Elias' tale, my ass would be in the car on my way to anywhere else. The Millers? They are suspicious, Maybe Elias just wants the house back. I just had to fight back an overwhelming urge to slam my head against my keyboard as I typed that. Matt says they can't leave until they get Flora back and Shelby tells Elias she is with Priscilla. Elias knows just where to go. 

Elias takes the Millers through the woods (at least it's daylight) to an area where...Flora is blindfolded and playing some sort of twisted Marco Polo game with Priscilla, the nurses, the pig man, and the Taiwanese family. The hunters also walk by at one point. Matt starts screaming and running toward Flora because he's an idiot, but Elias stops him and says the best way to get Flora back is to allow him to talk to Priscilla. Elias approaches the young girl and asks her to release Flora to her family but the conversation is interrupted by a horn...and then many, many arrows flying into Elias' body. The Butcher's followers had arrived and snatched Flora away. 

Making probably their first good choice in a very long time, (perhaps ever) Shelby and Matt decide not to try to save the skewered Dr. and run back to the house. I have to say I am proud of them for realizing they were severely outnumbered by ghosts with weapons and that Elias was most likely being prepped for bbq. They make their way home and run into a familiar face. Tangina Cricket is waiting on the doorstep. Woohoo! Love this guy.

I'll Share In Your Suffering 

Tangina Cricket sits Shelby and Matt down and tells them he feels that Flora is still alive. He also tells them that they are effing stupid for making a liar out of him when he was striking a deal with The Butcher. Shelby asks him to talk to The Butcher and tell her they will do anything she wants, but Tangina Cricket already tried that. "Momma was in no mood." The Butcher told him her power now is from the moon. The little guy ventures out again though and meets Gaga instead, whom he calls "the bitch with the real power." He offers her the only thing he knows she wants...Matt. Even wood witches need to be pleasured now and again. 

Living to tell the tale, Tangina Cricket returns to the house to recap everything for Shelby and Matt. He says the witch touched him and she lifted the veil. She had hurled him centuries into the past where the former Roanoke residents were relocating to what is now the Miller's land. We see that the land is perfect for growing crops and the colonists believe they had hit the jackpot. There is a price for this newfound opportunity though....The Butcher sacrifices Priscilla by beating her over the head with a rock. Holy shit. Not everyone is on board with the idea of human sacrifice though. Ambrose talks shit about the witch of the woods and tells his mother in front of the entire congregation that she brought evil into their lives. He wants to turn back to God and so do the rest of them. The bitch with the real power tells The Butcher her people are children that need to be disciplined, so The Butcher sets up this amazing feast with the colonists and tells them she wants to repent. She passes around a basket of apples (often thought to be the 'forbidden fruit') for everyone to enjoy, and as they begin choking and vomiting, she takes her cleaver to all of them. "If thou wishes not to follow me in this life, thou will follow me in the next! I will soak this earth with our blood, let it mingle with the soil and tether us to these grounds forever!" With all of her not-so-followers dead, The Butcher approaches the witch of the woods as a final sacrifice. Gaga slits her through and she bleeds out with the rest of them. This bloodbath occurred during the current lunar cycle. 

   

Tangina Cricket ends the story and assures Shelby and Matt that he now knows the spell to rid The Butcher and her spirits. He plans to put an end to everything tonight but he needs to go back to his hotel to pick up some things. The little guy calls an uber (of course he does - they must be everywhere in the woods near farms) and he is off on his way. In the midst of asking his uber driver if he is "gay for pay," Flora runs past the car and Tangina Cricket goes after her.  

When Enemies Are At Your Door

Hours have gone by and The Millers are worried that Tangina Cricket has not returned. Night falls and they both have begun to snooze. Matt hears a noise outside and goes off to investigate, ending up in the cellar in the woods with a scantily clad Lady Gaga. They begin to...get intimate...and through that connection Matt learns her history. She was a descendant of the druids and Roman conquerors and had left England as a stowaway. She was discovered on board the ship and was set to be burned at the stake as a witch - she was blamed for the misfortune and death that had occurred on the ship throughout its journey to the new world. "But there were other gods demanding blood. More ancient and thirsty gods." We see her massacre a group of soldiers and escape into the woods as a being who merged the old world with the new. She wants Matt to join her and he's tempted until he hears Shelby's voice screaming for him. She woke up to an angry mob marching toward the house and she's scared as hell. In my best Whoopi Goldberg voice: "Shelby, you in danger girl." 

Matt puts his clothes back on and races back to the house. The Butcher is there with her people and Flora. She is just about to slit Flora's throat when Priscilla pushes The Butcher over. Flora runs into Matt's arms and the Millers take her inside, lock the doors, and go upstairs...because this is a solid plan for safety. Flora isn't the only hostage though... Tangina Cricket now stands among the torches. The Butcher slices his abdomen and Ambrose takes a hook and pulls out his insides for all to see. Now I know what disembowelment is supposed to look like. The Butcher looks up and Matt and Shelby in their window as we hear Matt narrate "the message was clear - we were next."

The episode ends there and thank goodness for that. My stomach wasn't going to be able to handle much more. So in this hour we find out Elias is alive! Except now he is not. We also find out Cricket is back! Except now he's dead too. What's next, Ryan Murphy? Are you going to bring Twisty the Clown back only to take him away a few episodes later? Yes, I'm still bitter about Freak Show. 

Can't blame a guy for trying. 

We also now know why The Butcher and her followers are bound to that land and we know why they've just been haunting the Millers this whole time and not killing them. We also know more about the witch in the woods, though I am still kind of foggy on what her deal is. Did she actually give Cricket a spell to rid The Butcher or was that a fake out for a make out with Matt? If there's no Butcher...who would do the human sacrifices the witch needs? Where's Lee? Why didn't Shelby call the police and say she had made a terrible mistake? And whhhhhyyyyyyy would I even think to believe that uber has extended its services to a road surrounded by thousands of acres of woods and minimal houses? Who are the normal customers? You can't tell me the hillbillies use that app and I doubt the unbathed boys who were eating livestock in the barn have smartphones. Just sayin. 

AHS Roanoke: Chapter 3

When we last left the folks from the worst real estate investment ever, the Millers were on a search to find Flora who was inexplicably left alone once again in another part of the haunted house. Though her yellow hoodie was found in a tree nearby, Flora was just plain gone. Tonight we pick up right where we left off and also learn a bit more history from back in the colonial days. Here's where we are after Chapter 3. 

In The Depths Of Your Despair

The local police have organized a search party for Flora but with the forest stretching over a thousand acres, the odds of finding the kid quickly are not great. Lee tells us in her interview that she was not appreciative of the cops - that she believed they might have been in cahoots with the hillbillies who took Flora. AGH! We're still on the "rednecks are trying to scare us out of the house" thing?!?!? Facepalm.

The forest is sectioned off in a grid and Lee, Shelby, Matt and the volunteers and police all split up to cover a section alone. After hours of looking, Lee comes across Flora's doll...or at least the body of it...with a pig head and pig legs sprawled on the ground. Ew. Matt and Shelby join Lee as she continues to walk. About 100 yards from the doll they arrive at an abandoned (?) farm with the remnants of the dead pig as well as the doll's head outside. They follow more pig body parts to the barn where two boys who look like they've been living inside a chimney are feeding from a dead animal. Step in time! 

The dirty kids are from the Polk family and the general consensus is the rest of the family abandoned the boys and made off with Flora. So the Polks must have been part of the hillbilly conspiracy that's making my brain hurt. A social worker tries to talk to the boys but the only word they will say is "Croatoan." Cut to Matt in his interview saying "none of us knew what it meant." HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? How does one grow up near Roanoke and NOT know that word was the only message left behind when the lost colony became the lost colony?!?

I'm Gonna Make Your Head Burn

Back to the search, Flora has now been missing for over 72 hours and Lee knows from her time as a police officer that at this point, they might as well be searching for a body. Mason joins the Miller trio at the house and accuses Lee of hiding Flora because she knew Mason was going to get her visitation rights revoked. He says he is going to tell the police and storms off. 

Shelby, Matt and Lee go to bed but do not get much sleep. Matt's cell phone rings and he's told a body was found in the woods. They make their way to the crime scene, but it's not Flora's body they see...it's Mason's. Holy shit. Mason's body has been tied to one of those huge wooden stick dolls and burned to a crisp. The only way Lee is able to identify him is through the ring on his hand that managed to survive the flames. 

In the morning Matt and Shelby look over the video from the cameras Matt had installed around and in the house. The footage shows Lee leaving the house the night before and returning four hours later. She looks guilty as hell and Shelby thinks Lee killed Mason to keep him from going to the police. Oh yeah? The hillbillies didn't kill Mason? Well it's nice they've been kept out of this one. Lee overhears the conversation and enters the room with that "awww hellll naw" look on her face. She and and Shelby exchange words and Matt interrupts, suggesting they get out of the house and go stay at a hotel...as he says this we see a smallish man come through the front door in the background...

I Can See You Crystal Clear

Enter Tangina Barrons Cricket Marlow who claims he has been called by a spirit to help find Flora. He knows "the comings and goings of the other side" and apparently has a history of working with the FBI in abduction cases. The Miller trio is wary of this little guy until he makes his way to the top floor and walks right to the storage area Flora had been negotiating her doll trade in. Tangina Cricket opens the door and finds a bonnet. He picks it up and says "Flora is not dead and she wasn't taken by the living. Your daughter is with Priscilla." My smile is immediately erased when Lee says "That's not possible. Priscilla isn't real!" Lee...you're @!#%ing killing me. 

Anywho, the Millers are willing to give the psychic thing a shot and they try a seance to contact Priscilla, who Tangina Cricket explains is a child that was fond of corn husks and dolls. She died in the late 1500s. The group lights candles and a spirit does enter the room. Tangina Cricket is concerned and tells Lee, Shelby, and Matt to join hands as The Butcher reveals herself to the short psychic. The candle on the table splits down the middle...of course it does. She has a cleaver! She tells Tangina Cricket "I protect this place. This place is mine! Ours! I shall stop at nothing to help save this colony." The Butcher claims Priscilla has taken Flora beyond The Butcher's land. "I shall not step one foot off my land. Never again. I must protect it from trespassers." Tangina Cricket tells her this land does not belong to the dead. He calls HER the trespasser and the windows in the room break. Neat! He yells "Croatoan!" a couple of times and the seance is over. 

"This house is not clean."

Shelby remembers this word from the chimney boys and she wants answers. Tangina Cricket says he can take them to Flora for $25,000.00 and Matt calls him a con artist. Does Tangina Cricket not understand that they barely paid the $40k for the house? Geez. And because all of the Millers are stupid now, Matt assumes the whole thing was a hoax and Tangina Cricket had a group of people outside shooting his windows out with BB guns. Maybe the rednecks? The little guy defends himself though, saying his gift is real and even the FBI pays when they need his help. Matt tells Tangina Cricket to get the hell out of his house and he complies...while saying "I'll be back. You will invite me." Just before he walks out the door Tangina Cricket whispers something to Lee. In the interview world, Lee is hesitant to address it. The interviewer asks "Did Cricket Marlow say something about your first daughter? About Emily?" Whoa! Lee had another kid? We then hear Cricket say "Emily says hello. She wonders why you quit looking for her all those years ago."

In the interview world, Lee glares at the interviewer and tells him to turn off the cameras. They keep rolling and she demands to know how he learned about Emily. He says they ran background checks on the people participating in the video. "Death certificates are public record." Lee is very emotional. After a bit of a break the cameras turn back on Lee tells us she was 17 when she had Emily. Her little one was almost 4 the day Lee lost her. Lee was running errands and ran into the grocery store to grab a couple of things...she left Emily in the car. When she went back Emily was gone and she never saw her again. 

Don't Underestimate The Things That I Will Do

Lee somehow comes up with $25k and pays Tangina Cricket to help find Flora. He tells her the only way to get the child back is to find out all they can about the enemy...The Butcher. We flash back now to colonial times when The Butcher's name was Thomasin White and Kathy Bates was not yet wielding a cleaver. Her husband, John, was the governor of Roanoke Colony and had been called back to England to get more supplies. He left his wife in charge and she has the awful task of managing a colony of 116 settlers that are starving. Her son, Ambrose (played by Wes Bentley) suggests they move the community elsewhere but she'll hear none of it. 

Back in interview land, Lee tells us "everyone who grew up where we did knows the story of Roanoke. It's a ghost story." Wait, you knew about it? Then why don't you know about Croatoan?!?!? Sigh. Lee goes on to say that there's a Lost Colony monument an hour away from where Matt and Shelby bought their house, so Roanoke has nothing to do with them or Flora's disappearance. 

Flashing back again we see Thomasin ambushed and voted out of power...so much so that she is banished from the colony wearing an iron mask. Even Ambrose doesn't save her. After a few days Thomasin is dying in the woods of hunger and thirst. She sits by a tree, defeated and sad. She's startled by that awful pig squealing sound and she falls to her knees and prays...until some sort of evil witchy being arrives with a still beating pig's heart. Hey! That's Lady Gaga! She was the one walking around with that bloody scalp in first chapter! Hooray! Anyway, Thomasin eats the heart which apparently gives her strength and motivation to go back to her colony and take a meat cleaver to some heads. She barely spares Ambrose, but those other dudes who staged the coup are no more. Ambrose now says he agrees that the colony should stay put...but The Butcher now declares they should move inland...where the Millers unfortunately purchased that damn house. This is how the lost colony became lost.

Tangina Cricket accompanies Lee back to the house and together they enter the woods with Shelby and Matt to attempts to negotiate with The Butcher. She stands flanked by her loyal followers and she wants their asses gone.  Tangina Cricket makes her a deal - the Millers will burn the house down and leave forever if The Butcher compels Priscilla to give Flora back to them. This is news to Shelby but Matt had already agreed to it. Wait...where is Matt? He was there a minute ago. Shelby (who is totes getting on my nerves this episode) wanders away from the negotiations to find him. Matt is busy. He's in the middle of banging Lady Gaga from behind as the hillbillies look on and pleasure themselves. There are so many things wrong with this scene. So. Many. Things.

Lee leaves the negotiations as well now that both her brother and sister-in-law have wandered off. She finds them at the house...but they are not alone. Shelby is all pissy with Matt because of his Gaga pounding escapades (which he has no memory of) as if he called up the hillbillies and said "Hey, while I'm in the woods later bring a creepy women out there so I can have sex with her not too far from my wife and sister. Oh, and feel free to jerk off while all of this is happening." Shelby, you're stupid. This bitch also went and called the cops, leading them to believe Lee is behind Mason's death. They take Lee away in a cop car and the episode ends there.

Okay, so I'm having a hard time buying Sarah Paulson as Lily Rabe. Lily Rabe's Shelby interviews are naive for sure but I've never thought "you stupid bitch" when she's done talking. Sarah Paulson's Shelby causes me to say just that. The Lee and Matt interview/re-enactment characters match up pretty well for me, but the Shelby thing is annoying. So is Lee screwed now that Shelby called the police? Is the burning down the house deal off? Was Lady Gaga's witch character born that way? What's her story? Annnnnd is Cricket one of Sia's backup dancers? I know it's a long shot, but my life would be complete if he would do a quick prance to "Chandelier" in Chapter 4. Just sayin'.