TWD Season 9 Episode 1: A New Beginning

Annnnnd we're back! The Walking Dead returns tonight with a time jump of at least a year and a half. The good news for Lauren Cohen is we never actually saw Maggie pregnant, so that was one less wardrobe thing for her to worry about in her character's journey. The bad news for us is Lauren Cohen is leaving the show this season, though it seems that it will be more of a hiatus than a RIP scenario. On the flip side, Andrew Lincoln is peacing out as well and all reports point to Rick Grimes' demise. I'm not going to go on another rampage on how dumb it was for TWD show runners to kill of Carl, so let's just see where we are after "A New Beginning."

People Of The World Today

The hour(ish) opens with our heroes working together to raid a museum in D.C. for items that might be helpful in their new normal. Seems the group has been working hard on mastering the material in "The Key" book that Georgie had bestowed upon Maggie, and they have adapted to operating like people did in older days. Farming is huge, windmills are succeeding, and the Grimes gang relies more on traveling by horse now, which makes sense given the gas supply wasn't going to last forever. In this trip Rick, Michonne, Daryl, Carol, Ezekiel, Alden, Jesus, Tara, Maggie, Enid, Siddiq, Jadis/Anne, Cyndie, Aaron, Smokin' Hot Rosita, Man Bun Jesus, a half blind Gabriel sans facial hair, and others are on a mission to secure a covered wagon, plow, canoe, and other dated supplies that may come in handy. Things get a bit dicey when the group tries to pull the wagon over the glass floor and we alllllmost lose Ezekiel to the Walkers below. The King and others walking on the glass are attached to a rope though and our heroes pull him to safety. Carol rushes to Ezekiel and gives him a big kiss because apparently they are a thing now. Damn it. I'm never going to get my Daryl/Carol happily ever after, am I? 

Anyway, the group begins the journey home...wherever home is these days given the last time we saw these guys they were split in different locations, and a very large herd of Walkers thwarts their progress. They make off with the wagon and canoe, but lose the plow and Ken (no idea who that is) in the process. Bummer. The trek is not without some smiles though. After Ezekiel's brush with death, he proceeds to propose to Carol on the ride home. She turns him down, of course, because that's not how Carol rolls and this is apparently not the first time she has done so. He laughs it off, saying he'll just hold onto the ring until she's ready, and I'll admit that the exchange is cute...even though it would be cuter with Daryl. 

No Struggle, No Progress

Catching up with the various communities now, we realize Alexandria has been restored and is also approaching "Carl's dream Alexandria" status. Rick is running the show there, naturally, and Maggie is leading Hilltop via election, and Hilltop appears to be thriving the most out of all of the communities. Cyndie heads up Oceanside with help from Eugene and Smokin' Hot Rosita, Ezekiel still rules the resurrected Kingdom, and Daryl is the man in charge of The Sanctuary. Daryl is not a fan of being in charge of The Sanctuary...probably because most of the people there are still douchebags (Justin in particular). The former "we are all Negan" dwellers are also having a hell of a time with the whole farming/building/do-this-shit-yourself thing and constantly need food and supplies from neighboring communities. It's become tiresome. Daryl tells Rick that he wants out of The Sanctuary and would prefer to be with Maggie in Hilltop, and Rick seems a bit hurt that Daryl wouldn't want to be in Alexandria instead. Sensing Daryl's feelings, Carol offers to run The Sanctuary. Well, I think Carol is also trying to avoid seriousness with Ezekiel, but Daryl takes her up on the offer and gets the hell out of there. 

Rick, Daryl, Michonne and some others head to Hilltop where Rick appeals to Maggie for more stuff for the Saviors. Maggie is tired of being the constant giver and this request isn't well received. Rick doesn't really seem to pick up on the tension, asking her to visit Alexandria to see Judith when she can. Duh, Rick. You're keeping Negan alive in Alexandria. Why the hell would Maggie want to visit? Maggie agrees to give The Sanctuary food and supplies in exchange for the fuel the Saviors make from those supplies. She also acknowledges that one of the main bridges nearby is in need of serious repairs and says the Saviors need to provide the labor to fix it. Rick tells Maggie the Saviors are barely hanging on and they are obliged to help, but Maggie isn't having it (nor should she). "They surrendered. We didn't kill them. That's it."

Strength In Numbers

Turns out Ken is the son of the Hilltop blacksmith and his parents are livid when they find out what happened to him. Mom accuses Maggie of sacrificing her son to find supplies that only help the Saviors, and Maggie is quickly banned from Ken's funeral. She watches from the balcony of her big house with baby Hershel in tow. I love that she named her baby Hershel, but this is made all the more tear-jerking with Scott Wilson's death. Who knew the tribute would be such a tribute? Anyway, Dumb Ass Gregory uses this opportunity to rile up some Hilltop folks into thinking Maggie is an unfit leader. So much so that he stages an attack, tricking Maggie into thinking Glenn's grave has been vandalized so she is out there on her own in the dark (well, "on her own" but pushing Hershel in a stroller) when an attempt is made on her life by a hooded man. Turns out the hooded man is Ken's dad and Enid and Man Bun Jesus hear a commotion and come to Maggie's aid. She quickly realizes that Ken's dad did not come up with this plan on his own and she confronts Dumb Ass Gregory. Staying consistent in jackassery, Maggie's predecessor tries to stab her with a knife and fails miserably...like he has at most other things. 

What to do with Dumb Ass Gregory and his conspirators? Maggie gives Ken's parents a pass given their grief, but she sentences Dumb Ass Gregory to death because "the punishment must fit the crime," and I give a resounding "WOOHOO!" from my couch. Keeping with the "we do things old school now" theme, Dumb Ass Gregory finds himself sitting on a horse with a noose around his neck as he pleads for his life. Michonne sees children nearby and calls for Maggie to stop the execution so they don't see the aftermath, but Maggie signals to Daryl, then Daryl slaps the horse's behind, and Dumb Ass Gregory is no more. Good. Effing. Riddance. 

The episode ends there and it was nice to see how far these folks have come over time. It was also nice to see Dumb Ass Gregory get the noose. Seriously. HOW had that guy lasted so long? Maggie must have the patience of a saint. Not only has she tolerated the guy who has undermined her since Hilltop was introduced, she is now still biding her time with the Rick revenge she promised in the Season 8 finale. Will we see any payback before Rick's final farewell? Will Maggie cause Rick's death? Too soon to tell, but I will say that I am pleased with the time jump so far. We needed something different and here's hoping we're off to a good start. 

AHS Apocalypse: Could It Be...Satan?

Tonight's episode of American Horror Story: Apocalypse brings out Cordelia's Coven in full force and also takes us on a side journey to another AHS season that I was not expecting (color me pleasantly surprised though).  Still no significant time spent on Murder House, but at least we are seeing more and more familiar faces. Who pops up in this hour? Here's where we are after "Could It Be...Satan?"

You're Not The Way You Seemed

The episode opens with Langdon reminiscing about the good old days with whoever Matrix Miriam was based on. We flash back to what appears to be a teenage Langdon, dining with the "real" Miriam (or whatever her name actually was) and she is played by Kathy Bates...so who knows what the hell happened to Constance. Langdon says he's not sure how this woman found him, but he was grateful for his home with her. She fixed him good meals, for which they would say "grace" to the dark lord, and she was no stranger to bloodshed. She killed her first 3 husbands. "If something isn't working, it's best to just cut the cord and make sure the insurance policy is up to date." When Langdon jokingly comments on her evil behavior, she responds: "Hell yeah! I'm the devil momma." 

Langdon's trip down memory lane is interrupted when he senses strong powers in Outpost 3. In another part of the facility we circle back with Cordelia, Madison and Myrtle as well as the newly undead Mallory, Coco and Dinah. Cordelia notes that Coco and Mallory had been under an identity spell for their protection (didn't want to interfere with Coco's Instagram success?) but they are awakened now because the Coven needs all the help they can get in fighting evil. Dinah immediately bows out...and also doesn't seem phased that her son died choking on his own poisoned vomit in the next room. When Langdon and Matrix Miriam appear, Dinah is eager to tell him she is not taking sides in this fight and Coco is eager to say she does not want to die a second time. Lagndon indicates that he has already won the fight, as evidenced by the current state of the world, and I'm left wondering if he somehow orchestrated the missile attacks. I'm also left wondering how often Cordelia brings witches back from the dead these days. When Langdon was doing his weird blood pentagram ritual thingy last week and saying he had thought he got rid of the witches, did he not realize that people don't stay dead in Cordelia-land? 

You Cheated And You Schemed

We flash back again and visit Outpost 3 three years before the world was pretty much destroyed. The underground dwelling was indeed a boys' school called the Hawthorne School For Exceptional Young Men. Much like Miss Robichaux's Academy, this school was designed to teach magic to its promising inhabitants. Cheyenne Jackson, Billy Porter, and B.D. Wong are leading the charge for these warlocks, and their characters' names are John Henry Moore, Behold Chablis, and Baldwin Pennypacker, according to Wikipedia. Regardless of their character names, I'd sure as hell love to see them do a Broadway mashup of some kind throughout the halls of Hawthorne. Anyway, the trio is summoned to a meeting with their Grand Chancellor, Ariel, who has discovered a young man with incredible powers. We see a police interrogation video where a very emotional Michael Langdon uses his mind to break the limbs off of the cop and literally make his head explode. Ariel thinks this young man might be the "Alpha" they have been waiting for, meaning a male "Supreme" that could rival Cordelia. Totally. If I were part of a group of warlocks, practicing good magic, and looking for a powerful leader, I would definitely want the guy who can turn a human head into a pinata. Doesn't seem like anything bad could happen there. Sigh. John Henry Moore thinks the boy is simply possessed by a demon and doesn't want anyone to get their hopes up.

Ariel goes to the jail to meet with Langdon and we learn that Langdon was imprisoned for putting a bunch of knives into the local butcher. When said butcher was being a dick to non-robot Miriam, Langdon used his mind to throw 5 knives into dude's body, but he plays this off to Ariel as an accident. He pretends that he doesn't know his powers or how to control them even though we know he's evil as fuck. Ariel busts Langdon out of jail and invites him to Hawthorne, which is pretty much like inviting Tom Riddle to Hogwarts, and Langdon happily goes with. Non-robot Miriam is even waiting outside the jailhouse when Langdon drives away with Ariel, wishing her boy the best of luck from afar. "I'm a true believer, Michael. I'll be here for you. Always! Hail the new world!" 

When Ariel and Langdon arrive at the warlock school, Ariel explains that Hawthorne used to have a big, beautiful building before they had to literally go underground. Apparently when Cordelia started giving TV interviews and "outing" the magic folk, the locals burned the place down. Langdon receives a mostly warm welcome from the Hawthorne students and faculty (Mr. Moore is not thrilled), and Ariel immediately puts him to the test. Langdon passes the scrying challenge with flying colors, he masters transporting himself all over the room and ceiling in a flash, and finally, he makes it snow inside the library. He makes it snow so convincingly that he almost freezes Ariel and his trio of magic men to death. Some would view this as a red flag. I would view this as a red flag. Ariel views this as Langdon "spreading his wings." 

You're The Devil In Disguise

Ariel asks for a meeting with the Supreme, and Cordelia makes her way to Hawthorne with Myrtle and Zoe in tow. They leave behind their current group of students, one of which being pre-identity spell Mallory...who had recently turned a "change the color of the rose" exercise into a "turn the rose petals into beautiful butterflies" moment. Zoe notes that Mallory's genealogy may go all the way back to Salem, so I guess I understand why she would need to be protected. Anyway, Cordelia and her two sidekicks meet with Ariel and his trio of magic men to discuss the potential Alpha in their midst. Ariel wants Cordelia to give Langdon the test of the seven wonders and Cordelia says that is out of the question. She believes she would be condemning this young boy to his death by administering the test because there will never be a male Supreme. Cordelia laments losing Misty Day in the test of the seven wonders (I was pisssssssssed too when Misty did not return from her personal hell), and she does not want to put anyone else in that situation. Ariel calls her out on leaving Precious Queenie at the Hotel Cortez, and we now have a quick AHS: Hotel crossover too! If you recall, Precious Queenie was killed at the Hotel Cortez and much like the Murder House, if you die there, you're stuck there. Cordelia apparently did everything she could to try to bring Precious Queenie back from the dead, but she was no match for the evil of the hotel. "The light from which we draw our power was extinguished by Satan himself." Cordelia reiterates that she values all of the witches and warlocks at their schools and says there will be no test. 

Langdon overhears what is happening in the meeting and makes his way to the Hotel Cortez, easily retrieving Precious Queenie from her never ending card game with James March. They then swing by Madison Montgomery's own personal hell to rescue her as well, but I did rather like her as store clerk with a never ending line of people wanting to return merchandise. The fact that the shoppers kept mistaking her for Lindsey Lohan was icing on the cake. Langdon accomplishes all of this before Cordelia, Zoe, and Myrtle even leave Hawthorne, and he is walking up with Madison and Precious Queenie when the witches are exiting the school. The sight of Madison and Precious Queenie is enough to make Cordelia pass the fuck out. 

The episode ends there and I will say it's been fun to revisit the AHS: Coven characters. That was one of my favorite seasons. The James March cameo was a fun little treat as well, and I find it very interesting that there was a rival magic school for boys run by idiots during that time when Miss Robichaux's Academy was thriving. I'm trying to figure out at what point during these flashback sequences Cheyenne Jackson's character either 1) shaves his undesirable facial hair or 2) dies a horrible, awful, gratuitous death. At least one of those two things is coming, right? He seems to be the only Hawthorne guy with half a brain so he's got to go. And considering what Hawthorne becomes during the apocalypse, I assume these flashbacks will also include Langdon wiping out the exceptional young men at some point too? Were there really any other outposts governed by The Cooperative, or was Outpost 3 the sole experiment for Langdon on his search for evil people to assist him in his new world? And finally, do we think Zoe still has a toxic vagina? Before Cordelia brought her back from the dead right at the end of Season 3, dudes who had sex with Zoe (that were not undead dudes) would become dead dudes. I have to wonder if Cordelia's "back to life" powers got rid of Zoe's vaginal toxins...and maybe Coco's stupidity as well. The jury's still out on that one. 

AHS Apocalypse: Forbidden Fruit

Finally! Kinda. Tonight's episode of American Horror Story: Apocalypse took another strange turn as we peeled back more layers from the often annoying inhabitants of Outpost 3, learned a bit more about Matrix Miriam, and encountered a scorned significant other out for revenge. Oh...and then there's the 20 seconds of Coven/Murder House crossover. Are we getting somewhere that will satisfy those of us waiting for a Constance/Fiona/Tate/Misty/Vivien extravaganza? Here's where we are after "Forbidden Fruit." 

Have You Seen The Lady Fairer

We open the hour with Langdon continuing his interviews to determine who is worthy of going to the sanctuary, which is a place I am not convinced is even real at this point. He saves Timothy and Emily from execution even though Timothy shot Matrix Miriam's robot guts, and he informs Gallant that Evie "died peacefully in her sleep." Riiiiiiight. I realize for the first time that Andre is Dinah's son (has that been mentioned before?) and he's not a fan of his mom, and Dinah apparently has met Langdon before. Though we get no details of their past history, it does not seem like they were BFFs. 

Getting to the good stuff in the one-on-ones, Coco talks shit about Mallory because Mallory can't seem to wipe Coco's ass sufficiently, and Mallory...well Mallory has a dark side. In the midst of Mallory's interview, Langdon tells her he is looking for "the kinds of people who wouldn't just eat the fruit from the forbidden tree, but would cut the fucking tree down and burn it for firewood." He thinks Mallory is made for the new world he is talking about and Mallory confesses she feels that she has someone buried inside of her. She then panics and tries to leave the room but Langdon grabs her. Mallory unleashes some sort of unknown power and not only knocks Langdon over, she knocks a whole bunch of shit over in the room too.  He goes all Linda Blair on her and she makes the fireplace explode before running out of the room. We later see Langdon doing some sort of dark satanic pentagram blood spell something or other, calling out to his "father" for advice. Seems he believed he had gotten rid of a certain group of people, I assume the Coven, and now he has discovered a survivor.  Soooo...Langdon is indeed evil as fuck and Mallory is a witch. 

Her Face Is Like A Sail

We catch up now with Matrix Miriam who is coming to terms with the fact that she is a robot. She explains to Wilhemina that she has memories of growing up and we flash back to a young Miriam trick-or-treating as Rosie the robot from The Jetsons. Foreshadow much? She remembers receiving apples instead of candy at times and she hates apples. We then see a teenage Miriam on her first date, coincidentally on Halloween. The boy in question takes her to see Rosemary's Baby and tries to make a move on her, which she violently declines. Interesting choice of Rosemary's Baby here considering Langdon is pretty much the spawn of Satan. Jumping to another Halloween, Matrix Miriam gets her first kill as an agent of, I'm assuming, The Cooperative. Quite a fulfilling life for someone with robot guts and an unforgivable haircut. Matrix Miriam also shares that at one point in time she took care of a young boy with long blond hair. "I can feel the love I have for him. When I turn to look at his face in my memories, he's just a blur." Interesting. 

Wilhemina tries to comfort the lamenting robot by telling her the two of them are family now. She says they need to protect the outpost and maintains that she does not trust Langdon. Wilhemina confides that he has already told her she did not make the sanctuary cut, and Matrix Miriam is outraged. Her mechanical instincts are telling her they should just kill everyone. Even Langdon. The two agree they should take possession of his computer, figure out where the sanctuary is, and travel there together. So much for protecting the outpost. 

How do these two ladies plan to dispose of their bunker buddies? It just so happens another dark carriage arrives. There's no driver....kind of like there was no pilot on the plane that brought Coco and company to the outpost, but no one seems super concerned about this (how is no one super concerned about this?). The carriage delivers a whole bunch of delicious looking red apples and Wilhemina and Matrix Miriam hatch a Halloween plan. They will throw a masquerade ball in honor of the holiday and have everyone eat poison apples. The snakes are still in alive and in house, and the ladies extract venom and sabotage the fresh fruit. 

Like A Sunset Going Down

The annoying inhabitants of Outpost 3 are overjoyed at the Halloween ball announcement. They show up in dashing outfits, except for the grays who are just in gray, and the group finally looks like they are enjoying themselves. Coco dances with a masked man, who she assumes is Langdon, and they disappear to a bedroom. Everyone wants to bone Langdon apparently. To her surprise, it's BROCK! The boyfriend she ditched in Santa Monica! He snuck in during the apple delivery! He's been wandering the earth for the past 18 months looking for Coco and he's had some, um, radiation damage for sure. At first I think this will be a happy reunion...but then he puts a knife through her head and I realize dude had alternate plans. Question though - if Brock is there with all of his contamination, why haven't any of the machines or alerts gone off? 

While Langdon is not in attendance, the rest of the group is now having a blast while bobbing for apples. Wilhemina asks everyone to wait to eat their apples until the game is over and they all have one. The party-goers comply, all happily chowing down on the apples at the exact same time. What happens next is disgusting. Kind of like I mentioned Linda Blair before, these fools proceed to projectile vomit on each other. I begrudgingly watched this scene a few times to note who was in the room and while we only specifically see Timothy, Emily, Gallant, Dinah, Andre, and Mallory succumb to the poison, there were some of Matrix Miriam's henchmen and other members of Team Gray in the room holding apples at one point as well. After the foaming at the mouth and puking subsides, Wilhemina and a gun toting Matrix Miriam go in search of Coco and Langdon, not realizing Coco has already met her end and a tainted killer is inside the compound. 

Langdon is busy hanging out in his room doing work on the computer that doesn't seem to need a power source. He laughs when the ladies enter and threaten him. Wilhemina looks very smug when she signals "Ms. Mead" to fire her weapon. Nothing. She repeats, "Ms. Mead" with a bit more desperation but Matrix Miriam points the gun at her boss and shoots her instead. We then realize that Miriam is Langdon's robot. He had her designed in the image of someone from his childhood. Someone who took care of him. "I lost you and I couldn't bear it. I can't imagine a new world without you by my side - the only woman who ever really understood me." Constance? It has to be Constance, his grandmother, right? The apple plan was Langdon's as well and Miriam was programmed to relay the plan to Wilhemina. His entire visit was just to have the inhabitants of the outpost destroy one another. 

So Fair And Pale

The episode ends with a trio of women entering Outpost 3. The masquerade ball ballad playing in the background suddenly switches to The Rolling Stone's "She's a Rainbow" as Supreme Cordelia, Madison Montgomery, and Myrtle Snow spread out to find their "sisters." I feel like the last time I saw Myrtle she was being burned at the stake for a second time, but we know that death is seldom a permanent thing in the world of American Horror Story. These 3 witches find their 3 sisters and we see Coco, Mallory, and Dinah swiftly raised from the dead. Whoa! Coco is a witch? I had my hunch about Dinah after her interview with Langdon, but I didn't guess Coco's connection with the Coven. I assume payback with be a bitch for Brock when she tracks him down, but that doesn't happen tonight. The final exchange of the evening comes when Madison hovers over a very confused looking Mallory. She says to the former Team Gray member: "Surprise, bitch. I bet you thought you'd seen the last of me."

And there we have it. The majority of the characters we've been tolerating listening to for the past 2 weeks are dead, and for one brief shining moment, it looks as though the promised crossover is coming full steam ahead. Of course this turn leaves me with many questions. I had assumed Timothy and Emily's special genetic something that brought them to the outpost meant that they would end up repopulating the earth and stuff. I thought the whole Adam and Eve, forbidden fruit thing was a clear indication that the future lies with them, and yet they exchanged the same apple barf that everyone else did. Will they be resurrected as well or was their story-line pointless? Did Dinah's now departed son know she was a witch? Did he have powers too? Are we going to see him brought back as well? How do Madison and Mallory know one another? Was Mallory once Madison's assistant before moving on to help Coco's budding social media career? How did the Coven know these ladies were in Outpost 3? How many witches are still around if Langdon thinks he defeated all of them?

And speaking of the evil Willy Wonka, has Langdon been traveling from outpost to outpost encouraging the inhabitants to off one another? Does he have a Miriam type robot stationed at each one? Is he really looking for people to join him in his "new world" or is he just enjoying the chaos in between writing emails? And finally, was this really Halloween week or was Wilhemina bullshitting us on that one? Because if Halloween has come and gone....and no one else from Murder House showed up, I worry that we'll be waiting quite a while before we see the rest of the Langdon family or any of the Harmons.